> Det var bonden Jens der gerne ville skilles, men præsten ville gerne > mægle > så han bad Jens om at komme hen til ham og sagde følgende til ham > Jamen Jens du ved godt der er fejl på begge sider! > Ja sagde Jens, Hun har hverken patter eller røv! A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. But the leathersmith presented to him only a wallet. "All those foreskins and you make for me only a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase." En mand og en dame er i fuld gang med en fyrrig dans på dansegulvet, da han inspireret af en nuværende tv-rfeklame tager kvinden på de formfuldendte bryster og med et lille glimt i øjet siger: Boller fra Kobergh! Koket slår hun blikket ned - og tager ham i de ædlere dele og hvisker: Miniflütes fra Hatting. Ever worked a help line? Ever had to deal with people who sounded like they needed a help line with a therapist at the other end? You'll like this then. General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - - but imagine if they did . . . HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" HELP LINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!" HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!" --- The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! --- These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out? he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practising homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." --- A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling -Gama Su! Gama Su!-. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su!, Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" --- This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself" --- Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First >Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt and BROWN PANTS!" ----- An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!" --- A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother the bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass is killing me, and dad's runnin' around the house yellin' "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." --- As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path, rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver shouted at them, "You could have been killed!!" The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes!" --- A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day. One day, upon entering the house, he hears awful racket coming from behind his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter on her bed "intimately" involved with a large, studded vibrator. Before he can say a word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have, so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing the door behind him. A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school, enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???!!" The father says, "Oh, just sitting here, having a beer with my Son-in-law." --- In the days when Hillary Clinton was trying to reform the American health care system she decided she needed a tour of a D.C. Hospital. On the tour she came to a room on the male urology ward with the door closed. She opened the door and screamed. On the bed was a nurse giving the patient a hand job. Her doctor tour guide reassured her that everything was O.K. and that the patient had a disease of the testicles which required the collection of a sperm sample twice per day to ensure that the medication was working. Hillary was not pleased but continued on the tour until she came to a second door, also closed which she proceeded to open. What she saw reduced her to hysterics for inside was a nurse giving the patient a blow job. The doctor went over to the bed and read the patients chart. What an amazing coincidence," he said, "this man has the very same disease of the testicles except he has a better medical plan!" --- This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job. The owner tells him that he doesn't need any help. The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he'll give him a job. A few minutes later a customer comes in."Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?" The guy says,"I need some grass seed." So the owner goes and gets it.When he gets back he says, "How about a lawn mower to gowith this." "What do I need a lawnmower for?" "Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with.""Yea, OK, I'll take a lawnmower too." After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, "That's how it's done. Can you do that?" The kid said, "Sure."So the next customer comes in and says, "I need someTampax." The kid says, "Yes sir.", and goes after them.When he gets back he says, "Would you like a lawnmower to go with that?" The guy says, "What the hell do I need a lawnmower for?" The kid replies, "You might as well cut the grass. Your weekend is shot, that's for sure....." --- A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible! The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!" --- The Last 10 things any Woman would say 10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way too big. 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again. The Last 10 things any Man would say 10. I think The Village People are some cool motherfuckers. 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her breasts are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody. 4. Maybe I could do the dishes tonight. 3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions. --- Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: _ / \ | | O \ _ / and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......" --- Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm havin trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem stems from the fact that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There is really nothing I can do for you, unless you are willing to undergo an experimental treatment." Sadly, Jack asks, "What is the treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "We are currently working on a procedure in which we remove the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently and then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much. Let's go for it." A few weeks after the successful operation, Jack was given the green light to use his new and improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend, and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner Jack felt a stirring between his legs, which continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack unbuttoned his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was at first stunned, but then with a sly smile said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" Jack replied with eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass." --- Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." --- A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy,and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb" --- Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said,"Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." --- Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngestdaughter walks in. Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter lookspuzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.That's how you get a baby, honey. Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewelry, dear. --- The 23 best men jokes of the year!!! Q: How does a man take a bubble bath? A: He eats beans for dinner Q: How can you tell a man is sexually excited? A: He’s breathing Q: What is the difference between a man and ET? A: ET phones home Q: What is a man’s idea of foreplay? A: A half hour of begging Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: Bonds mature Q: What did God say after creating man? A: I can do better Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? A: Because they have no balls to scratch Q: What do beer bottles and men have in common? A: They are both empty from the neck and up Q: What do you call a man with half a brain? A: Gifted Q: How can you tell a man is happy? A: Who cares? Q: What does a man consider as a 7 course meal? A: A hot dog and a six pack Q: What do you have, when you have 2 balls in your hand? A: A man’s undivided attention Q: Why are men like laxatives? A: They irritate the shit out of you Q: Why did God create man? A: Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn Q: What are the 2 reasons men don’t min their own business? A: 1) No mind 2) No business Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette? A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside Q: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends Q: How is a man like a snowstorm? A: Because you don’t know if he is coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will stay Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties Q: How do you save a man from drowning? A: Take your foot of his head Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toiletpaper? A: We don’t know, it’s never been done Q: What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework? A: Lifting his legs so you can vacuum --- Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.' The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.' The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.' The fourth one said, 'I like to operate on lawyers; they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.' Fifth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...' --- Two rednecks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds and yee hawin' like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months!! "TWO MONTHS?!' cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one redneck. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!!" --- A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving". The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." --- If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? First, there were :) smiley emoticons. Then there were (_)(_)or (!) butt emoticons. Now, there are (.)(.) emoti-boobies! (.)(.) Boobies ( . )( . ) Bigger Boobies ( O )( O ) Pamela Anderson-Lee boobies (,)(,) Boobies with pierced nipples . . Very Little Boobies ( * )( * ) Implanted Boobies (very pert) ( ) ( ) Nursing Mom boobies (.) (.) (^)(^) Madonna Boobies -<.><.>- Teeny Bikini Boobies --(.)(.)-- Regular Bikini Boobies ---( . )-( . )--- Mondo Bikini Boobies x x No boobies (/)(/) Feminist Boobies ()() Wonderbra Boobies A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." > WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN > YOUR CAR: > > MS-DOS: > You would get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. > > Windows: > You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because > attached > to the back of your car is a freight train. > > Macintosh System 7: > You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives you to church > > UNIX: > You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 > miles > per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop. > > Windows NT: > You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to store". Then > you get out of the > car and mail the letter to your dashboard. > > OS/2: > After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and > drive > to the store with a > motercycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, > the > car > blows up, killing everbody in town. > > S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv]: You get in the car and drive to the store. > Halfway there you run > out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by > kids > on > mopeds. > A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six > double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a > day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day > the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the > bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've > just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" > On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six > double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your > family like women?" > "Yeah, my wife..." > Bear facts > > > > An 80 year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked > him > how he was feeling. > > "I've never been better!", he boasted, "I've got an eighteen year old > bride > who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" > > The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a > story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a > season. > But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed > his > umbrella instead of his gun." > > The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly > bear > appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at > the > bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?", the > doctor > queried. > > Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No!" > > The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" > > "That's impossible!", exclaimed the old man, "Someone else must have > shot > that bear." > > "That's kind of what I'm getting at ...", replied the doctor. > > > Little Johnny! > > The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out > about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When > the > time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was > calling > on them one at a time. > > She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he > sometimes could be a bit rude. But eventually his turn came... > > Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a > piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, > then sat back down. > > Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind > for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what > that was. "It's a period" reported Johnny. > > "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a > period." "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister > said > she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted and the man > next door shot himself." > > > > Subject: : Dr Ruth > Dear Dr Ruth, > > I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to > a sex > maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what > I am > doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, > etc. > > I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f > unothel > gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;' > > cinsely ous > mdyl > > > > Two Aggies were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into > the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and > the > flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines > left". > > Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has > failed > and > the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two > engines left". > > An hour later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and > the > flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one > engine > left". > > One Aggie looked at the other the other Aggies and said "If we lose > one > more engine, we'll be up here all day". > > > > > > > > >> A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when > an > >> exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so > triking > >> that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young > woman > >> noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward > him. > >> > >> Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the > young woman > >> said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you > want me > >> to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' > >> > >> Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. > >> > >> The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me > to do > >> in just three words.' > >> > >> The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his > wallet > >> from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he > pressed > >> into the young woman's hand. > >> > >> He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, > 'Paint my > >> house.' > >> > > > En blondine kommer ind til fris¢ren med en walkman på hovedet. " > Jeg > vil gerne klippes", siger hun, " men lige meget hvad du g¢r, så > klip > for Guds skyld ikke i ledningerne til h¢retelefonerne". Fris¢ren > ser > desorienteret på hende, men samtykker. Han har ingen umiddelbare > planer om, at klippe i hendes ledninger. > Alligevel sker der det uheldige, at fris¢ren ikke ser, at hun > drejer > hovedet midt under klipningen!! Han klipper ledningerne over med > et > snuptag og straks falder blondinen d¢d om! > > "Det var dog forfærdeligt", udbryder fris¢ren bestyrtet. Da han > efter > et par minutter har fået sundet sig lidt, overmanner > nysgerrigheden > ham, og han henter et nyt sæt h¢retelefoner og slutter dem til > walkmanen, tager dem på og h¢rer f¢lgende: > > Træk ind, pust ud, Træk ind, pust ud, Træk ind, pust ud........ > >>>-Hvorfor har afrikanske born store maver og tynde arme og ben? > >>>-De spiser for meget, og arbejder for lidt. > >>> > >>>-Hvad er en ægte vegetar? > >>>-En der kun slikker sin kone, hvis hun har svamp. > >>> > >>>-Hvad gor rigtige mend nar de har slikket glatbarberet fisse? > >>>-De legger bleen pa igen. > >>> > >>>-Hvad siger en blondine, nar hun har naet karrierens hojdepunkt? > >>>-Sonofon, godaften. > >>> > >>>-Hvorfor skabte gud alkohol? > >>>-Sa grimme kvinder ogsa kan fa sex en gang imellem. > >>> > >>>-Hvad er de verste tre ar i en blondines liv? > >>>-1. Klasse. > >>> > >>>-Hvordan kan man se om det er en blondine der har sendt en fax? > >>>-Der er frimerker pa. > >>> > >>>-Hvorfor smiler Stevie Wonder? > >>>-Han ved ikke at han er neger. > >>> > >>>-Hvordan finder man ud af om ens kone er dod? > >>>-Man knepper som sedvanligt, men opvasken bliver storre og storre. > >>> > >>>-Hvordan far man 200 somaliere ind i en telefonboks? > >>>-Man siger der er telefon til Muhammed. > >>> > >>>-Og sa var der blondinen, der havde en aftale med 2 fyre pa samme > aften. > >>>Hun fik dem begge presset ind. > >>> > >>>-Manden: Er jeg den forste mand, du har elsket med? > >>>-Blondinen: Ja selvfolgelig. Hvorfor sporger alle mend om det? > >>> > >>>-Hvordan ved man, at en blondine er liderlig? > >>>-Nar man stikker handen ned i hendes trusser, foles det som en > hest, der > >>>gumler havre. > >>> > >>>-Et andet ord for at trekke trusserne af en blondine. > >>>-Forspil. > >>> > >>>-Hvor mange indianere kan der vere inde i et hult tre? > >>>-En hel stamme. > >>> > >>>-Der star to negere ved en polsevogn. Sa siger den ene: "To > ristede". > >>>Og sa siger polsemanden: "Ja, det kan jeg godt se, men hvad skal i > >>>have???". > >>> > >>>-Hvad er ligheden mellem prinsesse Diana og Pink Floyd? > >>>-De har begge haft et hit med The Wall. > >>> > >>>-Hvordan laver man en trekant om til en streg? > >>>-Man barberer den. > >>> > >>>-Hvorfor er det en fordel at dyrke sex med en pedagog pa et > kokkenbord? > >>>-Sa kan hendes fjallrav vere i kokkenvasken. > > > > Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a > cork in his ass. > He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I > was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a > puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He > said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I > said, "No shit." > > > > Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that > it's > > his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He > drives to > > the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How > much > > is that Barbie in the window?" > > In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" and continues, > "We > > have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie does to the Ball for > > $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach > for > > $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie > for > > $265.00". > > "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only > > $19.95?" > > "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with > Ken's > > house, Ken's car, Ken's boat..." > > > > Kan du huske urene fra R.E.M. De blev tvunget til at trække en > reklamekampagne tilbage fordi den var slået op på en masse billeder > omkring > selvmord. > I den forbindelse kunne man da forestille sig andre kampagner: > *** > Foto: Plejebo-assistenten, der føres bort i sin røde frakke, af > politiet. > Overskift: Vi slår i det mindste ikke de ældre ihjel - med vilje. > Annoncør: ISS > *** > Foto: Michael Hutchence hænger i sit læderbælte på hotellet i Sydney. > Overskrift: Det nye INXS-album hænger ikke på træerne. > Annoncør: Fona 2000 > *** > Foto: Lille barn ligger med hovedet nedad i en swimmingpool. > Overskrift: i det mindste er bleen stadig tør. > Annoncør: Pampers > *** > Foto: En ung kvinde i en rullestol. > Overskrift: Det er ikke vores skyld. > Annoncør: Mercedes A > *** > Foto: En stor, sort mand, i et par kridhvide bukser. > Overskrift: Vi kan klare meget, men ikke det hele. > Annoncør: Omo vaskepulver > *** > Foto: 2 rabbinere slagter et lam. > Overskrift: Her er der brug for en hvid tornado. > Annoncør: Ajax > *** > Foto: Dyr ligger kvalt af røg på grusvej i østen > Overskrift: Få frisk luft på kontoret med ægte fyrnåleduft. > Annoncør: Ambi Pur > *** > Foto: 6 indvandrere banker en dansker med baseball-køller. > Overskrift: Vi har sportsartikler til alle formål. > Annoncør: Sportsmaster > *** > Foto: Sort sammenkrøllet Mercedes i tunnellen i Paris. > Overskrift: Chaffører søges. Erfaring ingen hindring. > Annoncør: Hovedstadens Taxaselskab > *** > Foto: Posedame, der sidder på varmeristen. > Overskrift: Vi holder byen ren for skrald og skadedyr. > Annoncør: R98 > *** > Foto: Mand, der banker sin kone gul og blå med en stegepande. > Overskrift: Ridsefri grydeserie, der ikke giver røg i køkkenet. > Annoncør: EvaTrio > *** > Foto: 14-Ârigt voldtægtsoffer med flået tøj i øde skov. > Overskrift: Meld dig ind i Teen-club og få 3% rabat på nye klude. > Annoncør: Vero Moda > *** > Foto: Død narkoman ligger på toilet på Aalborg Banegård, med kanylen > hængende ud af armen. > Overskrift: Der findes sprøjtemidler, der er værre end vores. > Annoncør: Cheminova > > > A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man > in > > a > > bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a > > mate > > who is loyal, rich and a good lover. > > > > After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a > > man > > in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. > > > > He says, "I'm here about your ad." > > > > Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're > loyal?" > > > > "Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost > my > > arms and legs," he replies. > > > > "Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. > > > > "I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You > > can > > look at my bank statement," he continues. > > > > Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I > know > > you're a good lover?" > > > > He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" > > > > A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind > the counter and shouts, > "open the safe!" > "But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies > "it's a *sperm* bank." > "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. > The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. > "Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says. > "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies. > "Just drink it or I'll shoot!" > The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. > "Now take another bottle and drink it." > "But sir, I just drank one!" > "Drink another one or I'll shoot you!" > The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. > When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman > is > surprised to see the robber is her husband. > "Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?" > > > > One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good > news and some bad news", God said. > Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." > Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is > called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new > things, > and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have > for > you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now > intelligent > life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you > now > have this organ to give her children." > Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given > to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" > God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is > that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these > > organs one at a time." > > > DARWIN AWARDS > > >The Darwin award is posthumously presented each year to an individual > who > >did the the gene pool service by removing him or herself from it. > These are > >the latest "nominees": > > > > * BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep > hole he > >had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said > Daniel > >Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had > been > >sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it > >collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on > the > >Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to > >Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It > took > >rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while > about > >200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. > > * In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, > >Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop > he was > >burgling. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed > in his > >mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull > as he > >hit the floor. > > * According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick > Berrena, > >20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, > 23, > >who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak > vest > >Berrena was wearing. > > * Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in > >Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not > put a > >revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the > trigger. > > > > > > * In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel > >Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus > earning > >a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their > snowmobiles. > > * In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who > >"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally > jogged off > >a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. > > * In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and > >drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an > >18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. > > * In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high > bluff > >near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that > marked > >the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990. DARWIN > AWARD > >WANNA-BE'S > > * In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a > >millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet > ricocheted > >off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, > >fracturing his skull. > > * In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to > clean > >out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a > propane > >torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of > his > >house. > > * Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, > N. J., > >in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a > quarter-stick of > >dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., > the > >bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to > see > >what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the > window was > >closed. > > > Det siges, at Al Gore kun er een orgasme fra præsidentposten! > > En lille historie om ærbarhed og dyd; > > In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main > rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. > One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have > dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed > how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered if there > was something indecent going on between the two... After the meal was > over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything > was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and > that was that. > About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, > "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been > able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he > took it, do you?" The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write > him a letter." > So he wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle > > and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact > remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." > The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: > > "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the > housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the > housekeeper. But I do know for certain that if you slept in your own > bed, you would have found the gravy ladle." > > > > Skatteministeriet > Beskatningsdepartementet > Afd. for nytænkning > > > Ny lovgivning > > Gældende for alle mandlige skatteydere > > > Vedr. Opkrævning af forfladen skat > > Der har i den seneste tid været stillet spørgsmål ved Departementets > evne til at udtænke nye skatter og afgifter, hvilket har resulteret i > netop denne lovgivningsændring. Efter grundige undersøgelser kon Vi > frem > til den konklusion at det eneste der endnu ikke er beskattet er > mandens > kønsorgan. For de usagkyndige er her tale om mandens penis. > > Alt til trods for, at den 40% af tiden er uden arbejde, 30% af tiden > hænger med hovedet, 20% af tiden står op og 10% af tiden har > måneskinarbejde. > > Den nye lovgivning om beskatning af mandens ædlere dele træder i kraft > pr. 1. januar 1998, hvorefter de enkelte individer vil blive beskattet > efter længde. Vedlagt er nedenstående skema med klasseinddeling. > > Når De har fundet netop Deres størrelse, bør beløbet indskrives på > selvangivelsen under teksten: Andre værdier > > Længde Art I alt > 18-22 cm Luksusskat 500,- > 15-18 cm Pæn størrelsesskat 250,- > 12-15 cm Normalskat 50,- > 8-12 cm Barmhjertighedsskat 5,- > > OBS! Alle personer der falder under de givne rammer har krav på > skattelettelse > OBS! Alle personer der går over de givne rammer rådes til at søge job > i > et cirkus > > > Med venlig hilsen > Unik System Design as > > > A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years > before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked > about > 10 feet behind their husbands. > She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked > several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for > an > explanation. > "This is marvellous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to > achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land > mines" > > > A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The > first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed > directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the > ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together > at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in > evident agony. > The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. > She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I > know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." > "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few > minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position > still clasping his hands together at his crotch. > But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently > took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, > and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then > asked him, "How does that feel?" > To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like > hell." > > > Ordsprog : > Selvom man er tyk, kan man jo godt have tynd mave ! > > > En sommer var der mesterskaber i surfing ude på Kattegat. En af > surferne forsvandt i bølgerne og folk kom ud og fik ham reddet ind > igen. Da de skulle give ham kunstigt åndedræt var der en der sagde: - > Han lugter af helvede til! > Så var der en anden, der sagde: - Det er også en forkert, I har fået > fat i. Ham her har skøjter på!!! > > A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are > playing > like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. > > The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he > says, > "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what > should I > do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied. "Just > like > you'd hold your wife's breast." > > The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball > 250 > yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the > good > news and now the wife can't wait for her lesson. > > The next day, the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing > and > says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can > I > do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your > husband's penis." > > The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing and > THUMP. > The ball goes straight down the fairway ........ about 15 feet. "That > was > great," the pro say, "nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your > mouth > and swing the club like you're supposed to!" > > > > "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Internet Explorer ." > "What sort of trouble?" > "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went > away.", > "Went away?" > "They disappeared." > "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" > "Nothing." > "Nothing?" > "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." > "Are you still in Internet Explorer, or did you get out?" > "How do I tell?" > "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" > "What's a sea-prompt?" > "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" > "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > "What's a monitor?" > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it > have a little light that tells you when it's on?" > "I don't know." > "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power > cord goes into it. Can you see that?" > ......"Yes, I think so." > "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into > the > wall." > ......"Yes, it is." > "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two > cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" > "No." > "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the > other > cable." > ......"Okay, here it is." > "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back > of your computer." > "I can't reach." > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" > "No." > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's > > > dark." > "Dark? > "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in > from > the window." > "Well, turn on the office light then." > "I can't." > "No? Why not?" > "Because there's a power outage." > "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. > Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your > computer > > came in?" > "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." > "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it > was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it > from." > "Really? Is it that bad?" > "Yes, I'm afraid it is." > "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" > "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." > > Microsoft-Lewinsky connection? > -------------------------------------------- > All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. > Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other > scandals he's been accused of participating in. > > Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the > "Bill-gates". > > No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused > of > using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head > of > Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind. > > ======================================================= > > Top Ten Names Clinton has for his penis... > ---------------------------------------------------------- > 10) The White House Staff > 9) His Tiny Advisor > 8) The Nuclear Button > 7) The Executive Branch > 6) The Little Pollster > 5) His Soft Contribution > 4) His Pocket Veto > 3) The Secret Servicer > 2) The Presidential Caucus > 1) Little Rock > Og så var der den om manden, som kaldte sin bil for 'Kussen'. > Den var grim, men meget god at køre frem og tilbage i...... > > > Hvad er ligheden mellem at få et blow-job af Pia Kjærsgaard og gå på > line mellem to bjergtoppe? > I begge tilfælde skal man undlade at kigge ned.... > > > > > THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. > > > > > > THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS > > > > > > USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. > > > > > > IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL > > > > > > HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS > > > > > > WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, > > > > > > FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN > > > > > > AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND > > > > > > ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND > > > > > > LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING > > > > > > SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN > > > > > > FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE > > > > > > SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER > > > > > > SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING > > > > > > SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING > > > > > > LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY > > > > > > HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, > > > > > > HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A > > > > > > DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. > > > > > > WHAT AM I??????? > > > > > > AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS > > > > > > NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.......... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > .....TOOTHBRUSH......... > > > > > > what were you thinking? > > Det var en amerikaner, en franskmand og en Belgier der sad og snakkede > om > hvor dumme kvinder var. > Nej hvor er kvinder dumme sagde amerikaneren - min kone har lige købt > en > flyvemaskine - og hun har ikke engang en flyvetilladelse. > Nej sagde franskmanden, kvinder er bare for meget - min har lige købt > en > super porche og hun har ikke engang kørekort. > Nej sagde belgieren, så er min kone alligevel værre - hun er lige > taget på > ferie med Club Med og hun har taget 2 æsker preservativer med - og hun > har > ikke engang en tissemand!! > > > A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The > first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed > directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the > ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together > at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in > evident agony. > The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. > She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I > know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." > "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few > minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position > still clasping his hands together at his crotch. > But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently > took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, > and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then > asked him, "How does that feel?" > To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like > hell." > > > > >IF GOD WERE A PROGRAMMER... > > > >Some important theological questions can best be answered by thinking > >of God as a computer programmer: > > > > Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? > > A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy > >bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend > had > >left > >him. > > > > Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? > > A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically > and > >he > >logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait > >until > >tomorrow. > > > > Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended? > > A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the > >maintenance phase. > > > > Q: Who is Satan? > > A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he > >actually possesses, so non programmers become scared of him. God > >thinks he's > >irritating but irrelevant. > > > > Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? > > A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. > > > > Q: How can I protect myself from evil? > > A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a > >common word, > >or a date like your birthday. > > > > Q: If I pray to God, will he listen? > > A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just > get > >off > >his back and let him program. > > > > Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? > > A: They are much more likely to receive email. > > > > Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? > > A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step > >through all > >those variables. > > > > Q: Does God know everything? > > A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what > goes > >on in > >the overnite job. > > > > Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang? > > A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but > >personally, > >God doubts that it will ever be implemented. > > > > Q: What is the role of sinners? > > A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess > up > >the > >system when God has made it idiot-proof. > > > > Q: Where will I go after I die? > > A: Onto a DAT tape. > > > > Q: Will I be reincarnated? > > A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And > searching > >those > >..tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God > > >will > >just say that the tape has been lost. > > > > Q: Am I unique and special in the universe? > > A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites > running > >exact > >duplicates of you in the present release version. > > > > Q: What is the purpose of the universe? > > A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but > then > >the > >users and managers demanded he tack all this > > senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and > >expensive > >than ever. > > > > Q: What is the one true religion? > > A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick > > >the one > >that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. > > > > Q: Is God angry that we crucified him? > > A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help > > >it, > >because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned > >out to be > >murder. > > > > Q: Some people say God is Love. > > A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of > > >a > >question. > > > > Hvad er definitionen af 'træls'? > > Det er når man sidder og malker sin ko og koen så begynder > at sparke med benet. Så rejser man sig op og binder benet > fast til en stolpe. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, > men så begynder koen at sparke med det andet ben. Så rejser > man sig op og binder det andet ben fast til en stolpe. Så > sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men så begynder koen > at vifte med halen. Så rejser man sig op og binder halen > fast på ryggen af koen. Så sætter man sig ned og malker > videre, men i det samme skal man tisse. Så rejser man sig op, > går om bag ved koen og begynder at hive bukserne ned. I det > samme kommer konen ind... > > DET ER TRÆLS!!! > > > To saedceller instrueres af deres mor: "Naar I snart i jeres liv skal > stifte familie, gör I fölgende: Svöm som bare fanden, saa jeres > kammerater sakker agterud, svöm omkring, til I stöder panden mod > aegget, > gennembryd cellevaeggen og nyd, at jeres formaal her i livet er > opfyldt." > Kort tid efter var tiden inde, alt rystede og hoppede omkring de to > smaa > fyre, og pludseligt blev de skyllet afsted sammen med alle deres > kammerater. Da farten blev taget lidt af, begyndte de to fyre at > svömme > det bedste, de havde laert. Det var mörkt, og konstant stödte de > hovederne > mod noget haardt, men det var ikke aegget. > Faret vild, forvirrede og halvt modlöse svömmer de rundt paa maa og > faa, > indtil de möder to andre fyre. > "Hej", raaber de glade, "vi er to smaa saedceller, der hedder Per og > Bjarne. Vi leder efter aegget. Kender i vejen?"."Naeaeaeh", svarer de > andre, > "Vi hedder Karius og Baktus, og vi arbejder > her bare....." > > > ----- > A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he > > notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says: > > > > SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. > > > > He thinks it was just a figment of his > > imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he > > sees another sign which says: > > > > SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES > > > > and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives > past > > a third sign saying: > > > > SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, > > > > his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. > > > > On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building > > with a small sign next to the door reading: > > > > SISTERS OF MERCY. > > > > He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered > by > > a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my > son?" > > > > He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was > > interested in possibly doing business." > > > > "Very well, my son. Please follow me." > > > > He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite > > disoriented. > > The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock > > on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by > another > > nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: > > "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door > at > > the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places > it in > > the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips > > through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks > behind > > him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small > > sign: > > GO IN PEACE,YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. > > > Emne: > > 3 drenge diskuterer hvis mor der har den største mund. >   > Den første fortæller "min mor kan have 5 golfbolde i munden på een > gang" >   > 2. dreng "min mor kan have 4 tennisbolde!" >   > Den sidste siger "det er da ikke noget særligt. En aften hørte jeg min > mor > sige til min far. Hvis du slukker lampen så tager jeg den i > munden.......!"  >   > ----- > > Ved I i øvrigt hvad man kalder Clinton's gylp? US Open.............. > > Dengang da vi blev skabt ville alle kropsdele være chef. > > Hjernen sagde: Da det er mig, der kontrollerer alle dele og tænker for > alle, > skal jeg være chef. > Benene sagde: Da det er os, der bærer mennesket derhen, hvor det vil > og > udfører det, hjernen giver besked om, vil vi være chefer. > Således fortsatte Hjernen, hænderne, hjertet og lungerne - alle med > påstand > om at blive chef. > Til slut sagde røvhullet, at man skulle vælge det som chef. Alle lo og > > syntes, at ideen var fuldstændig absurd - at få et røvhul til chef. > > Røvhullet blev meget fornærmet, snærede sig sammen og nægtede > overhovedet at fungere. > > Som følge heraf fik hjernen feber, Hjernen skelede, benene blev svage > og > hænderne hang slapt ned, ja, selv hjerte og lungerne havde svært ved > fortsat > at arbejde. Til sidst bad alle hjernen om, trods alt, at lade > røvhullet > blive chef. > > Sådan blev det...... Alle de andre udretter nu arbejdet, mens > røvhullet nu > bare sidder og laver en masse lort. > > > MORALE: > For at blive chef behøver man ikke at være et geni - blot et ganske > almindeligt RØVHUL. > > > .... were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a > love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. > > Every > night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold > Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It > wasn't > much, but it was all they had. > > > One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two > nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him > happily > wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said: "Where > were > > you these past couple of nights?" > He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman". > "Bastard?" > > she cried. "What were you doing?". > "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered. "Is > she > > prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. > "Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill > replied. > "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. > Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease". > > A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like > a telephone...on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender > walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he > doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. > I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was > tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The > guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The > bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's > incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!" > "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, > you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender > directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes > go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, > the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread- eagle > on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet > paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob > you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok... I'm > just waiting for a fax." > > Til den kære brojer! > jeg skrive til dig fra Dannamak. Jeg levet her i dens landshofedstalt > mange år. Det majet, majet fint. Det nu tre år siden jeg sidst > skrive til dig kære brojer. Det ikke være fint... Nu jeg har stor > familie her i Kovenhaun. Dansk pike. Hun majet go. Hun arbajde majet. > Jeg ikke Arbajde. Jeg give henne barn, jeg få penge af kommune. Det > være majet fint. > Efter alle dem barn, jeg blive majet, majet træt. Lige sige til mig : > Ali, > du træt, du ikke mere arbajde. Jeg standse arbajde. Nu jeg få et en ny > arbajd. Arbajde hedde socjalkontoren. Der ikke arbajde, bare komme. > Tage nummer og vente på få mine penge. Det majet, majet fint > arbajdsplas. Det orse majet stor firma og have mange, mange penge. > Jeg godt li Dannamak, men danske litt dumme. Man ikke få lov ha høns > og ged i lajlighed. Danske mann majet dum. Han bare arbajde og > arbajde. > Han altid majet træt. Han ikke sige noget til sin kone. Jeg hilse > på nt p kone. Hun kysse maj, jeg kysse hende. Han arbajde, jeg ikke > arbajde. Danske man kun blive gal, når jeg holde høns og ged, ikke når > jeg kysse kone. Det majet mærkeligt. Jeg ikke forstå. > Jeg nu har fin lajlihed i Ishøj. Her kun bo utlændige. Danske ikke > tjene nok til bo her. Danske give alle penge han tjent til den firma, > jeg > arbajde i - socjalen. Så han aldrig tjene nok. > Jeg nu synes at du tage hele familie med herop, så jeg hente > flyvebilletter hos min firma. Så jeg skaffe alle majet fin arbajde. > > Kærlig hilsen fra brojer > > Ali Ben Mahamed. > > > Enjoy life - keep smiling > > > >A boyfriend and girlfriend were visiting the zoo one day. They > > >stopped outside the gorilla cage and decided to observe the > gorilla's > > >habits. > > > The gorilla seemed bemused by the couple and just sat there > > doing absolutely nothing. After several minutes of staring at the > > >gorilla > > > ... the boyfriend said to his girlfriend "Lift up your blouse > > and show him your tits". > > > > > > The girlfriend, at first, refused but then decided that it > might > > >be amusing to see how the gorilla would react. She hoisted up her > > top and the gorilla raised his eyebrows. Seeing the gorilla's > reaction > > the boyfriend said "Drop your pants and show him your ass". > > > > > > The girlfriend dropped her pants and showed the gorilla her > ass. > > >The gorilla began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla > > > eyebrows. He started jumping up and down and running around > his > > > cage. The boyfriend then said to his girlfriend "Now drop your > > >pants and show him your pussy". > > > > > > The girlfriend hesitated for only a moment and then dropped > her > > > pants and showed the gorilla her pussy. The gorilla was now > > going completely crazy with sweat pouring off his brows and an > > enormous > > > gorilla hard-on. He was jumping up and down frantically. The > > >boyfriend then pushed his girlfriend into the cage! She was > shaking in the > > > corner and as the gorilla approached her the boyfriend said > "NOW > > > TELL HIM YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING HEADACHE!" > > > > Her er en rigtig superMAND historie. > > Superman was flying along one day feeling very horny. > > > > He came across Batman so he decided to ask Batman, > > "Hey Batman, I'm feeling horny. Do you know anyone I can sleep > > with?" > > > > Batman told Superman, "Wonderwoman. She's the best." > > > > Superman responded, > > "No, I can't do that. She's a friend and it might ruin our > > relationship." > > > > So Superman was flying along again when he came across Spiderman. > > He said, > > "Hey Spiderman, I'm really horny. Do you know where I can get a > > fuck?" > > > > Spiderman said, "Wonderwoman, she's the best!" > > Superman said, "No I can't do that to her. Thanks anyway." > > > > He flew off again and came across Captain America. He said, > > "Captain America, you're the man. I am feeling SO horny, > > do you know where I can get laid?" > > > > Captain America replied, > > "Wonderwoman, she is the best bed mate in Superhero land." > > > > Superman said, > > "Wow, I never knew that Wonderwoman slept with so many people. > > Still I can't do that to her." > > > > While flying again, he saw Wonderwoman in the middle of a field, > > totally naked, and with her legs spread up in the air. > > He thought to himself, I'm faster than the speed of light, > > I'll be in and out before she even knows it. > > > > So, overcome with horny, he flew down, DID IT, > > and flew away feeling totally satisfied. > > > > Meanwhile, in the field, Wonderwoman said, "What was that?!?" > > The Invisible man said, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts." > > > > A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. > > > She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. > > > When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his > > > face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress > > his > > > beard which is full and bushy. > > > "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with > both > > > hands. > > > "Actually, no" he replies. > > > "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, > running > > > her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. > > > "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is > > > there anything I can do?" > > > "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues > > > huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing > him > > > to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the > > > ladies." > > > > > > > CPR, og Katten > CPR > To tosser kom gående igennem en skov da den ene af dem falder over et > lig. "Nej, han er død vi må da prøve at puste liv i ham." Siger den > ene "Bare rolig," siger den anden og tager sidt pusterør frem "Den > klarer jeg." Efter at have sagt dette hiver han ligets bukser ned om > anklerene stopper pusterøret op i enden på det og begynder at puste. > Efter at have pustet i et stykke tid kikker han forpustet op på den > anden og siger "Nu kan jeg ikke mere du må overtage." Hvorefter den > anden tager pusterøret hiver det ud af enden på liget, vender det om, > stopper det op igen og puster. Den første tosse kigger på den anden > tosse og spørger "Hvorfor gjorde du det?" Og den anden tosse svarer > "Jeg ville da ikke sutte på den samme ende som dig." > > Katten > En læge kom ind i et rum på et sindsygehospital og så to tosser der > var igang med at vaske en kat i sæbevand. "Hvad har i gang i?" Spurgte > han "Ved i ikke at katten kan dø af det." Men de to tosser rystede > bare på hovedet og fortsatte. Lægen gik videre da han regnede med at > katten ikke stod til at rede. Da han senere kom tilbage til samme rum > så han at katten lå død over i det ene hjørne. "Ha, hvad sagde jeg den > kunne ikke tåle at blive vasket." Tosserne kiggede på og sagde "Jo den > kunne, den døde først da vi vred den." > > Clinton joke > Hvorfor er det ikke muligt at få Bill Clinton dømt? > Fordi hende der anklager ham har slugt bevis materialet. > > > To narko sigtede > Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and > appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You > seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance > rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to > show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs > forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." > > Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, > > "How > did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people > > to > give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you > tell > them?" > > "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this... > > o O > > and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and > this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," > said the judge. > > "And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I > persuaded > 156 people to give up drugs forever.""156 people! That's amazing! How > did > you manage to do that!""Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two > circles) > > o O > > I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before > prison..." > > > > Kunderegistrering > > > Tak for at De har købt et militærfly fra DcDonnel Dougals. Udfyld > venligst nedenstående garanti bevis: > > 1 (sæt kryds) > __ Hr __ Fru __ Kammerat __ Andet > Fornavn ________________ Efternavn___________________ > Længdegrad ______________ Breddegrad ______________ > Højde over havet ___________ Kodeord _________________ > > 2. Hvilken model har De købt: > __ F-14 Tomcat __ F-15 Eagle __ F-16 Falcon > __ F-19A Stealth __ Hemmelig > > 3. Dato _____________ > > 4. Serienummer ________________ > > 5. Hvordan har De købt produktet? > __ Modtaget som gave/støtteordning > __ Set i kataloget > __ Slibrig våbenhandler > __ Overskudslager > __ Hemmeligt > > 6. Hvordan blev De opmærksom på vores produkt: > __ Hørte høj lyd, kiggede op > __ Butiksvindue > __ Spionage > __ Anbefalet af ven/slægtning/allieret > __ Politisk lobby arbejde fra producenten > __ Blev angrebet af det > > 7. Sæt kryds ved de 3 faktorer, der var mest afgørende for Deres valg > af > produktet. > __ Stil/udseende > __ Bestikkelse > __ Anbefalet af sælger > __ Hastighed/manøvredygtighed > __ Komfort > __ McDonnel Douglas' ry > __ Negativ erfaring fra kampsituation > > 8. Sæt kryds ved de steder, produktet skal anvendes > __ Nordamerika > __ Sydamerika > __ Hangarskib > __ Europa > __ Mellemøsten > __ Asien/Fjernøsten > __ Diverse trejdelande > __ Hemmeligt > > 9. Sæt kryds ved de produktet, De ejer eller har planer om at købe i > nærmeste fremtid: > __ Farvefjernsyn > __ Interkontinentale missil > __ Dræbesatellit > __ CD-spiller > __ Luft-til-luft missil > __ Rumfærge > > > > > I en amerikansk undersøgelse er en række kvinder blevet spurgt om de > ville have sex med presidenten. > > 30% svarede: No > 70% svarede: Never again > > > Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a > problem with Mrs. Whittaker." > The boss says, "What's that?" > Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a > jumbo > shrimp sticking out of her pussy." > The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me." > They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the > sheet, > points, and says, " See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of > her > pussy." > The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a > piece > of shrimp. That's her clit." > Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp." > > > > --- > > A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really > hurts > when I have sex." > The doctor says, "Which position do you use?" > The lady says, "We always do it doggie style." > The doctor says, That's your problem. Try using the missionary > position." > She says, "I can't do that. My dog has terrible breath." > > A man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department: Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats; Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we are on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say 'Bell 1', you strip naked; 'Bell 2', you jump into bed; 'Bell 3', we are going to screw all night long!" The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1", she took off all her clothes; "Bell 2", she jumped into bed; "Bell 3", they began to screw! After about 2 minutes she yelled "Bell 4!!!" He said "What the hell is 'Bell 4'?" "MORE HOSE! MORE HOSE!" she said; "You ain't nowhere NEAR the fire!!" ********************************************************** Clinton joke Hvorfor er det ikke muligt at få Bill Clinton dømt? Fordi hende der anklager ham har slugt bevis materialet. To narko sigtede Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this... o O and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.""156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!""Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) o O I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison..." ***************************************************** CPR, og Katten CPR To tosser kom gående igennem en skov da den ene af dem falder over et lig. "Nej, han er død vi må da prøve at puste liv i ham." Siger den ene "Bare rolig," siger den anden og tager sidt pusterør frem "Den klarer jeg." Efter at have sagt dette hiver han ligets bukser ned om anklerene stopper pusterøret op i enden på det og begynder at puste. Efter at have pustet i et stykke tid kikker han forpustet op på den anden og siger "Nu kan jeg ikke mere du må overtage." Hvorefter den anden tager pusterøret hiver det ud af enden på liget, vender det om, stopper det op igen og puster. Den første tosse kigger på den anden tosse og spørger "Hvorfor gjorde du det?" Og den anden tosse svarer "Jeg ville da ikke sutte på den samme ende som dig." Katten En læge kom ind i et rum på et sindsygehospital og så to tosser der var igang med at vaske en kat i sæbevand. "Hvad har i gang i?" Spurgte han "Ved i ikke at katten kan dø af det." Men de to tosser rystede bare på hovedet og fortsatte. Lægen gik videre da han regnede med at katten ikke stod til at rede. Da han senere kom tilbage til samme rum så han at katten lå død over i det ene hjørne. "Ha, hvad sagde jeg den kunne ikke tåle at blive vasket." Tosserne kiggede på og sagde "Jo den kunne, den døde først da vi vred den." *****************************************' > > A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. > > She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. > > When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his > > face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress > his > > beard which is full and bushy. > > "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both > > hands. > > "Actually, no" he replies. > > "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running > > her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. > > "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is > > there anything I can do?" > > "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues > > huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him > > to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the > > ladies." > > ********************* A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he > notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says: > > SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. > > He thinks it was just a figment of his > imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he > sees another sign which says: > > SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES > > and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past > a third sign saying: > > SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, > > his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. > > On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building > with a small sign next to the door reading: > > SISTERS OF MERCY. > > He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by > a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" > > He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was > interested in possibly doing business." > > "Very well, my son. Please follow me." > > He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite > disoriented. > The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock > on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another > nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: > "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at > the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in > the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips > through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind > him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small > sign: > GO IN PEACE,YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. ************************ Ved I i øvrigt hvad man kalder Clinton's gylp? US Open.............. **************************** A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax." *************************** Her er en rigtig superMAND historie. Superman was flying along one day feeling very horny. > > He came across Batman so he decided to ask Batman, > "Hey Batman, I'm feeling horny. Do you know anyone I can sleep > with?" > > Batman told Superman, "Wonderwoman. She's the best." > > Superman responded, > "No, I can't do that. She's a friend and it might ruin our > relationship." > > So Superman was flying along again when he came across Spiderman. > He said, > "Hey Spiderman, I'm really horny. Do you know where I can get a > fuck?" > > Spiderman said, "Wonderwoman, she's the best!" > Superman said, "No I can't do that to her. Thanks anyway." > > He flew off again and came across Captain America. He said, > "Captain America, you're the man. I am feeling SO horny, > do you know where I can get laid?" > > Captain America replied, > "Wonderwoman, she is the best bed mate in Superhero land." > > Superman said, > "Wow, I never knew that Wonderwoman slept with so many people. > Still I can't do that to her." > > While flying again, he saw Wonderwoman in the middle of a field, > totally naked, and with her legs spread up in the air. > He thought to himself, I'm faster than the speed of light, > I'll be in and out before she even knows it. > > So, overcome with horny, he flew down, DID IT, > and flew away feeling totally satisfied. > > Meanwhile, in the field, Wonderwoman said, "What was that?!?" > The Invisible man said, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts." ************************************** To saedceller instrueres af deres mor: "Naar I snart i jeres liv skal stifte familie, gör I fölgende: Svöm som bare fanden, saa jeres kammerater sakker agterud, svöm omkring, til I stöder panden mod aegget, gennembryd cellevaeggen og nyd, at jeres formaal her i livet er opfyldt." Kort tid efter var tiden inde, alt rystede og hoppede omkring de to smaa fyre, og pludseligt blev de skyllet afsted sammen med alle deres kammerater. Da farten blev taget lidt af, begyndte de to fyre at svömme det bedste, de havde laert. Det var mörkt, og konstant stödte de hovederne mod noget haardt, men det var ikke aegget. Faret vild, forvirrede og halvt modlöse svömmer de rundt paa maa og faa, indtil de möder to andre fyre. "Hej", raaber de glade, "vi er to smaa saedceller, der hedder Per og Bjarne. Vi leder efter aegget. Kender i vejen?"."Naeaeaeh", svarer de andre, "Vi hedder Karius og Baktus, og vi arbejder her bare....." *********************** Hvad er definitionen af 'træls'? Det er når man sidder og malker sin ko og koen så begynder at sparke med benet. Så rejser man sig op og binder benet fast til en stolpe. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men så begynder koen at sparke med det andet ben. Så rejser man sig op og binder det andet ben fast til en stolpe. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men så begynder koen at vifte med halen. Så rejser man sig op og binder halen fast på ryggen af koen. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men i det samme skal man tisse. Så rejser man sig op, går om bag ved koen og begynder at hive bukserne ned. I det samme kommer konen ind... DET ER TRÆLS!!! ********************* Ordsprog : Selvom man er tyk, kan man jo godt have tynd mave ! En sommer var der mesterskaber i surfing ude på Kattegat. En af surferne forsvandt i bølgerne og folk kom ud og fik ham reddet ind igen. Da de skulle give ham kunstigt åndedræt var der en der sagde: - Han lugter af helvede til! Så var der en anden, der sagde: - Det er også en forkert, I har fået fat i. Ham her har skøjter på!!! *********************** A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied. "Just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news and now the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ........ about 15 feet. "That was great," the pro say, "nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" ************************** Det var en amerikaner, en franskmand og en Belgier der sad og snakkede om hvor dumme kvinder var. Nej hvor er kvinder dumme sagde amerikaneren - min kone har lige købt en flyvemaskine - og hun har ikke engang en flyvetilladelse. Nej sagde franskmanden, kvinder er bare for meget - min har lige købt en super porche og hun har ikke engang kørekort. Nej sagde belgieren, så er min kone alligevel værre - hun er lige taget på ferie med Club Med og hun har taget 2 æsker preservativer med - og hun har ikke engang en tissemand!! **************************** Og så var der den om manden, som kaldte sin bil for 'Kussen'. Den var grim, men meget god at køre frem og tilbage i...... Hvad er ligheden mellem at få et blow-job af Pia Kjærsgaard og gå på line mellem to bjergtoppe? I begge tilfælde skal man undlade at kigge ned.... *********************** > > THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. > > > > THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS > > > > USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. > > > > IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL > > > > HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS > > > > WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, > > > > FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN > > > > AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND > > > > ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND > > > > LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING > > > > SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN > > > > FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE > > > > SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER > > > > SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING > > > > SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING > > > > LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY > > > > HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, > > > > HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A > > > > DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. > > > > WHAT AM I??????? > > > > AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS > > > > NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.......... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > .....TOOTHBRUSH......... > > > > what were you thinking? > > ---------- *************************** Jeg har godtnok hørt den før, men det er jo ikke ens betydne med at I også har. PAS PÅ - affære kan være fatale for ens helbred - se nedenstående: >> En grusom død >> >> Det var begyndt at knibe med pladsen i himmelen, så Skt. Peter havde >> fået besked på kun at lukke dem ind der havde lidt en grusom død. >> >> Tre mænd kommer hen til himmeriges port, og Skt. Peter lukker den >> første ind og beder ham forklare hvordan han døde. "Jo ser du, jeg bor >> på 25. etage, og da jeg kom hjem idag, lå min kone i sengen ved højlys >> dag. Jeg fik selvfølgelig straks mistanke om at hun havde haft >> herrebesøg. Så jeg kiggede under sengen, i skabet og hvor man ellers >> plejer at lede, uden at finde ham. Så jeg gik ud på altanen, og der >> hang skiderikken i fingerspidserne ud over kanten. >> >> Grebet af raseri bankede jeg løs på hans fingre uden at han gav slip. >> Jeg for ind og hentede hammeren, og bankede løs igen, han faldt også >> ned men landede i en busk og overlevede. Så gik jeg ud og hentede >> køleskabet og kastede efter ham, og det døde han af. Grundet >> ophidselsen fik jeg selv hjertestop og døde altså. Det måtte skt. >> Peter indrømme var en fæl måde at dø på, så han blev lukket ind. >> >> Så kommer den næste ind: "Jo, ser du jeg bor på 26. etage, jeg tager >> hver dag 25 armbøjninger og 20 englehop ude på min altan. Men idag da >> jeg var igang med mine englehop røg jeg ud over kanten på altanen, jeg >> nåede dog lige at gribe fat på 25. etage. Efter det kom der en galning >> og bankede løs på mine fingre, jeg skreg selvfølgelig om nåde, men han >> løb ind og hentede en hammer, og bankede videre til jeg slap. Jeg >> landede heldigvis i en busk, og lå der uden at kunne bevæge mig. Men >> jeg var i live, det var det vigtigste. Desværre var det ikke nok for >> galningen, så han smed et køleskab efter mig, og det døde jeg af. Det >> var en fæl omgang så han kommer også ind. >> >> Så bliver det den tredje og sidste mands tur, og Skt. Peter spørger, >> "nå hvordan døde du så?". "Jah, det er en lidt pudsig historie...men >> prøv at forestille dig det her: Jeg sidder splitternøgen og gemmer mig >> i et køleskab...". > ************************************ A blonde woman competed with a brunette and a redhead in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first. The redhead was a close second. Much, much, later, the blonde finally reached shore, completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms!" ************************************ Tom had a contest on the radio today asking callers to name the Presidential member because it's in the news so often. The Billy Club. The Unguided Missile. Insane in the Main Vain. Wee Willie's Winkee. The Secret Servicer. Gross National Product. Wet Willie. Sweet Bill's Pickle. Visa, because it's everywhere you want to be. Gallop Poll. Cliche, because it's overused. Slick Willie's One Eyed Wonder Weasel. Nuclear MoreHead. Little Rock. The Honorable Discharger. Politically Erect. The Scandal Handle. Yankee Doodle Dandy. Newt, because it's the speaker of the house. West Wing Nut. The Power Tool. The Big Mac. McTool - over 3 billion served. The Little Impeach. The Chief's Staff. The Top Banana. Peter of the Free World. Hillary, so he can say "I only have sex with Hillary". Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Pide Piper, because when it's played all the rats come out of the woodwork. IRS (Intern Ramming System), the IRS gets everybody White House Woody. Absolute Power Poll. Commander in Briefs. Al Gore, because it's always stiff. All the Presidents Ten. The Titanic, because 1500 people went down on it. ************************'' Det siges, at Al Gore kun er een orgasme fra præsidentposten! ***************************** Paven og Bill Clinton dør samme dag, og egentlig skulle paven til himmels og Billy i Helvede, men pga. rod i papirerne sker det omvendte. Paven møder op i Helvede, og beklager sig over at være kommet det forkerte sted hen. Fanden kunne godt se at det måtte være en fejl, og ringede til Himlen. Efter lidt snak enedes man om at bytte, og paven begynder at stige op ad trappen til himlen. Bill Clinton begynder at gå ned af trappen i den anden ende, mod helvede. Midt på trappen mødes de, og paven siger : - Det var altså et chok at komme i helvede, jeg har altid glædet mig sådan til at komme i himlen og møde den hellige jomfru. Bill Clinton : - Du kommer 20 minutter for sent ! **************************** Og så siger de at man er uskyldig til andet er bevist. > President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office > to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. > "What is it?" the President yells.. > "It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want > to do about it?" the aide asks.. > "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President. > ---------- > > Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the > season. > The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something.. > Suddenly, Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws > her over the wall onto the field.. > The stunned umpire shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, > Throw the first PITCH!'" > > > Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells > them tonight's specials are chicken and fish.. > "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.. > The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.. > "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies. > ------------------------ > > Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? > A. The nation.. > > ------------- > > Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex? > A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." > > ---------------------- > > Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and > walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.. > > At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor > guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this > one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." > The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir." > > > > Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? > He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. > > Famous presidential quotes: > -"Ich bin ein Berliner" John F Kennedy > -"I'm not a crook" Richard Nixon > -"Tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev" Ronald Reagan > -"Read my lips" George Bush > -"Suck my dick" William J Clinton > > What's the best thing about being a female White House intern? > All of the "hands on" experience! > > Only President Clinton could divert attention from a sex scandal with > another sex scandal. > > The president said "a year and a half affair with Lewinsky would have > been impossible -- I would have become bored and cheated on her after > six months." > > What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? > They were both upset when Bill finished first. > > What is Bill's definition of safe sex? > When Hillary is out of town. > > AND for those of you who remember the famous "I DIDN'T INHALE" comes > the now soon to be famous #1 President Clinton excuse..."I didn't > insert" > > *************************** A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvellous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines" *********************************** A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." *******************************************'' One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, it wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate", "But......" stammers the driver. "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long. "Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!" "But....." says the driver. "Now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again" says the highlander. "I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness". ****************************** Det var bonden Jens der gerne ville skilles, men præsten ville gerne mægle så han bad Jens om at komme hen til ham og sagde følgende til ham Jamen Jens du ved godt der er fejl på begge sider! Ja sagde Jens, Hun har hverken patter eller røv! ********************************** Gnæk Gnæk, Den er sød. A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..." ********************************** > DECAF POOPACINO > Specialty > coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of > consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me > whenever I go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup > on my way to catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering > mutant beverages with names like "mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette > lattespressacino," beverages that must be made one at a time via a > lengthy and complex process involving approximately one coffee bean, > three quarts of dairy products and what appears to be a small > nuclear reactor. > Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those > of us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains > will start working and we can remember what our full names are and > why we are catching an airplane. We want to strike the > lattespressacino people with our carry-on baggage and scream "GET > OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE > OUR COFFEE!" But of course we couldn't do anything that active > until we've had ourcoffee. > It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine > medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently > view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of > thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious > heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate > waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a > hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles. > The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, > which makes us alert. Of course it is very important to remember > that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun. > No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have > serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first > noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed > to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is > very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids. > I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20s, when, as a > "cub" reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had > to stay awake while writing phenomenally boring stories about > municipal government. I got my coffee from a vending machine that > also sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids > squirted out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. > But I came to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing > useful before I've had several cups. (I can't do anything useful > afterward, either; that's why I'm a columnist.) > But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I > say this in light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo > Bishop. He sent me an invitation he received from a local company to > a "private tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee," which "at > $300 a pound... is one of the most expensive drinks in the world." > The invitation states that this coffee is named for the luwak, a > "member of the weasel family" that lives on the Island of Java and > eats coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a > "natural fermentation" takes place, and the berry seeds -- the > coffee beans -- come out of the luwak intact. The beans are then > gathered, washed, roasted and sold to coffee connoisseurs. > The invitation states: "We wish to pass along this once in a > lifetime opportunity to taste such a rarity." Or, as Bo Bishop put > it: "They're selling processed weasel doodoo for$300 a pound." > I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the > coffee craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak > coffee. I know because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company > in Atlanta. I paid $37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting > the beans to look exotic, considering where they'd been, but they > looked like regular coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid > that they were just regular beans, and that I was being ripped off. > Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that > people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT > pooped out by a weasel? > So anyway, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank > some. You know how sometimes, when you're really skeptical about > something, but then you finally try it, you discover that it's > really good, way better than you would have thought possible? This > is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my opinion, > tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it. But I predict it's > going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive. One of these > days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee place are > going to be ordering decaf poopacino. I'm thinking of switching to > heroin. ***************************** Forskellige måder at styre på. SOCIALISME : Du har to køer, du giver din nabo en af dem. KOMMUNISME: Du har to køer, regeringen tager begge to og giver dig mælk. FASCISME: Du har to køer, regeringen tager begge to og sælger mælk til dig. NAZISME: Du har to køer, regeringen tager begge to og skyder dig. BUREAUKRATI: Du har to køer, regeringen tager begge to, skyder den ene, mælken fra den anden smider de ud. KAPITALISME: Du har to køer, du sælger den ene og køber en tyr. EU-LAND: Du har to køer, regeringen køber din mælk, sælger den til dig igen til en lavere pris og låner dig så til at købe den tredje. ********************** It's the Spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" ****************************** Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit." ****************************** > Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's > his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to > the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much > is that Barbie in the window?" > In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" and continues, "We > have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie does to the Ball for > $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for > $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for > $265.00". > "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only > $19.95?" > "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's > house, Ken's car, Ken's boat..." > > *********************** Kan du huske urene fra R.E.M. De blev tvunget til at trække en reklamekampagne tilbage fordi den var slået op på en masse billeder omkring selvmord. I den forbindelse kunne man da forestille sig andre kampagner: *** Foto: Plejebo-assistenten, der føres bort i sin røde frakke, af politiet. Overskift: Vi slår i det mindste ikke de ældre ihjel - med vilje. Annoncør: ISS *** Foto: Michael Hutchence hænger i sit læderbælte på hotellet i Sydney. Overskrift: Det nye INXS-album hænger ikke på træerne. Annoncør: Fona 2000 *** Foto: Lille barn ligger med hovedet nedad i en swimmingpool. Overskrift: i det mindste er bleen stadig tør. Annoncør: Pampers *** Foto: En ung kvinde i en rullestol. Overskrift: Det er ikke vores skyld. Annoncør: Mercedes A *** Foto: En stor, sort mand, i et par kridhvide bukser. Overskrift: Vi kan klare meget, men ikke det hele. Annoncør: Omo vaskepulver *** Foto: 2 rabbinere slagter et lam. Overskrift: Her er der brug for en hvid tornado. Annoncør: Ajax *** Foto: Dyr ligger kvalt af røg på grusvej i østen Overskrift: Få frisk luft på kontoret med ægte fyrnåleduft. Annoncør: Ambi Pur *** Foto: 6 indvandrere banker en dansker med baseball-køller. Overskrift: Vi har sportsartikler til alle formål. Annoncør: Sportsmaster *** Foto: Sort sammenkrøllet Mercedes i tunnellen i Paris. Overskrift: Chaffører søges. Erfaring ingen hindring. Annoncør: Hovedstadens Taxaselskab *** Foto: Posedame, der sidder på varmeristen. Overskrift: Vi holder byen ren for skrald og skadedyr. Annoncør: R98 *** Foto: Mand, der banker sin kone gul og blå med en stegepande. Overskrift: Ridsefri grydeserie, der ikke giver røg i køkkenet. Annoncør: EvaTrio *** Foto: 14-Ârigt voldtægtsoffer med flået tøj i øde skov. Overskrift: Meld dig ind i Teen-club og få 3% rabat på nye klude. Annoncør: Vero Moda *** Foto: Død narkoman ligger på toilet på Aalborg Banegård, med kanylen hængende ud af armen. Overskrift: Der findes sprøjtemidler, der er værre end vores. Annoncør: Cheminova ************************'' > A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in > a > bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a > mate > who is loyal, rich and a good lover. > > After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a > man > in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. > > He says, "I'm here about your ad." > > Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?" > > "Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my > arms and legs," he replies. > > "Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. > > "I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You > can > look at my bank statement," he continues. > > Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know > you're a good lover?" > > He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" > ************************************* A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!" "But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a *sperm* bank." "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. "Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says. "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies. "Just drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it." "But sir, I just drank one!" "Drink another one or I'll shoot you!" The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband. "Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?" *********************************** Why was the blonde unhappy when she got her driver's licence? Because she got F in sex. **********************************' When the Reverend Francis Poor-Innocent-Guy Norton woke up Sunday morning and saw it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, he decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning, and everyone else was in church! At about this same time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord God,while looking down from the heavens, and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?!" The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE-IN-ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord God and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" *********************************** The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not John Kennedy Jr. again is it?" replies the chief. "No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur." One sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan". After dinner, George´s dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she´s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much exitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I´m afraid you can´t marry her". George was brokenhearted. After eight month he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We´re getting married in June". Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I´m awfully sorry about this" George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I´m never going to get married" he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister". "Hee, hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don´t pay any attention to what he says. He´s not really your father" *******************************************************' Der var engang en mand der trængte til noget af det "gode", så han gik ned til det lokale bordel og spurgte efter bordelmutter. Da hun kom hen til ham, sagde han til hende, at han ønskede en mulat. Det var ikke noget problem sagde hun, og lidt efter kom der en smuk mulat. Men der var dog en ekstra ting han ønskede - han ville gerne have hende med hjem. Ikke noget problem sagde mutter, men det kommer til at koste 3.000.kr ekstra. Som sagt så gjort. Manden fik mulatten med hjem. Da de endelig var kommet ind i lejligheden bad manden hende om at gå ud i badeværelser for at tage kjolen og trusserne af. Da det var gjort, stod hun stille og roligt og kiggede på ham. Nu skal du vende ryggen til mig og bøje dig fremover sagde han. Mulatten blev lidt skræmt ved tanken, men gjorde som der var blevet sagt - hun havde jo fået mange penge for det. Da hun havde stået foroverbøjet i 5 min blev hun utålmodig og kiggede på manden gennem sine spredte ben og spurgte: Hva' laver du, skal du ikke noget ? - Jooo sagde manden, jeg skal lave mit toilet om, og så ville jeg bare se, hvordan det ville komme til at se ud med brune fliser og lyserød fugning. ************************************* This years Darwin Awards runner-ups are: ***************** When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. ***************** A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. ***************** 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. ***************** David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. ***************** The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. ***************** Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a jacket of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. ***************** Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck. ***************** Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence. ***************** R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. ************************'' > A DAY OFF > > St.Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus > is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices > an old man in the queue who seems familiar.When this man gets to the front > of the queue Jesus asks him his name. > > "Joseph" is the reply,which makes Jesus more inquisitive. > > "Occupation?" is the next question,the reply being "Carpenter".Jesus is > now getting quite excited. > > In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is > "yes". > > "Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus,"Yes" comes the > reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his > eye shouts "FATHER,FATHER". > > The old man looks puzzled and, after a moment replies, > "PI....PI.....PINOCHIO??" > ********************* > > > > There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. > > He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to > > get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because > > he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. > > > > So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking > > around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too > > close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, > > looking for something special to please his wife, and started > > talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his > > situation, > > > > the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will > > do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special > > attachments, and so on, but I don't know of > > anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, > > except !!!" and he stopped. > > businessman "Except what?" > > the old man "Nothing, nothing." > > businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!" > > the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, > > but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" > > businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. > > > > The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old > > wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there > > lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and > > said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" > > > > The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." > > He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." > > > > The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and > > started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the > > vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door > > could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" > > > > The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, > > quiescent once more. > > > > Businessman "I'll take it!" > > The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally > > surrendered to 1700$ in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, > > told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to > > do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." > > > > He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he > > was gone. > > > > After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, > > she thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but > > then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said > > "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and > > started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever > > experienced before. > > > > After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to > > pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried > > and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had > > forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the > > hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in > > the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every > > thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her > > swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He > > asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. > > Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but > > that > > a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. > > > > The officer looked at her for a second, and then said: > > > > Yeah right, Woodoo dick, my ass... ********************************* It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed her to. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. " He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" ********************************************************** A 10 year old boy was playing in the living room with his model train set. As the train pulled into the station, he said: "Right, that's it. We're at Waterloo station. The bloody train doesn't go anywhere else, so all you fucking passengers get off the pissing train!". His mother, who was in the kitchen, came in, and said: "We don't use language like that in this house. Go to your room, and don't come out again until your ready to talk nicely." Two hours later, his mother went to the boy's room, and he assured her that he was going to talk politely, so she allowed him to return to play. A few minutes passed, and she was relieved to hear him say: "Dear passengers. The train to Southampton is now ready to depart. Would the last passengers kindly board the train. We thank you for using our services, and apologise for the two hour delay which was caused by the fucking bitch in the kitchen." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ --- ----------------------------- A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After along period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." the nun answered. "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." said the nun. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here." ---------- Arbejder du hårdt? Er du overanstrengt? Det er ikke så sært, for nu skal du høre hvorfor: 1) Danmark beboes af 5 millioner mennesker. 2) Af disse er 1,5 million over 67 år. Så er der 3,5 millioner tilbage. 3) Heraf er 1,5 millioner under 21 år. Så er der 2 millioner tilbage. 4) Af disse 2 millioner er den ene ansat ved staten, og så er der 1 million tilbage. 5) Heraf tager forsvaret alene 100.000 - og så er der 900.000 tilbage. 6) Kommunerne bruger heraf 400.000. Så er der ½ million tilbage. 7) Ifølge Danmarks Statistik er der konstant 300.000 på hospital, hvile- og plejehjem. Nu er der 200.000 tilbage. 8) Med 4 ugers ferie, søn og helligdage er der konstant 100.000, der har fri, og så er der kun 100.000 tilbage 9) Desværre er 88.000 heraf bumser og hashvrag, og så er vi nede på 12.000. 10) Men da der befinder sig 11.998 i landets fængsler og arresthuse, så er der kun 2 som opretholder hele det danske samfund: Dig og Mig ! "Og jeg tager på orlov fra i morgen." ***************************************** Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..." ************************'' A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." **************************** One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers - all clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue. The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's tally whacker. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "Oh heavens she exclaims, I got a bar of soap". The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looked steps closer and again, a couple of tugs on the priest's tally whacker and he drops the other bar of soap "my goodness, I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it. The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs, "my God this is amazing" she says, "I got hand soap!!" *********************** Non-tempting Attempts -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!" Stupidity =-=-=-=-= An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there... And she doesn't even have a penis!" Looking for Mr. Right -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. Then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper." "What ad," she said having almost forgotten what she had even asked for... "The personal ad," he replied. "As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?" And the man said with a grin on his face, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?" Bad language =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now" he says. The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me Sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can". The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?" "Yes Sir I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here". The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?" The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation. "Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid cunt?" "Ah" says the manager "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper". "Too fucking right" the bloke replies. The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?" the manager asks. The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb" gasps the manager, What is it called?" "I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end" replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed. The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Absolutely magnificent" cries the manager, "What is that called?" "I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke. The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic" crooned the manager, "What is that one called?" "Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece" replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts. The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl which the bloke retrieves and discovers itIs a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist but as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?" The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers, dribbling jissum all over your shoes?" The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it !" **************************' Hermed en lille julehistorie fra det jyske: >En ung mand ville købe en julegave til sin nye kæreste. Da de ikke >havde kendt hinanden særlig længe, bestemte han sig for et par >handsker, da han følte at det ville være passende romantisk, men >ikke for personligt.. >I selskab med kærestens søster gik han i magasin og købte et par >hvide handsker. >Søsteren købte et par trusser til sig selv. Under indpakningen >forveksler ekspedienten pakkerne, så kærestens søster fik >handskerne og han trusserne. Uden at kontrollere indholdet sender den unge >mand >gaven til sin kæreste sammen med følgende tekst: > >"Jeg valgte disse, da du normalt ikke har nogen på når vi går ud om aftenen. >Havde det ikke været for din søster havde jeg valgt en >lidt længere model med knapper, men hun bruger korte, der er lettere at >tage af. Disse er i en sart farve, men damen som jeg købte dem af, >viste mig sine egne som hun havde brugt de sidste tre uger, og de >var kun ubetydeligt beskidte Jeg fik hende til at prøve dine og de >passede hende udemærket. >Jeg ville ønske, at jeg kunne være der for at sætte dem på dig første >gang, da der højst sandsynligt kommer til at være andre hænder der >kommer i kontakt med dem, inden vi ses igen. Husk at blæse luft i >dem inden du lægger dem væk, da de højst sandsynligt bliver >fugtige under brug. Jeg håber, at du vil have dem på for mig fredag aften. >P.S. Den sidste nye mode er at bære dem nedrullet med lidt pels synlig." > >Efterspil: >Denne historie stammer fra Rick College i Texburgh, Idaho. Det siges at >bringe held at sende historien videre. Send rigeligt med penge >og lad computeren kopiere historien og send den til dine venner, som >du ønsker held og lykke. Du vil efter sigende komme ud for noget >godt de nærmeste dage, hvis kæden ikke brydes. *******************************************'' > - og sa var der den om den unge mand og den lidt mere modne og erfarne > kvinde der gik hjem sammen: Da de ligger i missionarstillingen > begynder kvinden at kede sig. "skal vi ikke prove noget nyt" foreslar > hun, "f.eks. en 69'er?" > Okay okay - han er ikke helt med, men hun far vist ham, hvordan man > gor. > Efter et par minutter slipper hun en ORDENTLIG en, der lugter af > h........ til. Py ha, han vrider sig noget, men holder ud. Efter > yderligere et par minutter slar hun endnu en og denne gang er den > virkelig slem. > Nej, han holder ikke til det, han lofter hovedet og si'r: > "Du oh, jeg tror altsa ikke, at jeg kan klare 67 mere!!!!!!" > > Emne: Et par engelske, den første er ret god. > > This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old > country but she was broke. > One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting > ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to > England" she > pleaded. "If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the > way across the ocean." > Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and > carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, > "When I bring you > some food, twice a day, I'll collect." And being true to her word she > agreed. > This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her. > "Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the story > to > the captain who busted up laughing. > "Why are you laughing?" she demanded. > He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry." > ****************************************************************** > What did God say when he saw Eve swimming in the ocean? > Dammit, It's gonna take me millions of years to get that smell > outta those fish! > ***************************************************************** > A special section of the army was practicing it's camouflage skills. > They were all dressed as trees and had blended themselves in with the > forest. The general is > driving by to inspect his hidden ranks and judge the effectiveness of > the maneuver when suddenly one of the soldiers breaks the drill and > starts running around > the place, jumping and screaming. Finally he's apprehended and brought > before the general, who asks: "Soldier, do you realize that you may > have > jeopardized > the whole exercise by your irresponsible behavior?" The soldier > explains, "Sir, I'm sorry. I did my best. I did nothing when birds > came > by and tried to make a > nest in my arms. I endured it when a dog came by and relieved himself > on > my shoes. But sir, I had to get moving when two squirrels ran up my > pants and > decided to eat one now and save the other for winter..." > ***************************************************************** > Why do Italian tanks have rear view mirrors? > So they can watch the battle. > ***************************************************************** > What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook? > "Steal a chicken..." > ***************************************************************** > ============= > ENGINEER HUMOR > ============= > What is "pi"? > Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between > the > circumference of a circle and its diameter. > Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005. > Engineer: Pi is about 3. > ******************* > A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed > for > a job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last > question is asked: "How much is one plus one?" Each of them suspects a > trap, and is hesitant to answer. > The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but I > think it converges". > The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of > one" > > Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum > said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world." "Why is that?" > said the other bum. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week > and I found a $20 bill. I went into town and bought me a case of > Thunderbird wine and was drunk for three days. The other bum said, > "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. > I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up > ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and > took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days." > "Jesus," said the first bum. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a > blow job, too?" "Well," the other bum said, "No, I never found her > head." ----- > > A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the > highway > the guy says to the girl, > "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She > agrees > and he begins to speed up. > When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all > her > clothes off he is so busy > staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl > is > thrown clear without a scratch but > her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help" > he pleads. She replies, > "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and > says > "Cover your crotch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, > covers > herself, and runs to the > gasstation down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to > the attendant, > "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the > shoe covering her crotch and replies, > "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in." > > Og endnu en > > > En dame, gravid i 7. måned går tur i skoven. Samme dag er en masse > jægere > derude og de baldrer selvfølgelig løs til højre og venstre. Uheldigvis > bliver den gravide dame ramt og hun ryger øjeblikkeligt på sygehuset, > hvor > de > heldigvis kan meddele, at der kun er tale om et kødsår. > > > To måneder efter føder hun tvillinger. En dreng og en pige. > > > Der går 12 år og så en dag kommer pigen farende ind til moderen og > fortæller ophidset at hun har haft en meget underlig oplevelse. Da hun > sad og tissede kom der to hagl med ud. Moderen beroliger pigen og > fortæller hende om historien fra dengang. > > > Der går yderligere to dage og så kommer drengen farende ind til > moderen > og siger at noget frygteligt er hændt ham. Ja, jeg ved det, siger > moderen, > der kom nogle hagl med ud da du tissede. > > > Nej, siger drengen, men jeg kom til at skyde katten, da jeg onanerede. > > 1. > Gitte og Poul møder hinanden til en fest, og som aftenen skrider frem, > bliver de enige om at tage hjem til Gitte for at dyrke noget sex. > Hjemme hos Gitte siger hun, at hun lige vil advare om, at hun er flad > som > et strygebræt, ja næsten som et spædbarn på overkroppen, hvorpå, Poul > svarer at så passer de meget godt sammen, da han er som en nyfødt > under > bæltestedet. > Gitte tager trøjen af, og ganske rigtigt, flad som et strygebræt med > to små > gajoler. Men da Poul tager bukserne af, taber hun både kæbe og mund, > hvorpå > Poul siger: > Det er det jeg siger, som et spædbarn: > 52 cm og 3500 gram > > 2. Kulturforskelle > An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, > admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a > young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial > shock > he said to himself, "Ah ze young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze > flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and continued to watch, remembering > good > times. > Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - > she > is dead!!" And he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to > tell Albert, > the police chief. > He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, > "Albert ... Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer > Gaston's field making love". The police chief smiled and said, > "Come come Henri, you are not so old remember ze young love! ze spring > time - ze air - ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." > "Mais non! You do not understand ze woman, she is dead!!" > Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the > station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, > confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the > doctor. "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert, I was in Gaston's field, > zere > is a young couple naked 'aving sex ". > To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must > remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is very > natural". Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, > "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!" > Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine > bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and > jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. > Upon getting here he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove > back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got > there, went inside, 'e smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, > "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead - she is > British." > > > >A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in > animated conversation. >The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her >attention is galvanized > when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I >come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. >Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I >come once-a-more". >"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we > don't talk about our sex lives in public!" >"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to >spella Mississippi." > >There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and >grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. > >"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. > >"Not too good" replied the daughter,"I only got $20 for a blow job". > >"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" > >"Good God!", said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get >something warm in our stomachs!" > Kvinden kommer gående hen ad gaden og passerer en dyrehandel. I vinduet er en stor reklame for en frø, der slikker fisse. Det må kvinden godt nok alligevel prøve, så hun går ind i forretningen. Det er godt nok vores sidste frø, men De skal få den for 200,- mod at de lover at ringe, hvis der skulle opstå problemer. Kvinden skynder sig hjem og klæder sig spændt af. Hun placerer frøen foran "indgangen", men straks springer frøen til venstre. Hun prøver igen og denne gang springer den til højre. Hun ringer straks til dyrehandelen og denne lover at komme forbi. På stedet må dyrehandelen konstatere at den ganske rigtigt ikke virker, hvorefter han tager frøen op og siger: Nu viser jeg det for sidste gang.......... > > Hvordan ved man, at en blondine er liderlig? > -Når man stikker hånden ned i hendes trusser, føles det som en hest, > der gumler havre. > > To sygeplejersker kommer gående ned ad en hospitalsgang. Da den ene > opdager, at den anden bærer på et litermål, der er fyldt med sæd, > spørger hun: > "Hvor i al verden stammer alt det sæd fra? Kommer du oppe fra > sædbanken?" > Den anden svarer: > "Nej, jeg kommer nede fra ambulatoriet. Vi har lige haft en blondine > til udpumpning!" > > Hvorfor blev blondinen skuffet, da hun kom til London? > - Hun opdagede, at Big Ben bare var et ur! > > De Grove > Hvornår er det værst at få bind for øjnene ? > Når det er brugt ! > > Hvordan ved man at diana ikke havde skæl ? > Fordi hendes Head And Sholders lå på forsædet! > > Hvorfor spiser negere kun hvid chokolade ? > Fordi de er bange for at bide sig selv i fingrene > > > hvornår slikker vegetarer fisse ? > Når konen har svamp ! > > Hvornår ved lillebror at storesøster har menstruation ? > Når fars tissemand smager ad blod. > > Hvorfor kan Pinocio ikke få børn ? > Haribo har solgt hans kugler. > > Hvorfor har Kaj og Andrea så store øjne ? > Fordi de har en hånd oppe i r...n > > Uffe Ellemann, Poul Nyrup og Mogens Lykketoft er omkommet ved et > flystyrt. > De vågner noget fortumlede og opdager at de er havnet i helvede. Kort > efter > åbner en dør sig, og den grimmeste kvinde de nogen sinde har set viser > sig bag > døråbningen. Hun er mindre en en meter høj, lugter som en i helvede og > har > bylder over hele kroppen. I det samme lyder en dyb rungende stemme: > Uffe Ellemann, DU HAR SYNDET, så du skal tilbringe evigheden i seng > med denne > kvinde. > Derefter bliver Uffe Ellemann ført ind til kvinden af djævlens > håndlangere og > døren lukket og l st. Poul Nyrup og Mogens Lykketoft står chokerede > tilbage. > Kort efter åbner endnu en dør sig, og en (om muligt) endnu grimmere > kvinde > kommer til syne. Hun er over 2 meter høj, tromlefed og omsværmet af > fluer og > andet kravl. I det samme lyder en dyb rungende stemme: > Poul Nyrup, DU HAR SYNDET, så du skal tilbringe evigheden i seng med > denne > kvinde Poul Nyrup bliver ført ind til kvinden af djøvlens håndlangere > og døren > lukket og Mogens Lykketoft står chokeret og alene tilbage. > Lidt efter åbner en tredie dør sig, og en kvinde, der ligner Tina > Kjær > umiskendelig meget kommer til syne. Mogens Lykketoft liver op, og er > så småt på > vej til at gå hende i møde, da en buldrende stemme lyder: Tina Kjær, > DU HAR > SYNDET........ > > Emne: Hvorfor er det fedt at være mand ? > > > > 1) Telefonsamtaler KAN overstås på 30 sekunder. > 2) Nøgne mennesker på film er næsten altid kvinder. > 3) 14 dages ferie kan klares med én kuffert. > 4) Vennerne er bedøvende ligeglade med, om du har tabt dig eller > taget på. > 5) Når du kanal-zapper, behøver du ikke at standse hver gang, du ser > en dergræder. > 6) Din røv er aldrig interessant under en jobsamtale. > 7) På natklubber kan du gå på toilettet alene. > 8) Du beholder dit efternavn. > 9) Hvis dit arbejde kritiseres, tror du ikke automatisk, at de andre > i hemmlighed hader dig. > 10) Du kan se humoren i Tid til Kærtegn. > 11) Du behøver ikke barbere dig fra halsen og ned. > 12) Ingen af din kollegaer kan fa dig til at græde. > 13) Tre par sko er nok. > 14) Michael Bolton eksisterer ikke i dit univers. > 15) Du er ligeglad med om nogen bemærker, at du er blevet klippet. > 16) Et humør i mere end en time af gangen. > 17) Samme arbejde.. mere i løn. > 18) Med 400 spermatosorer pr skud, i teorien kan du fordoble jordens > befolkning med 15 skud. > 19) Du kan besøge venner uden at tage en lille gave med. > 20) Prinsesse Dianas død var bare endnu en nekrolog i avisen. > 21) Pornofilm er lavet med dig i tankerne. > 22) Hvis man ikke synes om en person, udelukker det ikke at have sex > med vedkomne. > 23) Baywatch. > 24) En dag bliver du en gammel gris. > 25) Du kan skrive dit navn i sneen. > > > So, these three good friends arrive at a ski lodge late at night, and > are told there's only a single room available. Fortunately, it has a > king-size bed and they agree to share the room, quickly going to bed > in order to hit the slopes early the next morning. > > The next morning, while they're suiting up, the man that slept on the > left side of the bed says, "You know, I had the strangest dreams! I > kept dreaming that someone was jerking me off!" > > "That's funny," replies the man sleeping on the right, "I had the same > kind of dream!" > > They both turn and stare at their friend that had slept in the middle. > "Don't look at me!" he exclaims. "I dreamed about skiing all night!" > ----- A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." Søren fik tæsk Lille Søren fik altid bank af sin far, indtil den dag faderen begyndte at spille fodbold i FCK - de tæsker namlig ikke nogen - ALDRIG! Snøft MAN ER JO fck'ER, MEN DET VAR DEN GANG DET GIK MINDRE GODT , VI VINDER I ÅR. hvornår slikker vegetarer fisse ? Når konen har svamp ! Hvornår ved lillebror at storesøster har menstruation ? Når fars tissemand smager ad blod. Hvorfor kan Pinocio ikke få børn ? Haribo har solgt hans kugler. Hvorfor har Kaj og Andrea så store øjne ? Fordi de har en hånd oppe i r...n Hvordan ved man, at en blondine er liderlig? -Når man stikker hånden ned i hendes trusser, føles det som en hest, der gumler havre. To sygeplejersker kommer gående ned ad en hospitalsgang. Da den ene opdager, at den anden bærer på et litermål, der er fyldt med sæd, spørger hun: "Hvor i al verden stammer alt det sæd fra? Kommer du oppe fra sædbanken?" Den anden svarer: "Nej, jeg kommer nede fra ambulatoriet. Vi har lige haft en blondine til udpumpning!" Hvorfor blev blondinen skuffet, da hun kom til London? - Hun opdagede, at Big Ben bare var et ur! De Grove Hvornår er det værst at få bind for øjnene ? Når det er brugt ! Hvordan ved man at diana ikke havde skæl ? Fordi hendes Head And Sholders lå på forsædet! Hvorfor spiser negere kun hvid chokolade ? Fordi de er bange for at bide sig selv i fingrene Denne side indholder et udpluk af skadesanmeldelser skrevet til de danske forsikringsselskaber, men med et tilfælles, at vise hvor "ekstreme gode" den danske befolkning er til at udtrykke sig i skrift. "(sprogforviring)". SKADESANMELDELSER BILFORSIKRING: * Jeg tudede i hornet, men det virkede ikke idet det var stjaalet. * Jeg kastede et enkelt blik på min svigermor, som sad på bagsaedet, og kørte direkte ud over skraaningen. * En fodgænger ramte mig og forsatte ind under vognen. * Jeg mener, at ingen af parterne er skyld i uheldet, men hvis det ikke mindre er tilfaeldet er det den anden. * Jeg kørte manden ned. Han indroemmede, at det var hans skyld, idet han tidligere var blevet koert ned. * Uheldet skyldes, at den anden nær havde undgaaet mig. * Jeg stoedte sammen med en holdende bus, der koerte i modsat retning. * Jeg koerte ind i en anden vogn, for at undgaa sammenstoed. * Vognen maatte dreje skarpere end noedvendigt paa grund af en usynlig lastbil. * Jeg stoedte sammen med et stillestaaende træ. * Hund paa vejen slog bremserne i og skred. * Jeg fortalte den idiot hvad han var, og fortsatte. * Rotterne udsatte indtraekket for overlagt haervaerk. * Jeg mente sideruden var rullet ned, men det var den ikke, hvilket jeg foest konstaterede da jeg stak hovedet ud af det. * En ko slentrede ind i min bil. Man fortalte mig senere at koen var åndssvag. * Hvis føreren af den anden vogn var stoppet nogle meter bag sig selv, var uheldet aldrig indtruffet. * Jeg har koert bil i 40 aar, da jeg pludselig faldt i soevn bag rattet. SKADESANMELDELSER LIVSFORSIKRING: * Blind, sket ved et slag i øjet. * Min moder døde nær de 50, nærmest af spiritus. * Blodforgiftning i den ene arm begrundet på en rift på Frederiksberg Hospital. Har konsumeret flere læger. * Død som spæ. * Ved at undersøge sagen nærmere er Larsen gift. * Undertegnede erklærer herved efter at have set frk. Jensens ben, og er som følge heraf uarbejdsdygtig. * Kasseret på grund af, at det ene ben er skævt som følge af bræk. * Min fader døde pludesligt, men det var ikke noget alvorligt. * Hvoraf min moder døde ved jeg ikke, men af sidste sygdom kom hun sig fuldsændig. * Min søn er åndssvag, og som sådan ansat i min forretning. * Min mand er død, han har hængt sig selv , det svin. * Kasseret for at miste den halve finger på højre hånd nr 3. * Det venstre ben er ca. 2 cm. kortere end det andet, som jeg er født med. * I ægteskabet er der et barn, som nu er helt opløst. > WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN > YOUR CAR: > > MS-DOS: > You would get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. > > Windows: > You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because > attached > to the back of your car is a freight train. > > Macintosh System 7: > You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives you to church > > UNIX: > You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 > miles > per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop. > > Windows NT: > You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to store". Then > you get out of the > car and mail the letter to your dashboard. > > OS/2: > After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and > drive > to the store with a > motercycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, > the > car > blows up, killing everbody in town. > > S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv]: You get in the car and drive to the store. > Halfway there you run > out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by > kids > on > mopeds. > First, there were :) smiley emoticons. > Then there were (_)(_)or (!) butt emoticons. > Now, there are (.)(.) emoti-boobies! > > > (.)(.) Boobies > > ( . )( . ) Bigger Boobies > > ( O )( O ) Pamela Anderson-Lee boobies > > (,)(,) Boobies with pierced nipples > > . . Very Little Boobies > > ( * )( * ) Implanted Boobies (very pert) > > ( ) ( ) Nursing Mom boobies > (.) (.) > > (^)(^) Madonna Boobies > > -<.><.>- Teeny Bikini Boobies > > --(.)(.)-- Regular Bikini Boobies > > ---( . )-( . )--- Mondo Bikini Boobies > > x x No boobies > > (/)(/) Feminist Boobies > > ()() Wonderbra Boobies > > > > One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time." An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." > >A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in > animated conversation. >The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her >attention is galvanized > when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I >come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. >Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I >come once-a-more". >"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we > don't talk about our sex lives in public!" >"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to >spella Mississippi." > > Kvinden kommer gående hen ad gaden og passerer en dyrehandel. I vinduet er en stor reklame for en frø, der slikker fisse. Det må kvinden godt nok alligevel prøve, så hun går ind i forretningen. Det er godt nok vores sidste frø, men De skal få den for 200,- mod at de lover at ringe, hvis der skulle opstå problemer. Kvinden skynder sig hjem og klæder sig spændt af. Hun placerer frøen foran "indgangen", men straks springer frøen til venstre. Hun prøver igen og denne gang springer den til højre. Hun ringer straks til dyrehandelen og denne lover at komme forbi. På stedet må dyrehandelen konstatere at den ganske rigtigt ikke virker, hvorefter han tager frøen op og siger: Nu viser jeg det for sidste gang.......... -Hvorfor skabte gud alkohol? -Så grimme kvinder også kan få sex en gang imellem. - Hvad er ligheden mellem en jomfru og en telefax? - Når man hører en hyletone, ved man at man er kommet i gennem. - Hvad siger en blondines skamlæber til hinanden, når flyet lander på Ibiza? - Vi ses om 14 dage. - Hvordan fandt Pinocchio ud af at han var af træ? - Der gik ild i ham da han onanerede. -Hvad sagde Bill Gates's kone til ham på deres bryllupsnat? -Nu ved jeg hvorfor du kaldte dit firma Microsoft. -Hvad siger en blondine når hun har lyst til sex? -Jeg er bare sååååååååå fuld. -Den ene patient til den anden: "Ta'r du nogen sinde din kone i det 'forkerte' hul?" "Nej da, hun skulle jo nødig blive gravid!" -Hvordan åbner en rigtig mand sin øl? -Den er sgu åben, når kvinden kommer med den til ham. -Hvordan kan man se om en polsk kvinde har sin menstruation? -Hun har kun een sok på. -Hvad er ligheden mellem en ishockeypuck og et polsk menstruationsbind? -De skal begge to holde i tre perioder. -Hvad gør rigtige mænd når de har slikket glatbarberet fisse? -De lægger bleen på igen....... ---- FØJ -Hvorfor har afrikanske børn store maver og tynde arme og ben? -De spiser for meget, og arbejder for lidt. -Hvad siger en blondine, når hun har nået karrierens højdepunkt? -Sonofon, godaften. -Hvad er de værste tre år i en blondines liv? -1. Klasse. -Manden: Er jeg den første mand, du har elsket med? -Blondinen: Ja selvfølgelig. Hvorfor spørger alle mænd om det? - En dag havde læreren seksualundervisning med sin 5.klasse. Et stykke ind i timen spurgte han ud over klassen: "Hvad får man, hvis man får en tømrers tissemand ind i munden?" - tavshed. "Så får man tømrer" forklarede læreren. "Hvad får man så hvis man får en murers tissemand i munden?" spurgte læreren - igen tavshed. "Så får man murer". Igen spurgte læreren: "Hvad får man så hvis man får en folkeskolelærers tissemand i munden?" Lille Søren havde taget mod til sig: "Så får man ille penis? En mand stod og fortalte sin nabo, om den dag han havde været inde i Istedgade: - Jeg gik ind i nummer 43, over døren stod der med store frække bogstaver "KOM IND", og den førte ind til en lille gang med to døre. Over den ene dør stod der "UNG" og over den anden stod der "GAMMEL". Jeg gik selvfølgelig ind ad døren hvor der stod "UNG". Jeg kom derfra ind i en anden lille gang med to døre. Her stod der "STOR FYR" og "LILLE FYR". Jeg gik ind ad døren med "STOR FYR" og kom ind i endnu en lille gang med to døre. Der stod "DYRT KNALD" og "BILLIGT KNALD". Jeg talte mine penge, og jeg syntes ikke, at jeg havde råd til det dyre, så jeg gik ind ad den billige dør. - Og hvad så? spurgte naboen spændt. - Ja, så stod jeg ud på gaden igen... Lærerinden spørger lille Peter: - Hvad er 2 + 2? Peter som tæller på fingrene, svarer: - 2 + 2 er... øh.. 4! - Hvad er så 3 + 3? Peter tæller igen på fingrene: - 3 + 3 er.. øh... 6! Lærerinden siger, at Peter ikke må tælle på fingre, og at han skal putte hænderne i lommen. Så spørger hun: - Hvad er 5 + 5? - 5 + 5 er... øh... 11! - Pas på, råbte Hans til sin kone, da hun sad og syede på sin elektriskesymaskine. Pas på, du ikke rammer fingeren med den nål! Ikke for hurtigt! Nu må du hellere vende sytøjet! - Sig mig engang, tror du virkelig, jeg har brug for dine råd? - Jamen, lille mor, jeg hjælper dig jo bare med at sy, ligesom du plejer at hjælpe mig med at køre bil!.. Kresten og Marie havde fejret sølvbryllup med en middag på kroen. Da de kom hjem foreslog Marie, at de skulle prøve at opleve det samme som på bryllupsnatten for 25 år siden. Kresten var straks enig med Marie, som gik ud i badeværelset for at gøre sig i stand. Kresten gik ind i soveværelset, men da Marie lidt senere kom ind, kunne hun ikke finde Kresten. - Kresten! Kresten, hvor er du? råbte hun. - Her! lød det oppe fra klædeskabet. - Hvad i alverden laver du der? - Er det da ikke her, du stiller jorbærgrøden, når den skal blive stiv? The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch >> crying. "What's wrong?" she asked. >> "Do you remember when we were dating and your father >> told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 >> years?" he said. "Yes" she responded, "so what?" >> "I would have gotten out of prison today!" he sobbed. >> ======================= >> >> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a >> woman's sex drive by 90 percent. ... wedding cake! >> ========================= >> >> In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then >> God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, >> neither God nor man has rested. >> ========================= >> >> Why do men die before their wives? They want to. >> =========================== >> >> Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women >> won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. >> =============================== >> >> A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on >> Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She >> looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." >> ======================================== >> >> Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two >> mothers-in-law >> ==================================== >> >> After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking >> with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden >> of >> Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, >> that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." >> ================================== >> >> The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on >> the TV?" I said, Dust!" ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS 1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. 10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. 23) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 24) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours." ****************' Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world." "Why is that?" said the other bum. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20 bill. I went into town and bought me a case of Thunderbird wine and was drunk for three days. The other bum said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days." "Jesus," said the first bum. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well," the other bum said, "No, I never found her head." ----- >There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and >grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. > >"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. > >"Not too good" replied the daughter,"I only got $20 for a blow job". > >"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" > >"Good God!", said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get >something warm in our stomachs!" > > > A prisoner on death row was feeling extremely anxious the morning of his execution on the electric chair, because he could not withstand pain. One sympathetic guard tried to reassure him, telling him that electricity would take his life in a wink, and that he would not have time to suffer. The executioner then came for another prisoner on death row and took him in shackles to the execution room. After a short while, loud screams and horrible howls were filling up the whole jail. 'What is this, what is going on?' asked our anxious prisoner. The guard went to check and came back. 'The jail had a power failure during the execution, so they are finishing the job with candles.. A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks onthe door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. **** Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." Seeking for alternative ------------------------- This couple lay down to sleep for the night. As they were falling asleep, the husband reached over and gently stroked his wife's arm. She said: "not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh." So he rolled over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he leaned over and whispered " do you have a dentist appointment, too?" ----------------------------- 4 nuns --------- 4 nuns died and appeared before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter asked the 1st nun to repent for her sins. She said that she had no sins. St. Peter said she must have sinned at least once. "OK", said the nun, "Once I touched a man's penis with my finger, but just my finger." St. Peter said, "That's Ok, just wash that finger in the large cistern of holy water over there and you may proceed through the gates into Heaven." The 2nd nun was asked the same question by St. Peter. Apparently, she had touched a man's penis with her hand. St. Peter then ordered here to wash her hand in the large cistern of holy water, and then proceed through the gates to Heaven. When the 3rd nun approached St. Peter, the 4th nun interjected and, while pointing to the 3rd nun, said "Can I gargle in that holy water before she sticks her ass in it?" ------------------------------------------------------ >Why did Diana want to die? >She wanted to be the first to see Versace's 98 collection > >What was Di's last drink? >A Harvey Wallbanger and six chasers > >************************************************************** >What was the last thing Dodi said to his chauffeur? >Do you want to go to Paris with me and Di > >************************************************************** >What's the queen giving Fergie for Christmas? >A black Mercedes and a trip to Paris >What were Di's last words? >Leave me alone, I'm a bloody Princess > >Why did Di die ? >Because Mercedes bends > >************************************************************** >What was the last thing to go through Di's mind? >The windscreen > >What did Dodi say to the chauffeur? >Do you want to come out tonight with me and Di? > >************************************************************** >What does Diana stand for? >Died In A Nasty Accident > >************************************************************** >What does DODI stand for? >Died of Driver Intoxication > >************************************************************** >Mercedes have recalled DODI's car for paint problems >The inside was splattered with Di > >************************************************************** >When the people at the Ritz asked Princess Di if she wanted a room for >the >night she said, "No, I'm gonna crash with my boyfriend > >************************************************************* >Did Dodi do Di before Di and Dodi died? ************************************************************** >What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods? >Tiger has a good driver > >************************************************************** >If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in the glove >compartment? > Jeg fant lige dem her på en dansk sight.. http://www.imada.ou.dk/~mmj/humor.html - Hvad laver bamse og kylling ombord på Scandinavian Star? - De leder efter Aske. - Hvad er den hyppigste dødsårsag i Somalia? - Fralandsvind. - Hvad kalder man en klog blondine? - En Golden retriever. - Adam gik rundt og kedede sig i himmerige, så han spurgte Gud om han ikke kunne få noget at få tiden til at gå med. Gud sagde, at han kunne skabe et væsen der opfyldte alle mandens behov. Hun var skøn, kunne lave god mad, passe børn, være en sexbombe o.s.v. "Hvad skal det koste", spurgte Adam. "2 armbøjninger og en arm", svarede Gud. Adam tænkte lidt over det og svarede: "Det er for meget - hvad kan man få for et ribben." - Hvad er ulempen ved pædofili? - Man skal meget tidligt i seng. - Hvorfor har kvinder kun 4 hjerneceller? - En til hver kogeplade. - Hvad kalder man en kvinde der har mistet al hjernekapacitet? - Enke. - Hvad er ligheden mellem en jomfru og en telefax? - Når man hører en hyletone, ved man at man er kommet i gennem. - Hvordan kan bøsser kysse hinanden under samleje? - Hvis den ene har afføring ud gennem siden. - Hvad er ligheden mellem Prins Joakim og vaseline? - De kommer begge to i en gul dåse. - Så var der blondinen der blev fyret fra M&Ms-fabrikken. - Hun smed alle W-erne ud. - Hvad er det første en blondine gør når hun vågner? - Tager sit tøj og går hjem. - Det var lille Lise og hendes mor, der var på banegården. Pludselig siger lille Lise til moderen: "Se mor, er det ikke en 20'er dernede på skinnerne?" "Jo, sandelig" svarede moderen, og hoppede ned på skinnerne. Lige i dette øjeblik kom lyn-IC3-toget, og splattede moderen totalt ud over hele banegården. Men lille Lise grinte jo bare - for hun vidste jo godt det bare var en kapsel. - Så var lille Lise i biografen en dag, hvor hun kom til at sidde ved siden af en stor marinesoldat. Midt i filmen spurgte han hende: "Hej, må jeg ikke smage dine popcorn?" "Jo" svarede lille Lise. Straks efter førte marinesoldaten sine store voksne hænder op på lille Lise's små jomfruelige bryster. Men hun grinte jo bare - for hun vidste jo godt at det ikke var der popcornene de var. - En dag havde læreren seksualundervisning med sin 5.klasse. Et stykke ind i timen spurgte han ud over klassen: "Hvad får man, hvis man får en tømrers tissemand ind i munden?" - tavshed. "Så får man tømrer" forklarede læreren. "Hvad får man så hvis man får en murers tissemand i munden?" spurgte læreren - igen tavshed. "Så får man murer". Igen spurgte læreren: "Hvad får man så hvis man får en folkeskolelærers tissemand i munden?" Lille Søren havde taget mod til sig: "Så får man folkeskolelærer." "Ja - og gode karakterer" - Hvorfor står der en flok på 17 blondiner uden for et diskotek? - Fordi der står man skal være 18 for at komme ind. - En mand går ind i en bagerbutik, og siger:"Goddag, jeg vil gerne have 99 brød." - "Hvorfor køber du ikke bare 100", spørger bageren - "Er du da helt sindssyg, man kan sgu da ikke spise 100 brød." En cowboy kommer ridende ind i en lille by, og stopper ud for salonen, stiger af og går om bag hesten og kysser den i røven. En man der undrende har stået og set på, kan ikke lade være med at spørge: "Hvorfor kyssede du din hest i røven?" "På grund af tørre læber", svarede cowboyen. "Hvad har det med det og gøre?" "Det forhindrer mig i at slikke på dem" - Hvordan fandt Hans Engell ud på Helsingør-motorvejen? - Han sjussede sig frem. - Hvad siger en blondines skamlæber til hinanden, når flyet lander på Ibiza? - Vi ses om 14 dage. -Hvad er ligheden mellem et jagtgevær og en blondine? - De skal begge knækkes på midten og lades bagfra. -Hvordan fandt Pinocchio ud af at han var af træ? - Der gik ild i ham da han onanerede. -Hvad er ligheden mellem en sædcelle og en Københavner? -De farer rundt som tossede, og det er kun 1 ud af 1000000 der bliver til noget. -Hvad sagde Bill Gates's kone til ham på deres bryllupsnat? -Nu ved jeg hvorfor du kaldte dit firma Microsoft. -Vidste I godt der er Østrogen i øl? -Jo flere man drikker, jo dummere bliver man, og efter 10 kan man ikke køre bil. -Hvad kalder man en blondine hvis næse løber? -Fuld. -Hvad siger en blondine når hun har lyst til sex? -Jeg er bare sååååååååå fuld. -En mand sider og venter i en lang bilkø ovre i USA. En betjent kommer gående ned langs bilerne, og en mand stikker hovedet ud af viduet og spørger, hvad der er galt. "Jo" siger betjenten, "O.J. Simpson har lagt sig ude på vejen, og klager over, at han ikke har råd til at betale de 8 millioner dollars han skal betale i erstatning. Han siger at han vil hælde benzin ud over sig, og sætte ild til sig selv". "Jamen hvad laver du så her ?" spørger manden. "Jeg har startet en indsamling". "Hvor meget har du så fået indtil nu ?" "4 liter." -Hvad er forskellen på en mursten og en moderkage? -Man kan ikke lave biksemad af en mursten. -Den ene patient til den anden: "Ta'r du nogen sinde din kone i det 'forkerte' hul?" "Nej da, hun skulle jo nødig blive gravid!" -Hvorfor er lesbiske kvinder så blege? -På grund af jernmangel. -Og så var der lægen, der pillede termometeret ned fra bag øret, kiggede forundret på det, og udbrød: "Men hvor er så min kuglepen?" -Hvordan åbner en rigtig mand sin øl? -Den er sgu åben, når kvinden kommer med den til ham. *** 082 *** Det var to dygtige læger der stod og diskuterede om hvor vidt kvinder havde én eller to hjerne celler, de får så at vide at en kvinde var kørt galt og de kunne overtage liget til obduktion. Da de er færdige med den egentlige obduktion bliver de enige om at de vil have afklaret "mysteriet" om kvinders hjerne. De skærer det øverste af kraniet af og åbner. Til deres store overraskelse opdager de at der kun er en snor der inde... De bliver enige om at hjernecelle(r)n(e) er BAGVED snoren og klipper den over, og plup så faldt ørene af... Dette er en lille mail til de mennesker der konsekvent påstår, at det udelukkende er i DBU regi, at man kan finde folk der laver ekstra ordinært dumme ting!!!!!! DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED > > You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor >given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing >themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way The 1995 winner was >the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of >him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. > In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a jet >engine (JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred >feet above the road. >*And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few >Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's >boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined >the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight >disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy >himself with watching jets fly over his backyard. > One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went >to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons >and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, >would measure more than four feet across. >Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn >chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the >balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still >only a few feet above the ground. > Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a >six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a >few balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating >lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and >provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 >feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours >come back down. > Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord >anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or >so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. >He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After >climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he >couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load >and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold >and frightened, for more than 14 hours. > Then he really got in trouble. > He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of >Los Angeles International Airport. > A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and >described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed >the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. > LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter >was dispatched to investigate. > LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore >breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter >in hot pursuit. > Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the >crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in >for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away >whenever they neared. > Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred >feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and >was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly >executed by the helicopter crew. >*As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting >members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in >handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he >had done it. > Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, > "A man can't just sit around." > >Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner. Hi! Thought you would enjoy this... Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?" St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of naked women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the naked women playing in the water?" "That was a demo version," replied St. Peter. *************' Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. > SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING > > In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity > from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well > trained > through our program of Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We are > trying to > give employees more SHIT than anyone else in the industry. > > If you feel that you do not recieve your share of SHIT on the job, > please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of > the SHIT list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that > you get all the SHIT you can handle. > > Employees who refuse to take their SHIT will be placed in Departmental > Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEP SHIT). Thise who fail to take DEEP > SHIT seriously will have to attend Employee Attitude Training (EAT > SHIT). > Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't > have to do > SHIT anymore, and are all full of SHIT already. > > If you are full of SHIT you may be interested in a job training > others. > We can add your name to our Basic Understading Lecture List (BULL > SHIT).Those who are full of BULL SHIT will receive the SHIT jobs, and > can apply for promotion to the Director of Intensity Programming (DIP > SHIT). > > If you have any further questions, please direct them to our Head Of > Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT SHIT). > > Thank you > > Boss In General > Special High Intensity Training > (BIG SHIT) > *******************' PATRON : Waiter! Waiter! WAITER : Hi, My name is Bill. I'm your support waiter for this evening. What seems to be the problem ? PATRON : There's a fly in my soup ! WAITER : Try looking again, sir, maybe it won't be there this time. We've never had bugs in our soup. Its impossible. PATRON : No, it's still there. WAITER : Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead, this might cure the problem. PATRON : Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. WAITER : Did you consider the capacity of the bowl prior to installing the soup ? PATRON : Ehh? WAITER : Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using ? PATRON : A completely ordinary soup bowl ! WAITER : Are you sure it's a restaurant approved bowl ? Does it have our sticker on it ? PATRON : It's one of your soup bowls. There are no other soup bowl suppliers in here. WAITER : Does it have a serial number ? I might need to check it for authorised use. PATRON : It's one of your standard bowls. You just brought it to me ! WAITER : Hmmm. Well it should work. No-one else has ever reported this kind of problem before. We never have this sort of problem normally. Indeed, we only set up the waiter service to reassure our customers. PATRON : Well even so there is still a fly in my soup that you served to me in your restaurant in this bowl. WAITER : Hmmm. Maybe it's a configuration problem. Have you checked the setup of all other associated accesories, such as the cruet, the napkin, the way the table cloth has been woven ? PATRON : What ? WAITER : Well, how was the bowl set up when you started out ? PATRON : Look, you brought me the soup on a large plate a few minutes ago, what's that got to do with the soup bowl set-up ? WAITER : Can you remember precisely everything you did until the exact moment you noticed the apparent fly in the soup ? PATRON : Listen, I sat down, and ordered the soup of the day. You brought it over, and there it was. WAITER : Well, we can try applying our all new Fix-pack 3 to the soup, this comprises a spider that may eat your fly; although it may also introduce other etymological infelicities along the way. Indeed it could quite possibly poison you. Allways remember to back up yuor soup before applying a fix pack ... PATRON : Arrrggghhhhh!! WAITER : OK, OK, but have you also considered upgrading to the latest soup of the day ? PATRON : Oh no! You have more than one soup of the day each day ? WAITER : Well yes, the soup of the day is changed every hour or so, just as quickly as we can add enhancements. PATRON : Allright then, what is the the day now ? WAITER : The current soup of the day is a much more advanced soup, called Tomato Soup ( copyright Microsoft, TM Microsoft, No unauthorised use of "tomato" permitted. By anyone. Ever. ). It's going to revolutionise soup as we know it. Everyone will use it. We will be greater. PATRON : Fine. OK. I'm hungry, so I'll have it. Bring me the tomato soup and the cheque. I'm running way behind schedule now. WAITER : Well, how about soup NT ? We only recommend this for hungry users. PATRON : Listen, Bill : Bug-free soup of the day. Now! (some time later) WAITER : Here you are sir, your soup and the cheque. PATRON : But this is potato soup ! WAITER : Yes, the tomato soup hasn't been perfected just yet, so we took the option permitted to us in sub-paragraph 3b of the Standard Patron Agreement that you accepted by implication when you walked through the door, and substituted "pot" for "tom". PATRON : Arrrgghh. OK. It's fine. It looks fly-free. I'll just have to have it. But I never want to come here again. WAITER : I'm sorry you feel that way sir. As the _only_ restaurant in town, we always try and please our clients; however, if we can't - then screw you, and screw your bug. Have a nice day. And the bill read : Soup of the day : .................................................$3 Upgrade to newer soup : ................................$1.99 Access to soup support : ................................. $10 Waste surcharge : .................................................$2 Management time : ..............................................$5 Additional replacement utensils : ...................$0.99 Window cleaning charge : ....................................$4 Total :.......................................................$38.55 (The cash register uses a three year old Pentium.) Management note : Apparent "Bug" feature in original soup was included for no extra charge. All further soups of the day may not be supplied with this feature enabled. Med venlig hilsen Jacob Willer Q: What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common? A: They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit! Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men? A: It has the same centerfold every month. Q: Did you hear about the girl with tits on her back? A: She wasn't much to look at but she was great to slow dance with. Q: What do balloons and virgins have in common? A: One prick and its gone. Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?" A: "Honey, I'm home." Q: What's red and has 7 dents? A: Snow White's cherry Q: How do you make paper dolls? A: Screw an old bag Q: How can you tell which is the Head nurse? A: She's the one with dirty knees Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob? A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, eggs or meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob. Q: What's the definition of a virgin? A: An ugly third grader Q: What do you call this? (Stick out tongue) A: A lesbian with a hard-on Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: "Hold onto your nuts! This ain't gonna be no ordinary blowjob." Q: What do you call a female clone? A: A clunt. Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A: A piece of ass that makes your eyes water. Q: What are the two greatest lies? A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth." Q: Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be? A: First of all you have a head but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole and you best friend is a cunt. Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q: What do you do in case of fallout? A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes. Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is ugly? A: When she's having an artificial insemination, and the syringe goes limp! Q: What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy? A: A pussy is that nice warm thing you cuddle up to at night, a cunt is what it is attached to. Q: When does a cubscout become a boyscout? A: When he eats his first brownie. Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Cause it's no big deal unless your not getting any! Q: What do they call a black man with a white penis? A: A polish coal miner who's been home for lunch. Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis? A: You can always find a girl who'll blow your paycheck for you. Q: Did you hear about the girl who gave up bowling for sex? A: The balls were lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes! Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob? A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass. Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster? A: My zipper. Q: Do you know what a guy with a big 12 inch cock has for breakfast? A: "Well let's see, this morning I had two eggs, toast, coffee..." Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? A: "Pi'tew...spit...pi'tew...spit..." Q: Why do women sky divers wear tampons? A: So they won't whistle on the way down. Q: How can you tell if a ballerina isn't wearing panties? A: When she does a split and sticks to the floor. Q: What is the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie? A: Too much violence and not enough sex. Q: What is the difference between like and love? A: Spit and swallow. Q: How do you go about screwing a 400-pound woman? A: Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat? A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. Q: What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball? A: In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot. Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A: One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush! Q: Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia? A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. Q: What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum. Q: Why do they address cars as "she"? A: Because, just like your wife, on a cold morning when you really need it, she won't turn over. Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control? A: A trip without the kids. Q: What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her? A: "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat." Q: What is the speed limit of sex? A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around! Q: Why do women like to play PacMan? A: It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter. Q: Why do men like to play Pinball? A: It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter. Q: What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant? A: Her legs. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? A: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball! Q: What's the difference between trash and a sorority girl? A: Trash sometimes gets picked up. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini? A: Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini! Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year. Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers? A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds. Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks! Q: What do soy beans and vibrators have in common? A: They're both meat substitutes. Q: Why is lite beer like making love in a canoe? A: Because they're both fuckin' close to water! Q: How can you tell which man is the most popular in a nudist colony? A: He's the one who can carry two cups of coffee and six doughnuts at the same time. Q: How come Dr. Pepper comes in a bottle? A: His wife died. Q: How come prostitutes never vote? A: They don't care who get's in. Q: What do you call a hooker with no legs? A: A "nightcrawler". Q: What did the prostitute give her daughter for her birthday? A: Everything west of Broadway. Q: What do you call a hooker's kids? A: Brothel sprouts. Q: What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer? A: A fucking know-it-all. Q: What do peanut butter and hookers have in common? A: They both spread for bread. VV VV DDDDDDD VV VV DD DD VV VV DD DD VV VV DD DD VV VV DD DD VVVV DD DD VV :: DDDDDDD :: Q: Have you heard about the Faggot Patch Dolls? A: They come with A.I.D.S. and a death certificate. Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS? A: They can't get the laboratory mice to butt fuck. Q: What's the worst part about having AIDS? A: Leaving your friends behind! Q: Why did the minister get AIDS? A: He didn't wash his organ between hims. Q: What do the initials in A.I.D.S. stand for? A: Anally Inserted Death Sentence. Q: What does GAY stand for? A: Got AIDS Yet? Q: What's dangerous & eats nuts? A: Syphilis. Q: What's the difference between love and herpes? A: Herpes lasts forever. AA NN NN IIII MM MM AA LL SSSSSS AAAA NNN NN II MMM MMM AAAA LL SS SS AA AA NNNN NN II MM MM MM AA AA LL SS AA AA NN NN NN II MM MM MM AA AA LL SSSSSS AAAAAAAA NN NNNN II MM MM AAAAAAAA LL SS AA AA NN NNN II MM MM AA AA LL SS SS AA AA NN NN IIII MM MM AA AA LLLLLLLL SSSSSS Q: What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? A: Their both looking for a tight seal. Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ? A: In his feet; if he steps on you you're fucked. Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: How do you breath through that thing? Q: What do elephants use for a tampons? A: Sheep Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? A: Beef Strokenoff Q: What is COYOTE UGLY? A: When you wake up with your arms around someone sooooooooo ugly, that you chew your arm off, rather than risk waking her up. Q: Where do they get virgin wool? A: Ugly sheep. Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm. Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they can. Q: How can you tell when an elephant's got her period? A: There's a quarter on your bedstand, and your pillow is missing. Q: What's the last thing that goes through an insect's mind when it hits the windshield at 55 mph? A: Its asshole. Q: What has a hundred balls, and fucks rabbits? A: A shotgun. Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? A: Because they have cotton balls. Q: Why do Easter Bunnies hide their eggs? A: They don't want anyone to know they've been fucking chickens. Q: What's the black stuff between an Elephant's toes? A: Slow natives. Q: Why is the camel called "the ship of the desert?" A: It's full of Arab semen. Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla? A: A Hairy Reasoner! Q: Where do you find a Turtle with no legs? A: Right where you left him. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About four drinks. Q: What's the difference between a moose and James Last's orchestra? A: On a moose, the horns are in front and the asshole is in back. Q: How are a woman and a cow patty alike? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. FFFFFFFF OOOOOO WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW LL FFFFF OO OO WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW WW LL FF OOOOOO WW WW LLLLLLLL HH HH UU UU MM MM OOOOOO RRRRRRR HH HH UU UU MMM MMM OO OO RR RR HH HH UU UU MM MM MM OO OO RR RR HHHHHHHH UU UU MM MM MM OO OO RRRRRRR HH HH UU UU MM MM OO OO RR RR HH HH UU UU MM MM OO OO RR RR HH HH UUUUUU MM MM OOOOOO RR RR Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A twenty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. Q: What's the difference between chicken and meat? A: If you beat your chicken it would die Q: Why are chickens so ugly? A: They have a pecker on their face Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with an M&M? A: A cock that won't melt in your hand. Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear? A: Because their peckers are on their face. Q: Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court? A: Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls. Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken. HH HH A NN NN DDDDDD IIII CCCCC A PPPPPP PPPPPP EEEEEE DDDDDD HH HH AAA NNN NN DD DD II CC CC AAA PP PP PP PP EE DD DD HH HH AA AA NNNN NN DD DD II CC AA AA PP PP PP PP EE DD DD HHHHHHH AA AA NN NNNN DD DD II CC AA AA PPPPPP PPPPPP EEEE DD DD HH HH AAAAAAA NN NNN DD DD II CC AAAAAAA PP PP EE DD DD HH HH AA AA NN NN DD DD II CC CC AA AA PP PP EE DD DD HH HH AA AA NN NN DDDDDD IIII CCCCC AA AA PP PP EEEEEE DDDDDD Q: What does D.A.M. stand for? A: Mothers Against Dyslexia Q: What does D.D.A.M. stand for? A: Drunk Drivers Against Mothers Q: What do you do when a female leper bats her eyes at you??? A: Catch 'em and yell "You're OUT!" Q: Why did the leper fail his driving test. A: He left his foot on the gas! Q: Why is one of Helen Keller's legs yellow? A: Because her dog is blind too. Q: Hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an auto accident? A: He's all right now! Q: What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? A: Hop in. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Who cares? He won't come anyway. Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten inch penis? A: Partially disabled. Q: What should you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bathtub? A: Throw in your laundry. Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market? A: "Evening ladies." Q: How did Helen Keller burn her cheek? A: She answered the iron. Q: How did she burn the other cheek? A: The guy called back. Q: How do you drive Helen Keller crazy? A: Lock her in a room with stucco walls. Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? A: She tried to read the waffle iron. Q: How was Helen Keller punished by her parents? A: They put Saran-wrap over the toilet Q: You know what they did to Helen when she was REALLY bad? A: Left the plunger in the toilet! Q: What did Helen Keller do when she fell off the cliff? A: She screamed her fingers off. Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate? A: One to do the work and the other to moan with. Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? A: Trying to read her own lips. Q: What was Helen Keller's dog's name? A: Huuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmth! Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad? A: They re-arranged the furniture in her room. Q: What's the most difficult thing about eating vegetables? A: Getting them out of the wheelchair. Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard. Q: Did you hear about the leper who made his living as a gigolo? A: He was doing great until business fell off. Q: Why was a time-out called in the leper hockey game? A: There was a face-off in the corner. Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope. Q: How can you tell when a leper poker game is over? A: When someone throws his hand in. Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: "Keep the tip." JJJJJ EEEEEEEE WW WW IIII SSSSSS HH HH JJ EE WW WW II SS SS HH HH JJ EE WW WW II SS HH HH JJ EEEEE WW WW II SSSSSS HHHHHHHH JJ JJ EE WW WW WW II SS HH HH JJ JJ EE WW WW WW II SS SS HH HH JJJJJ EEEEEEEE WW WW IIII SSSSSS HH HH Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you? A: Marry her. Q: What happens to a Jewish man when he walks into a wall with a full erection? A: He breaks his nose. Q: How can you tell if a dirty old man is Jewish? A: He says, "Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?" Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish porno movie? A: It called, "Debbie Does Nothing." Q: Do you know the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q: How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew? A: "Trust me". Q: How do you cure a Jewish woman of nymphomania? A: Marry her Q: What's a JAP's idea of perfect sex? A: Mutual headaches. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's definition of natural childbirth? A: No makeup. Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two Jews found the same penny. Q: Why do Jews have such big noses? A: Air is free. Q: What is a popular Jewish wine? A: "I wanna go to Miami...". Q: What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: What's the difference between JAPs and sharks? A: JAPs don't eat seemen (sea-men). Q: What's the difference between Jews and Canoes? A: Canoes tip. Q: What's the difference between Jews and pizzas? A: Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven. Q: What is a Jewish dilemma? A: Free ham. Q: Did you hear about the rabbi who did free circumcisions? A: He only took tips. Q: How can you tell when a JAP has an orgasm? A: She drops her nail file. RRRRRRR EEEEEEE LL IIII GGGGGG IIII OOOOOO UU UU SSSSSS RR RR EE LL II GG GG II OO OO UU UU SS SS RR RR EE LL II GG II OO OO UU UU SS RRRRRRR EEEEE LL II GG II OO OO UU UU SSSSSS RR RR EE LL II GG GGGG II OO OO UU UU SS RR RR EE LL II GG GG II OO OO UU UU SS SS RR RR EEEEEEE LLLLLLL IIII GGGGGG IIII OOOOOO UUUUUU SSSSSS Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all! Q: What do you call a Nun with a sex change? A: A "Transister" Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A: They both have balls just for decoration. Q: What kind of meat does the Pope eat on Fridays? A: Nun. Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands. Q: Why can't you circumcise Libyans? A: Because there's no end to those pricks. Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower? A: The nun has hope in her soul. Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with an IBM? A: A computer system that never goes down. Q: Why did God create men? A: Cucumbers don't take out the garbage. PPPPPPP OOOOOO LL IIII SSSSSS HH HH PP PP OO OO LL II SS SS HH HH PP PP OO OO LL II SS HH HH PPPPPPP OO OO LL II SSSSSS HHHHHHHH PP OO OO LL II SS HH HH PP OO OO LL II SS SS HH HH PP OOOOOO LLLLLLLL IIII SSSSSS HH HH Q: What are the two biggest lies a Polock ever tells? A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I promise not to come in your mailbox." Q: What does it say at the top of a Polish ladder? A: "STOP". Q: Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? A: A solar powered flashlight. Q: What do you do when a Polock throws a grenade at you? A: You pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What do you call a pimple on a Polacks ass? A: A brain tumor Q: What do you call a Polock with an I.Q. of 176? A: A village. Q: How do you break a Polock's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. Q: What's a Polish shishkabab? A: A flaming arrow through a garbage can. Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name. Q: How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period? A: She's only wearing 1 sock Q: What's the leading killer among Polish women? A: Toxic sock syndrome Q: How do you get a polish woman pregnant? A: Cum in her shoes and the flies do the rest. Q: Why is the average age of the Polish Army, 40? A: Because they take 'em right out of high school! Q: Did you hear how the Polish hockey team drowned? A: Spring training! Q: How do you sink a Polish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch! Q: Did you hear about the Polish carpool? A: They all meet at work. Q: Why don't they give Poles a whole hour for lunch? A: They don't want to have to retrain them. Q: What do you get when you cross a Pole and an ape. A: A retarded ape. Q: What are the three most difficult years in a Pole's life? A: Second grade. Q: What do you call a Polish paratrooper? A: Instant air pollution. Q: Hear about the guy that was half German and half Polish? A: He hated Jews but couldn't figure out why! Q: What did Hitler tell the German Army before they marched into Poland? A: "Don't shit in the streets, we're trying to starve them." Q: What do you call a Polock with a $10,000 hat? A: The Pope. Q: Why is it illegal to kill flies in Poland? A: Because that's the national bird. Q: What would happen if someone nuked Warsaw? A: It would result in $2.99 worth of damage. Q: Why are rectal thermometers illegal in Poland? A: Because they cause too much brain damage. Q: How does a Polock count? A: "1, 2, 3, another, another, another...." Q: Why did the Polish elevator operator lose his job? A: He forgot the route. Q: Did you hear that half of Poland moved to Italy? A: They raised the I.Q. of both countries! Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who broke his neck raking leaves? A: He fell out of the tree. Q: Why do Poles make such lousy lovers? A: They always wait for the swelling to go down. Q: Why does a Polock wear a hat to the toilet to take a crap? A: So that he will know which end to wipe. Q: What happened to the Polish National Library? A: Someone stole the book. Q: What is a Polish Pencil? A: A pencil with erasers on both ends. Q: How do we know there is a Polish Mafia? A: They found two men with their heads tied together and shot through the hands. Q: How do you sink a Polish battleship? A: Put it in water. Q: Why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats? A: So they can see the old Polish navy. Q: How do you keep a Polock in suspense? A: I'll tell you tomorrow. Q: Did you hear about the abortion clinics in Poland? A: There's a year-long waiting list to get in. Q: Did you hear about the Polock who locked his family in his car? A: It took him an hour to get them out with a coat hanger. Q: Why don't Polish mothers breast-feed their babies? A: It hurts too much to boil the nipples. Q: Did you hear about the Polish parachute? A: It opens on impact. Q: Did you hear about the Polish assassin who was sent to blow up a car? A: He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. Q: Why aren't there any ice cubes in Poland? A: The inventor died and took the recipe with him. Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who couldn't spell? A: Every payday he spends all night at a warehouse. BBBBBB LL AA CCCCCC KK KK SSSSSS BB BB LL AAAA CC CC KK KK SS SS BB BB LL AA AA CC KK KK SS BBBBBBB LL AA AA CC KKKK SSSSSS BB BB LL AAAAAAAA CC KK KK SS BB BB LL AA AA CC CC KK KK SS SS BBBBBBB LLLLLLLL AA AA CCCCCC KK KK SSSSSS Q: Do you know what N.A.A.C.P stands for? A: "Niggers Are Actually Colored Pollacks" Q: Do you know how break dancing got started? A: Black kids trying to steal hub caps off of moving cars. Q: Why do Blacks walk the way they do? A: Because they spent the first nine months of their lives dodging a coat hanger. Q: Why do black women eat watermelon with their panties off? A: To keep the flies off the watermelon. Q: What would you call Bo Derek if she were black? A: A "Ten of Spades" Q: Why do black guys wear high-heeled shoes? A: To keep from scraping their knuckles when they walk Q: How can you tell a black person has been shot in the head? A: By the hole in his radio Q: Did you hear that the NFL is going to use green footballs next year? A: Did you ever hear of a black dropping a watermelon? Q: Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel? A: He tried to jump 18 blacks with a steam roller. Q: What will they call the first black test tube baby? A: Janitor in a drum Q: Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes? A: Cats keep trying to cover them up Q: Why is Ray Charles smiling all the time? A: Because he doesn't know he is black. Q: How come there were no black people in the Flintstones? A: They were all apes back then. Q: Why do blacks keep chickens? A: So the kids can learn how to strut. Q: What do you call a Negro woman with braces? A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker. Q: What do they call the black Smurfs? A: Smiggers. Q: Why does Georgia have blacks while California has Earthquakes? A: California got first pick. Q: What do you get when you cross a Black and an Indian? A: A Sioux named "Boy". Q: Why don't black people make good mountain climbers? A: Their lips explode at 10,000 feet. Q: Why are black people always horny? A: You'd be horny too if your head was covered with pubic hair. Q: What's the difference between blacks and snow tires? A: Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them. Q: How do you stop a black kid from jumping on his bed? A: Glue "Velcro" to the ceiling. Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a Frenchman? A: Jacques Cousteaudian. Q: How many blacks does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how thin you slice them. Q: How come there are so few black astronauts? A: They don't like saying "Yes NASA, No NASA...". Q: Did you hear about the two black guys on "That's Incredible"? A: One had a job, and the other knew his father. Q: Why do black people smell? A: So blind people can hate 'em too. Q: Did you hear that Richard Prior and Michael Jackson are starting a new scholarship for blacks? A: It's called "The Ignited Negroes College Fund." Q: Why do black people have flat noses? A: That's where God puts his foot when he pulls their tales off. Q: How can you be sure that Adam and Eve weren't black? A: Did YOU ever try to take a rib from a black man? Q: What is tattooed under every black man's lower lip? A: "Inflate to 200 psi." Q: What did God say when he made his second black man. A: "Oops, burned another one." Q: Did you hear about the black guy who had diarrhea? A: He thought he was melting. Q: Did you hear about the new French restaurant in Harlem? A: It's called "Chez What?" Q: What's the difference between a black woman's vagina and a bowling ball? A: You could eat the bowling ball if you absolutely had to. Q: What did Kunta-Kinte say when they chopped his foot? A: "Where my toe-be?" EEEEEEEE TTTTTTTT HH HH NN NN IIII CCCCCC EE TT HH HH NNN NN II CC CC EE TT HH HH NNNN NN II CC EEEEE TT HHHHHHHH NN NN NN II CC EE TT HH HH NN NNNN II CC EE TT HH HH NN NNN II CC CC EEEEEEEE TT HH HH NN NN IIII CCCCCC Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What's the difference between Aggie cheerleaders and sheep? A: If you get lonely, you can always find a good looking sheep. Q: How does every ethnic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Q: What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home? A: A virgin. Q: Have you heard about the new Vietnamese cookbook? A: It's called 101 ways to wok your dog Q: What is the hottest item in Russian department stores? A: Underwear labeled: January, February, March, April . . . . Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? A: Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949. Q: What do Orientals use Dental Floss for? A: Blindfolds. Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts? A: Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can. Q: How do you brainwash an Italian? A: Give him an enema. Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak? A: Pig Latin! Q: What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180? A: Sicily. Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot? A: Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe? Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans like blow jobs? A: They're afraid it'll interfere with their unemployment benefits. Q: Why don't Italians have freckles? A: Because they slide off. Q: How does an Italian count his goats? A: He just counts the legs, and divides by four. Q: How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale? A: "Never fired, and only dropped once." Q: What's worse than being hijacked by the PLO? A: Being rescued by the Egyptians. Q: Why don't Arabs ever get hemorrhoids? A: Because they are such perfect assholes! Q: What is a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day! Q: How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age? A: Tell him a joke when he's young. Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Russia? A: A tourist. GGGGGG AA YY YY SSSSSS GG GG AAAA YY YY SS SS GG AA AA YYYY SS GG AA AA YY SSSSSS GG GGGG AAAAAAAA YY SS GG GG AA AA YY SS SS GGGGGG AA AA YY SSSSSS Q: What do you call a gay Indian? A: A brave fucker. Q: What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob? A: "Oral Roberts" Q: What do gays use rubbers for? A: Seal-a-meal Q: What do you call a gay dentist? A: A tooth fairy. Q: What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco? A: A fruit roll up. Q: What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar? A: He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth. Q: What do you call a Jewish Homosexual A: A Heblew Q: What's the difference between a freezer and a fag? A: A freezer doesn't fart after you pull the meat out! Q: Did you know that Rock Hudson does not have any friends or relatives? A: But he has neighbors up his ass. Q: Who is the saddest faggot in Hollywood? A: The last one to get a piece of the "Rock". Q: Did you know that Rock Hudson's insurance got cancelled? A: He got rear ended too many times. Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!". Q: Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a gay bar? A: They went outside to exchange blows. Q: What are the three things homosexuals like most? A: To eat, drink, and be Mary. Q: What's the ultimate in confusion? A: Fifteen blind lesbians at a fish market. Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco? A: With a crowbar. Q: What kind of license do lesbians need? A: A licker license. Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay? A: When he ties up the safe and blows the guard. Q: How about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? A: You add milk and they eat themselves. Q: What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant? A: Men's legs. Q: Did you hear about the new gay bar in town? A: It's called "Boys'R'Us." Q: What do you call a gay Eskimo woman? A: A Klondike. Q: Which is better, being born black or gay? A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents. Q: How do you get four gays on a bar stool? A: Turn it upside-down. Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? A: Half the congregation is kneeling. Q: Did you hear about the new Rock Hudson jeans? A: The zipper is in the back. Q: Why did Rock Hudson leave home when he was 12 years old? A: He didn't like the way he was being reared. Q: Why did he come back? A: He couldn't leave his brother's behind. GGGGGG RRRRRRR OOOOOO SSSSSS SSSSSS GG GG RR RR OO OO SS SS SS SS GG RR RR OO OO SS SS GG RRRRRRR OO OO SSSSSS SSSSSS GG GGGG RR RR OO OO SS SS GG GG RR RR OO OO SS SS SS SS GGGGGG RR RR OOOOOO SSSSSS SSSSSS Q: What's the worst part of eating hairless pussey? A: Getting the diaper off. Q: What did one fly say to the other? A: "Pardon me, is this stool taken?" Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose? A: Her ankles swell up when she farts. Q: What is the difference between cauliflower and boogers? A: Kids won't eat cauliflower. Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste. Q: Why does Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? A: He wants to go where no man has gone before. Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? A: The Captain's log. Q: What's invisible and smells like dog food? A: Old people's farts. SSSSSS HH HH UU UU TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT LL EEEEEEEE SS SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SSSSSS HHHHHHHH UU UU TT TT LL EEEEE SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SS SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SSSSSS HH HH UUUUUU TT TT LLLLLLLL EEEEEEEE Q: What does NASA stand for? A: Need Another Seven Astronauts. Q: What were Christie McAuliffe's last words? A: "What does this button do?" Q: Did you hear that Christie McAuliffe changed her subject? A: She used to teach math, but now she's history. Q: What did the bumper sticker on the wreckage of the Challenger say when they brought it up? A: "If you can read this, thank a teacher." Q: How was the space shuttle like the New England patriots? A: For 72 seconds they were both flying high. Q: Did you know that Christie McAuliffe had blue eyes? A: One blew this way...one blew that way. Q: What did Christie McAuliffe say to her husband before the launch? A: "You feed the dog, I'll feed the fish". Q: Why is Coke the official drink of NASA? A: They can't get seven up. Q: What was Christie McAuliffe going to bring back for her students? A: A blow-up poster of the shuttle. Q: Where did Christie McAuliffe spend her winter vacation? A: All over Florida. CCCCCC HH HH EEEEEEEE RRRRRRR NN NN OOOOOO BBBBBB YY YY LL CC CC HH HH EE RR RR NNN NN OO OO BB BB YY YY LL CC HH HH EE RR RR NNNN NN OO OO BB BB YYYY LL CC HHHHHHHH EEEEE RRRRRRR NN NN NN OO OO BBBBBBB YY LL CC HH HH EE RR RR NN NNNN OO OO BB BB YY LL CC CC HH HH EE RR RR NN NNN OO OO BB BB YY LL CCCCCC HH HH EEEEEEEE RR RR NN NN OOOOOO BBBBBBB YY LLLLLLLL Q: What has feathers and glows in the dark? A: Chicken Kiev. Q: What's the most popular brand of sunglasses in Sweden? A: Ray-Bans Q: Did you hear about the Chernobyl worker who grew 5 penises? A: Now his pants fit him like a glove. Q: What did a Russian mother say to her son? A: "Stop picking your noses!" Q: Have you heard about the next generation of Scandinavians? A: Blond eyes and Blue hair. EEEEEEE TTTTTTTT HH HH IIII OOOOOO PPPPPPP IIII AA NN NN SSSSSS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP PP II AAAA NNN NN SS SS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP PP II AA AA NNNN NN SS EEEEE TT HHHHHHHH II OO OO PPPPPPP II AA AA NN NN NN SSSSSS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP II AAAAAAAA NN NNNN SS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP II AA AA NN NNN SS SS EEEEEEE TT HH HH IIII OOOOOO PP IIII AA AA NN NN SSSSSS Q: How many Ethiopians can you keep in your bathtub? A: None. They keep slipping down the drain. Q: How are an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans different? A: A pair of jeans only has one fly on it. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? A: Before they could pull him out he ate three of them. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a sesame seed on his head? A: A Quarter Pounder. Q: What's the fastest animal in the world? A: An Ethiopian chicken. Q: How many Ethiopians can you fit in a VW? A: All of them. MM MM EEEEEEEE XX XX IIII CCCCCC AA NN NN SSSSSS MMM MMM EE XX XX II CC CC AAAA NNN NN SS SS MM MM MM EE XXXX II CC AA AA NNNN NN SS MM MM MM EEEEE XX II CC AA AA NN NN NN SSSSSS MM MM EE XXXX II CC AAAAAAAA NN NNNN SS MM MM EE XX XX II CC CC AA AA NN NNN SS SS MM MM EEEEEEEE XX XX IIII CCCCCC AA AA NN NN SSSSSS Q: How can you tell that a family of Pink Flamingos has moved in next door? A: By all of the plastic Mexicans in the front yard. Q: Have you heard about the Mexican 500 car race? A: The first car to start wins. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? A: I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental? A: A car thief who can't drive Q: Why don't Mexicans barbeque? A: Because the beans slip through the grill Q: What do you call a Mexican Baptism? A: Bean Dip Q: Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans? A: Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time? Q: How come the Mexican Army only used 600 Mexicans at the Alamo? A: Because they only had 2 cars. Q: Why do Mexicans have noses? A: So they have something to pick in the wintertime. Q: Why don't Mexicans have checking accounts? A: Because you can't sign a check, with a can spray paint. Q: Do you know why they don't let Mexicans in the fire department? A: Because they can't tell hose-a from hose-b! Q: Why are they using Mexicans instead of laboratory rats in experiments now? A: Mexicans breed faster and you don't get so attached to them. Q: When does a Mexican become a Spaniard? A: When he marries your daughter. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig? A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. Q: What's the name of Mexico's telephone company? A: "Taco Bell." Q: Why aren't there any swimming pools in Mexico? A: Because all the Mexicans who can swim are over here. Q: What do you call a doctor that does abortions on blacks and Mexicans? A: A "crime-stopper". Q: Why is semen white and pee yellow? A: So Mexicans can tell if they're coming or going. Q: How are Mexican children taught to put on their underwear? A: Brown in the back, yellow up front. Q: Did you hear about the lazy Mexican? A: He married a pregnant woman. Q: What do you say to a Mexican in a three piece suit? A: "Will the defendant please rise...". Q: How does God make Mexicans? A: By sandblasting blacks. Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico? A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Q: How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car? A: One if you hit 'em right. LL AA WW WW YY YY EEEEEEEE RRRRRRR SSSSSS LL AAAA WW WW YY YY EE RR RR SS SS LL AA AA WW WW YYYY EE RR RR SS LL AA AA WW WW YY EEEEE RRRRRRR SSSSSS LL AAAAAAAA WW WW WW YY EE RR RR SS LL AA AA WW WW WW YY EE RR RR SS SS LLLLLLLL AA AA WW WW YY EEEEEEEE RR RR SSSSSS Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures? A: Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points. Q: Did you hear about the scientist who was experimenting with rats? A: He switched to lawyers so he wouldn't form an emotional attachment. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman Pincher. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake, dead on the highway? A: There are skid marks in front of the snake. Q: Why don't lawyers ever get eaten by sharks? A: Professional courtesy Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning? A: Who cares? SSSSSS TTTTTTTT UU UU PPPPPPP IIII DDDDDDD SS SS TT UU UU PP PP II DD DD SS TT UU UU PP PP II DD DD SSSSSS TT UU UU PPPPPPP II DD DD SS TT UU UU PP II DD DD SS SS TT UU UU PP II DD DD SSSSSS TT UUUUUU PP IIII DDDDDDD Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison? A: A small Medium at large. Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: You drop him a line. Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal. A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar." Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker? A: The No-bell Prize. Q: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerus? A: Elephino. Q: Why couldn't the bike make it up the hill? A: Because it was "two" tired! Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly? A: Because baby ducks can't walk, hardly. Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? A: Great food, no atmosphere. Q: What happened to the butcher? A: He backed into a meat cutter and got a little behind in his work. Q: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st? A: Because they just had a 31 day March! Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: Still no eye deer. Q: What is "smore play"? A: It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!! Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: A dicktater. Q: Did you hear about the happy Roman? A: He was gladiator. Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? A: He made a spectacle of himself. Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? A: Snowballs. Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A: He heard the snowblower coming. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!" Q: What's brown and has holes in it? A: Swiss shit. Q: How do you make a kleenex dance? A: Blow a little boogie into it. Q: Why can't Gypsies have children? A: Because all the men have crystal balls. CCCCC EEEEEEE LL EEEEEEE BBBBB RRRRRR IIII TTTTTT IIII EEEEEEE SSSSS CC CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS SS CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS CC EEEE LL EEEE BBBBBB RRRRRR II TT II EEEE SSSSS CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS CC CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS SS CCCCC EEEEEEE LLLLLLL EEEEEEE BBBBBB RR RR IIII TT IIII EEEEEEE SSSSS Q: What do the L.A. Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson? A: They wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason. Q: What's Billy Jean King's latest advertising sponsor? A: Strap on Tools of America Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook Q: What's old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger? A: Fred Astair's face Q: What's green, and smells like pork? A: Kermit's finger Q: What do Billy Graham and the Houston Oilers have in common? A: They both can fill up the Astrodome, and in fifteen minutes, they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!! Q: What was John Lennon's last hit? A: The pavement. Q: How did Capt. Hook die? A: Jock itch! Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love"? A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis! Q: What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda? A: Fonda spent more time in 'Nam. Q: What did Dan Quayle say when Marilyn Quayle blew in his ear? A: Thanks for the refill, Honey! Q: Why did George Bush win the election? A: Because Barbara's picture is on the $1 bill. Q: Did you hear that Salmon Rushdie is publishing his next book? A: Its called "Buddha, you fat fuck!" Q: Why did Yoko Ono call the exterminator? A: She found a dead Beatle on her door-step! Q: Why did Maria Schriver marry Arnold Schwartzeneggar? A: They're trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy. Q: Do you know why Nancy Reagan is always on top? A: Because Ronnie only knows how to screw up. Q: You've heard of Alzheimer's Disease but do you know what Waldheimer's disease is ? A: You forget that you used to be a Nazi. Q: Did you hear what Mickey Mouse got for his 60th birthday? A: A Dan Quayle watch. Q: What's yellow, ugly and sleeps alone? A: Yoko Ono. Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles? A: Three more bullets. Q: Why can't you take a crap at a Beatles concert? A: There's no John anymore. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Prior? A: One was burned by coke, the other by Pepsi. Q: What's fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes? A: Fidel Castro. Q: What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1? A: Bo Derrick getting older. Q: What's wrinkled and smells like Ginger? A: Fred Astaire's face. Q: Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis? A: Because she swings both ways. Q: Who is Billy Jean King's latest sponsor? A: "Snap-On Tools of America." Q: Did you hear that Princess Grace was on the radio? A: ...And on the dash board, the steering wheel, etc. Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? A: Popeye almost killed him. Q: What part of Popeye doesn't rust? A: The part he dips in Olive Oyl. Q: What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand? A: Kermit's undivided attention! Q: How come Dolly Pardon has such small feet? A: Things don't grow well in the shade. Q: How can you spot Dolly Pardon's children in a crowd? A: They're the ones with the stretch marks on their lips. Q: How do you know when you're being mooned by Ronald McDonald? A: He's the one with the sesame seed buns. Q: What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the top of her coffin. Q: What did Abraham Lincoln said the morning after his wildest party? A: "I freed the what?" Q: What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh". A: Conan the Librarian. LL IIII GGGGGG HH HH TTTTTTTT LL II GG GG HH HH TT LL II GG HH HH TT LL II GG HHHHHHHH TT LL II GG GGGG HH HH TT LL II GG GG HH HH TT LLLLLLLL IIII GGGGGG HH HH TT BBBBBB UU UU LL BBBBBB SSSSSS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS SS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS BBBBBBB UU UU LL BBBBBBB SSSSSS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS SS BBBBBBB UUUUUU LLLLLLLL BBBBBBB SSSSSS Q: How many McDonalds employees does it take to change a light bulb? A: "No habla Ingles" Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: "Why don't you just let us remove the entire socket - you don't need it, and it'll just give you trouble later." Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to open the diet Pepsi, the 2nd to call daddy. Q: How many Jewish mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Oy Vey, my son doesn't love me, he has me living in the dark." Q: How many Southern Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eleven. One to change the bulb, 5 to share the experience, and five to file the environmental impact statement. Q: How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, that's a hardware problem. Q: How many Computer hardware tech's does it take to change a light bulb? A: Gotta be a software problem. A: Gee, I never saw this model before. A: Hardware tech's don't change light bulbs, they install LED's. A: Sorry, I don't have that part on the truck, we'll have to order it from the factory - It'll take 4 weeks as they're on strike. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "None of your %@$!^# business!" Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change. Q: How many people from California does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs. Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent. Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None; people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face." "He's an asshole - piss on him." "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she excplains, "I don't have any money...but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, yes...anything!!" With that, the man says, "Follow me!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "come in and close the door." She does just as he says. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does!! He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does!! He then says,"go ahead....take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says, "Well....Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.....She says .... "Hello,......mom???" Todays Blonde Joke ... ----- A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next." > A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he > glances up > and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes > she is > heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation > washes over > him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to > strike > up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to > today?" She > turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in > Chicago." > > He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the > most > gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's > going > to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward > cool, he > calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her > hair > back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to > debunk > some of the popular myths about sexuality." > > "Really", he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She > explains: > "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most > well-endowed > when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to > possess > this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best > lovers, when > actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on > average." > > "Very interesting," the man responds. > > Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm > sorry," she > says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even > know your > name." > > The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." > THE HIDDEN COSTS OF TOAST TECHNOLOGY Forwarded to us from our occasional San Francisco correspondent, Janos Gerebin, the author of this piece is currently unknown. Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster. Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice president today to hammer out the project's requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we've used since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck's goes best with a precise level of toastal browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget of $21,590 for this project and final delivery in seven weeks. I'll need one assistant designer to help with the drawing packages. This is my first chance to supervise! Well-proven technology Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all, it's a well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is almost $1.50 lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which was completed just 12 days after we started, has been servicing the employee cafeteria for a week without a single hiccup. Toastal quality exceeds projections. Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme stock sold to the Mackenzie family in the '50s. At a company-wide meeting, corporate assured us that this sale was only an investment and that nothing will change. Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toastal-timing mechanism to Ms Primrose, the new engineering auditor. The single spring and four interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me. Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run of 500 toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the engineering effort. My new assistant did a wonderful job. Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on high feel that the Acme 2000 is obsolete - something about using springs in the silicon age. I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked at using a microprocessor but figured that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toastal quality. "With a computer, our customers can load the bread the night before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast when they awaken," Bob intoned, as if reading from a script. Day 48: Chuck Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my idea of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower if we're gonna program this puppy in C," he said, while I stared fascinated at the old crumbs stuck in his wild beard. "Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is due in three months. We'll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into it, whip up some code, and ship to the end user." Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my mechanical-design abilities. Chuck convinced management that the old spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I've designed a "motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive. Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock microswitches ensure that the heaters won't come on unless users properly insert the toast. We're seeing some reliability problems due to the temperature extremes, but I'm sure we can work those out. Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-architecture, 16-bit, 3-MIPS CPU. Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a graphical user interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna need some horsepower to drive that," Chuck warned us. "I recommend a 386 with a half-meg of RAM." He went back to design Revision J of the PC board. Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've cured most of the electronics' temperature problems with a pair of fans, though management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his office all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like clockwork, his wife calls every night around midnight, sobbing. I'm worried about him and mentioned my concern to Chuck. "Wife?" he asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of those and two or three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg of RAM in here, OK?" Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing Windows CE. The auditors applauded Chuck's plan to upgrade to a Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM. There's still no functioning code, but the toaster is genuinely impressive. Four circuit boards, bundles of cables and a gigabit of hard-disk space. "This sucker has more computer power than the entire world did 20 years ago," Chuck boasted proudly. Memory-allocation bugs Day 384: Toastal quality is sub-par. The addition of two more cooling fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature but removes too much heat from the toast. I'm struggling with baffles to vector the air, but the thrust of all these fans spins the toaster around. Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We switched From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky memory-allocation bugs, for sure," Chuck told his team of 15 programmers. This approach seems like a good idea to me, because Java is platform-independent and there are rumors circulating that we're porting to a SPARCstation. Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. I mastered the temperature problems by removing all of the fans and the heating elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded to the toast. We found a thermal grease that isn't too poisonous. Our marketing people feel that the slight degradation in taste from the grease will be more than compensated for by the "toasting experience that can only come from a CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine running the latest multiplatform software." Day 610: The product shipped. It weighs 72lb and costs $325. Chuck was promoted to CEO. > > "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be > > praying, but when God talks to us we're > > schizophrenic?" > > > --Lily Tomlin > > > > > > "Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it > > makes him spit. That's why you should never date a > > baseball player." > > > --Marsha Warfield > > > > > > "What do people mean when they say the computer went > > down on me?" > > > --Marilyn Pittman > > > > > > "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think > > that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the > > Royal family?" > > > --Robin Williams > > > > > > "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her > > and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I > > sent them to her dad." > > > --Christopher Case > > > > > > "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, > > and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or > > girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two > > weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before > > they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." > > > --Bob Ettinger > > > > > >"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. > > The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. > > There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I > > have photographs of her." > > > --Ellen DeGeneres > > > > > > "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda > > > workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke > > > a > > joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for > > money." > > > --Kevin Meaney > > > > > > "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my > > suede jacket. > > > 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she > > sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there > > were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too." > > > --Jake Johansen > > > > > > "If your parents never had children, chances are you > > won't either." > > > --Dick Cavett > > > > > > "I have such poor vision I can date anybody." > > > --Garry Shandling > > > > > > "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards > > sunlight." > --Rita Rudner > > > > > > "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put > > down the video camera and come help me." > > > --Bobcat Goldthwait > > > > > > "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school > > student. At least they can find Kuwait." > > > --A. Whitney Brown > > > > > > "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll > > forget." > --Michael McShane > > > > > > "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. > > Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? > > Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is > > that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" > > > --Jon Stewart > > > > > > "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took > > her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's > > how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't > > trying to teach you how to swim.' " > --Paula Poundstone > > > > > >"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to > > line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to > > tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" > > > --Warren Hutcherson > > > > > > "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the > > way the Republicans were running the country. Which is > > turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop > > your headache." --Jack Mayberry > > > > > > "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go > > out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how > > long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are > > always locking three." > --Elayne Boosler > > > > > > "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect > > of alphabetsoup?" > > > --John Mendoza > > > > > > "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive > > for just a second." > > > --Steven Wright > > > > > > "A study in the Washington Post says that women have > > better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to > > the authors of that study: > Duh." > > > --Conan O'Brien > > > > > > "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were > > imaginary and they would only play with each other." > > > --Rita Rudner > > > > > > "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look > > so nice on the pumpkin." > > > --Winston Spear > > > > > > "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I > > was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same > > station. I actually bought a congressman." > > > --Bruce Baum > > > > > > "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's > > man's ability to use language that makes him the > > dominant species on the planet.That may be. But I > > think there's one other thing that separates us from > > animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners." > > --Jeff Stilson > > > > > > "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you > > walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." > > > --Sue Murphy > > > > > > "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every > > four Americans is suffering from some form of mental > > illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are > > okay, then it's you." > --Rita Mae Brown > > > > > > "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to > > give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me > > there." > > > --Ron Richards > > > > > > "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be > > thinking up something else." > > > --Lily Tomlin > > > > > > "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they > > always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' > > On what? On fire?" > > > --Rita Rudner > > > > > > "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died > > when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he > > told us in the letter.." > --Drew Carey > > > > > > "The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why > > advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing > > it in." > > > --Yakov Smirnoff > > > > > > "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." > > > --Bill Maher > > > > > > "Now they show you how detergents take out > > bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if > > you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstainall over it, > > maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you > > should get rid of the body before you do the wash." > > > --Jerry Seinfeld > > > > > > "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently > > three out of four people make up 75 percent of the > > population." > > > --David Letterman > > > > > > "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes > > Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." > > > --Jay Leno > > > > > > "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she \ > > said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me > > again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't > > want you, why would I want someone like you?' " > > > --Larry Miller > > > > > > "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have > > been more specific." > > > --Lily Tomlin > > > > > > "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred > > years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty > > lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife > > they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. > > Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. > > You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a > > spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " > > > --Jerry Seinfeld > > > > > > "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm > > halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my > > God....I could be eating a slow learner." > > > --Lynda Montgomery > > > > > > "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I > > don't know what to feed it." > > > --Steven Wright > > > > > > "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the > > impersonators would be dead." > > > --Johnny Carson > > > > > > "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see > > okay?" > --John Mendoza > > > > > > "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their > > minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and > > yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " > > > --Bruce Baum > > > > > > "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us > > geography." > --Paul Rodriguez > > > > > > "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the > > same effect just by standing up really fast." > > > --Johnathan Katz > > > > > > "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is > > not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips > > end." > > > --Jerry Seinfeld > > > > > > "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of > > people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime > > and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's > > go west.' " > > > --Richard Jeni > > > > > > "I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other > > night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening > > in two minutes." > > > --Steven Wright > > > > > > "And always remember the last words of my > > grandfather, who said, 'Shit! A truck!' " > > > --Emo Phillips One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time." Bill Clinton opens the curtains one morning and sees that someone has >>urinated "fuck the president" in the snow on the lawn in front of the > White House. He >>is absolutely astonished. Someone in the White House must have done >this and >>he wants to know who. The CIA/FBI etc. are called in and come back >with a >>rapport a few days later. >>Mr. President we have good news and bad news. The good news first, says >>Bill. The name of the person who urinated is All Gore. What!! All >>Gore, but he is my best friend !! What is the bad news?? The >>handwriting is Hillary's! Tre mænd sad og snakkede om gode seksuelle oplevelser. Den ene mand fortalte : - Jeg var engang i Shanghaj, og der var en pige, som først tog en skive ananas og puttede på fyren, så puttede hun flødeskum rundt og rundt, et kirsebær på toppen, og så slikkede hun det hele af til sidst. Det var fantastisk. Den anden mand sagde : Det kender jeg da en pige her i byen, der gør, og det er rigtigt, det er helt fantastisk. Tredje manden ville herefter prøve sådan en omgang, og opsøgte pigen. Da de tre mænd mødtes igen, så den tredje mand skuffet ud, og de to første spurgte ivrigt til hans oplevelse : - Hvad så, fandt du pigen ? - Jo, det gjorde han da - Puttede hun så ikke en skive ananas på ? - Jo, det gjorde hun da - Og flødeskum ? - Jo, også flødeskum - Og så et kirsebær på toppen ? - Jo - Jamen, hvad er der så i vejen ? - Det så så lækkert ud at jeg spiste hele det selv. THE WORLD's 20 SHORTEST BOOKS ------------------------------------------------ 20. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton 19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 18. Human Rights Advances in China 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Al Gore: The Wild Years 10. Everything Men Know About Women 9. Everything Women Know About Men 8. French Hospitality 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 2. The Amish Phone Directory And the number one World's Shortest Book: 1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion To ægtepar var taget på kroferie sammen. De to mænd aftalte at det kunne være sjovt at bytte koner, bare for en nat, og konerne var ganske enige....... Mændene aftalte at de næste morgen ville signalere til hinanden hvor mange gange de havde ordnet den andens kone ved at stikke kniven i smørret det tilsvarende antal gange. Da de gik op på værelset med hver især den andens kone, hyggede den ene af mændene sig gevaldigt ved tanken om at hans kone havde menstruation, en lille streg i regningen for den anden fyr, tænkte han skadefro. Næste morgen mens de spiste morgenmand sammen stak manden, hvis kone havde menstruation, triumferende kniven i smørret tre gange, og så på den anden med et grumt smil. Den anden fyr tog kniven, stak den én gang i jordbærmarmeladen - og derefter tre gange i nutella'en .................. den der ler sidst ler bedst - ja, OK jeg ved godt den er gammel, men alligevel ! This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke. One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded. "If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean." Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed. This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her. "Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing. "Why are you laughing?" she demanded. He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry." ****************************************************************** What did God say when he saw Eve swimming in the ocean? Dammit, It's gonna take me millions of years to get that smell outta those fish! ***************************************************************** A special section of the army was practicing it's camouflage skills. They were all dressed as trees and had blended themselves in with the forest. The general is driving by to inspect his hidden ranks and judge the effectiveness of the maneuver when suddenly one of the soldiers breaks the drill and starts running around the place, jumping and screaming. Finally he's apprehended and brought before the general, who asks: "Soldier, do you realize that you may have jeopardized the whole exercise by your irresponsible behavior?" The soldier explains, "Sir, I'm sorry. I did my best. I did nothing when birds came by and tried to make a nest in my arms. I endured it when a dog came by and relieved himself on my shoes. But sir, I had to get moving when two squirrels ran up my pants and decided to eat one now and save the other for winter..." ***************************************************************** Why do Italian tanks have rear view mirrors? So they can watch the battle. ***************************************************************** What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook? "Steal a chicken..." ***************************************************************** ============= ENGINEER HUMOR ============= What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005. Engineer: Pi is about 3. ******************* A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last question is asked: "How much is one plus one?" Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer. The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but I think it converges". The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one" Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." In a little town in the Wild West, an old scruffy Indian enters the trading station/drug store and asks for toilet paper. The shop keeper says: - We've got two brands. This one is Gold Brand - the best. A lot of people use this brand. - Okay, what does it cost? The shop keeper takes in the Indian's appearance and says: - Naawww, you can't afford it.. - What's the other brand you have? - This is a no name brand. Some people use it, and it's adequate. - Okay, I'll take it. About three weeks later, the Indian returns and tells the shop keeper: - I've got a name for your no name brand toilet paper. - Cool, what is it? - John Wayne. - John Wayne? Why?? - 'Cause it's rough, and it's tough, and it don't take no shit from an Indian. There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good" replied the daughter,"I only got $20 for a blow job". "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!", said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!" The Age Game, It's amazing!!! Some mathematician was really bored!!! THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS. DON'T Scroll to the bottom yet... It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!! 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. ** If you haven't had you birthday yet, add 1747. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. * * * * * see below for results * * * * RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age It really works! This is the only year it will ever work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to everyone you know. Hvad er definitionen af det jyske udtryk 'træls'? Det er når man sidder og malker sin ko og koen så begynder at sparke med benet. Så rejser man sig op og binder benet fast til en stolpe. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men så begynder koen at sparke med det andet ben. Så rejser man sig op og binder det andet ben fast til en stolpe. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men så begynder koen at vifte med halen. Så rejser man sig op og binder halen fast på ryggen af koen. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men i det samme skal man tisse. Så rejser man sig op, går om bag ved koen og begynder at hive bukserne ned. I det samme kommer konen ind... DET ER TRÆLS!!! > The American people elected a philander as President, > and the President is living up to his part! > > Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? > A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to > try it on first. > > Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? > A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. > > Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? > A: When Hillary is out of town. > > Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? > A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. > > Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? > A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. > > Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? > A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." > > Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? > A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. > > Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? > A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. > > Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that > Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? > A: A dead girlfriend. > > Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? > A: To promote offshore drilling. > > Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? > A: Swallow the leader > > Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? > A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. > > Clinton did not tell Lewinsky to lie.... > He told her not to talk with her mouth full. > > 100 WOMEN POLLED WHETHER THEY WOULD HAVE SEX WITH CLINTON > > > > 2 SAID YES > 4 SAID NO > 94 SAID NOT AGAIN > ************ > > > To blinde står på Københavns Hovedbanegård, da de skal hjem til > Esbjerg > på juleferie. Desværre har de ikke mange penge; men en af dem får > pludselig en god ide og siger: > > - Vi køber sgu' to billetter til Klampenborg. Hvis det bliver opdaget, > siger vi, at vi er > kommet til at gå ind i det forkerte tog og viser vores armbind og > blindestok. Her op til > Jul er der vel ingen, der vil nænne at sætte os af. > > Som sagt så gjort - og snart efter er vores venner på fuld fart over > Sjælland på vej mod Vestjyllands hovedby, Esbjerg. Imidlertid kommer > en > af DSB's billetkontrollører - en barmfager hårdtpumpet blondine - ind > i > kupeen og opdager hurtigt de forkerte billetter. Hun beslutter sig for > at sætte dem på en prøve for at se, om de nu også virkeligt er > blinde. Hun vipper koket den ene babs ud af blusen og gynger lidt med > den foran den ene blinde. Han fortrækker ikke en mine. Så vipper > hun den anden babs ud og gynger med dem begge lige foran den blinde's > øjne. Han rører stadig overhovedet ikke på sig. Resolut trækker hun op > i > nederdelen, hiver trusserne ned og betragter vores blinde venner > indgående ...stadig ingen reaktioner. Desperat stikker hun missen lige > op i næsen på den ene blinde, og så siger han til sin ven: > > - Jeg tror sgu', at vi er ved at være fremme i Esbjerg...! **************************************** A man walks into a bar with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits to drink it. While he is sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The bartender runs up to the man and says "Did you just see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid fucker do this time?" "He just ate the cue ball!!" "I hope it kills the dumbass" says the man. About two weeks later, the man comes back to the bar with his monkey. While he is drinking at the bar, his monkey is again out of control. The monkey finds a grape at the bar, picks it up, sticks it up his ass, and eats it. The bartender, having seen this, asks the man: "Did you just see what your sick monkey just did?" Man: "No" Bartender: "He just stuck a grape up his ass and ate it." Man: "What do you expect, after that que ball, he measures everything before he eats it...." ******************************************** HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark. None. Let the bitch do it after she's done the dishes. WHAT IS LOVE? The delusion that one woman differs from another. WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them. or Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB? After 5 years your job still sucks. WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS? So feminists couldn't breed. WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN? How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? Because they don't have bollocks. WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME? Because they're ugly and they smell. WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR? If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with dirt. WHAT 'S THE DIFFENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK? You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus. WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE? They both irritate the shite out of you. WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG? A bitch who won't do as she's told. WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS? They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick. WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN? Marriage. WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER THERMIDOR? They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR? It's Braille for "Suck Here" WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES? They want to. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMT & A ROTTWEILER? Lipstick. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER? Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing. WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS? Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up. WHAT IS A WIFE? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES? The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS? So men will talk to them WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX? They can't stand to see a man having a good time. WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD? A ten-pound note WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS? Because they deserve them. WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD? Who cares, what the fuck was she doing out of the kitchen anyway. Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the puter, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard Get a water softener. Your dog has worms Give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs, Put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant It ain't yours---get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better. A women was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After month's of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery. One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her pussy, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the ladies pussy and again she quivered. Immediately the doctor called the ladies husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarressed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall. So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.....beep......beep......, the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked "What happened, your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked on it." > Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that > crashed. > They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. > God addresses Al first. > > "Al, what do you believe in?" > > Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and > that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." > God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." > God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" > > Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I > think people should be able to make their own choices about things and > that > no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also > believe in feeling people's pain." > > God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and > it at my right." > > God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" > > Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair." > > > > "Boller fra Koberg" > > En blond servitrice kommer ind i trucker afsnittet, hvor en af > truckerne rejser sig og tager hende på babserne med orderne: > > Hva' ska' jeg si'e, boller fra Kohberg... > > Blondinen griber kvikt ungersvenden i skridtet og svarer: > > Hva' ska' jeg si'e, miniflûtes fra Hatting... > > Emne: 6 grunde til at en computer må være en kvinde > > 1: Lige så snart du har fået en er der udkommet en ny og bedre. > > 2: Kun opfinderen af den forstår dens interne logik. > > 3: Den går i baglås og er fuldstændig umulig lige så snart du laver > den mindste fejl. > > 4: Beskeden "Bad command or filename" er lige så informativ som: "Hvis > du ikke allerede er klar over hvorfor jeg er sur på dig så vil jeg > heller ikke fortælle dig det." > > 5: Lige så snart du har bundet dig til en bruger du halvdelen af din > løn på tilbehør til den. > > 6: Sproget mellem 2 computere er uforståligt for alle andre. > > Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, > the > teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven > first? > One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to > heaven > first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." > The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. > He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all > about > love." > "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little > Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this." > "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven > first?" > Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher > asked > him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I > was > walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her > feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but > fortunately Dad > was on top of her holding her down." > > > DIRTY OLD LADY! > A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 > and > feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a > newsstand > and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,"I hope > you > don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" > "About 35," was the reply. > "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. > After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker > the > same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29.? > "I am actually 47? This makes him feel really good. > While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. > She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I > was > young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand > down your > pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able > to tell your exact age." > As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her > slip > her hand down his pants. > Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." > Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" > The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." > > > > > A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get > > > enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn > > > > they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they > > > have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple > > > more during the night. The problem is during the day: the > > > fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses > > > so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he > > > decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to > > > do. > > > > > > "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take > > > your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when > > > you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot > > > into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. > > > That way you won't lose any workin' time." > > > > > > Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. > > > One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit > > > and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose. > > > > > > "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's > > > your wife?" > > > > > > "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I > > > fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then > > > we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go > > > back home." > > > > > > "So what's the problem?" > > > > > > "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of > > > Beckie since the huntin' season got started!" > > > > > > Emne: Nonner > > Der var den tid på dagen hvor nonnerne skulle bede deres bønner, men > først havde abbedisen en meddelelse. Hun stillede sig foran de 100 > nonner meget alvorlig og sagde: > "I går blev der begået stor synd her i klostret." > 99 nonner: "oh, nej". > 1 nonne: "hi, hi, hi." > "I dag fandt jeg et par underbukser fra en mand." > 99 nonner: "oh, nej". > 1 nonne: "hi, hi, hi." > " Jeg har også fundet et kondom..." > 99 nonner: "oh, nej". > 1 nonne: "hi, hi, hi." > " og det var brugt...." > 99 nonner: "oh, nej". > 1 nonne: "hi, hi, hi." > "og der var hul på det!!!!!!" > 99 nonner: "hi, hi, hi." > 1 nonne: "oh, nej". > > > > > Two questions of the day: > > 1. Why do brides wear white ? > > So they will match the fridge, stove and dishwasher. > > 2. What is the difference between a man and a battery ? > > The battery have a positive side. > > > Emne: Lady bet > THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET > A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag > of > money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the > bank > to > open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much > hemming > and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's > office > (the customer is always right!). > The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. > She > replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his > desk. > The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this > cash, > so > he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash > around. > Where did you get this money?" > The old lady replied, "I make bets." > The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" > The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your > balls are square." > "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win > that > kind of bet!" > The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" > "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not > square!" > The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of > money > involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a > witness?" > "Sure!" replied the confident president. > That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a > long > time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to > side, > again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure > that > there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would > win > the > bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady > appeared > with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer > to > the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's > balls > are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady > asked > him to drop his pants so they could all see. > The president complied. > The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she > could > feel them. > "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I > guess > you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer > was > quietly banging his head against the wall. > The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with > your > lawyer?" > She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am > today, > I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." > > > > Emne: Joke-Net > > A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. > > The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring > me > back a sample tomorrow." > > The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and > > gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. > > The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's > like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried > > with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She > tried > with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even > > tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth > out, > and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she > > tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." > > The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" > > The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't > get > the damn jar open!" > > ******************************************************************* > > One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse > slowly > drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was > followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then > 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man > following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. > > "My wife," the man replied. > > "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" > > "My dog bit her and she died", said the man. > > Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. > > The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her, and she died as > well." > > Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I > borrow your dog?" > > To which the man replied, "Get in line." > > The Realist of Politics > > This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad > says, > "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of > the > family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator > > of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take > care > of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider > > her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the > Future. > Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy > goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. > > Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to > check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. > > So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound > > asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. > > Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father > in > bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next > morning, > the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the > concept of politics now." > > The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think > politics is all about." > > The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the > Working > Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored > and > the Future is in deep shit." > > ********************************************************* > > > > Bob rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his > name > on the mailbox. While he's there, an attractive young lady wearing a > robe comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes. > > Bob smiles at her and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they > talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing > > on underneath. Poor Bob breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye > > contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, > > "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." > > He follows her into the apartment and after she closes the door she > leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs > at > him, "What would you say is my best feature?" > > The flustered, embarrassed Bob stammers, clears his throat several > times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" > > She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They are full, > don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm and has no > cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars. Why in heaven's > name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" > > Clearing his throat once again, Bob stammers: "Outside when you said > you > heard someone coming.... That was me!!!" > > ************************************************************** > > A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She > > gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he > arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close > to > hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is > full and bushy. > > "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both > hands. > > "Actually, no," he replies. > > "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running > her > hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. > > "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there > anything I can do?" > > "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues > huskily, > popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck > them > gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." > > > > > >>>> Seattle: > > > >>>> > > > >>>> When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home > > > >>>>parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained > > > >>>>for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up > > > >>>>next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman > > > >>>>said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and > > > >>>>plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. > > > >>>>The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying > that > > > >>>>it was the best laugh he'd ever had. > > > > > > >>>> Ann Arbor: > > > >>>> > > > >>>> The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked > into > > > >>>>a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun > > > >>>>and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said > he > > > >>>>couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the > > > >>>>man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available > > > >>>>for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. > > > > Betydningsfulde ting behøver ikke nødvendigvis at blive forklaret ved > hjælp af mange ord. > > ... Fadervor fylder således 56 ord > > ... De 10 Bud indeholder 297 ord > > ... Den amerikanske Uafhængighedserklæring er på 300 ord > > ... mens EU's direktiv om eksport af andeæg er på 26.911 ord > > > A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small > house. > Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a > long > > gray beard. > > I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" > > Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much > as > > lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst > Chinese > tortures known to man." > > OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as > well, > and entered the house. > > Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, > beautiful > > and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young > man > as > she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the > old > man's > warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. > > During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room > for > a > night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old > man > wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but > happy. > > He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a > large > rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: > Large > rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's > the > best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." > > He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the > boulder > out. > > As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture > 2: > Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the > rope > > that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken > bones > was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the > boulder. > > As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground > that > read, Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post. > > > An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded > by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he > says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." > > There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: > "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash > in the head of the chief standing in front of you." > > So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out > of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily > and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces. > > The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed." > > > > A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of > the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind > a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she > jumped out and > stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and > pitchfork. > > "Who are you?" he asked. > > "I'm the Devil," she responded. > > "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister." > > > STATEMENT BY MONICAL LEWINSKI > > > WASHINGTON, March 5 (Reuters) - Monica Lewinsky's lawyers, Bill > Ginsburg and Nathaniel Speights, announced yesterday that they have > worked out an immunity agreement for Lewinsky with Starr's > prosecutors. > > Following this announcement, Monica Lewinski issued the following > statement to the press countering President Clinton's firm denial: > > "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste > in my mouth, and I can't stomach it any more. I feel as if I am > getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown > up in my face. > > "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when > I > am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what > is > > coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head > on. > > "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No > one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, > that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and > fight > this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I > will not be stained by it. > > "Thank you." > > Monica Lewinsky > > Emne: A round of golf. > > A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. > First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon > catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, > as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very > attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of > the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. > > She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their > little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the > parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't > have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. > > On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and > competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the > course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull > over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls > over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation... > > The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play > together again. He's actually quite competitive and > slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a > magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight > competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he > drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. > > This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This > is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home > from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has > had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two > at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the > penthouse apartment of a city hotel. > > Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. > He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the > reason. > > "You see," she tearfully sobs,"I'm a transvestite." > > He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car > to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. > "I'm sorry," she repeats. > > "You bastard!" He screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard! > You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!" > > There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A > man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told > him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied > that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said > he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into > the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to > buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this > he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he > added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". > > The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the > manager > called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of > trouble > > earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself > out > of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where > are > you > from son?" > > The boy replied, "Canada sir". > > "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada" asked the manager. > > The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up > there." > > "My wife is from Canada!!" said the manager. > > The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?" > > Some churches are more fun than others. > Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church > bulletins: > > > 1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and > > north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both > > ends. > > > > 2. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All > > ladies giving milk, come early. > > > > 3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr. > > Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by > > the pastor. > > > > 4. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little > > mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers > > please meet with the pastor in his study. > > > > 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to > > come forward and lay an egg at the alter. > > > > 6. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". > > One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the > > congregation will join in. > > > > 7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray > > the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do > > something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of > > paper. > > > > 8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every > > kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday > > afternoon. > > > > 9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the > > church basement. Music will follow. > > > > 10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce > > the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. > > Julius Belzer. > > > > 11. Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen > > to our choir practice. > > > > 12. For those of you who have children and don't know it, > > we have a nursery downstairs. > > > > 13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church > > and community. > > > > 14. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. > > > > 15. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help. > > > A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, > multicolored hair > that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of > leather rags. > His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are > riddled > with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He > sits down in > the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares > at him for > the next ten miles. > > Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What > are you > looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you > were > young?" > > Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was > young and in > the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with > a parrot. I > thought maybe you were my son." > > Jeg var lige stået af bussen, da jeg fik oje på et virkeligt > velkonfigureret objekt, med nogle ordentlige attributter og en meget > brugervenlig grænseflade. Hun lignede ikke en, der havde gået i > cluster, > snarere en fra bad sector. > Pludselig vendte hun sig om og oprettede en forbindelse mellem vores > ojne. > Jeg stod som linket til jorden - jeg var hendes slave. Jeg spurgte, om > der > var noget jeg kunne serve hende med og hun svarede, at hun gerne ville > være > host for mig - bare OS/2, så der ingen interrupts ville være. > Min clockfrekvens steg voldsomt og jeg folte mig som en mac-mand i en > pc-konference. > Kort efter sad jeg i hendes kabinet og scannede environmentet, mens > hun > calibrerede sig til optimal ydeevne. Jeg gik over til window'et og > udenfor > var luften tyk af bugs. I karmen stod et billede af hende og hendes > mand! > Så var hun jo til multiprocessing??? > Nå, pludselig kom hun ind i stuen og jeg slog over i chat-mode. > Efter ca. 6 minutter var hun klar til en opkobling og jeg trak kablet > ud. > Hun så sporgende på det og spurgte, om det ikke var lidt lille af et > joystick at være. Jeg svarede hende, at den bare var komprimeret når > den > var inaktiv, så den skulle bare lige varm bootes lidt op. > Derefter tog jeg min virusbeskyttelse på og forte vores interfaces > sammen. > 7 timer efter kom jeg med et upload og disconnectede. Men hun ville > have > mere, så hun hev et nyt gummidyr frem og sagde, at hun var vild med > mænd, > som ville kore i protected mode. Jeg svarede, at sådan var jeg bare > installeret i den nye opgradering. > Efter endnu 7 timer måtte jeg sende en time-out pga. overflow i hendes > gate. Jeg disablede min spooler funktion og gik i dvale-mode. > Jeg vågnede pludselig til en kold bootning og kunne mærke, at jeg > trængte > til en total rekompilering. Samtidig opdagede jeg, at jeg var blevet > smidt > ud af hendes system og jeg kunne ikke komme ind igen, uanset hvor > mange > pakker jeg sendt mod alle hendes porte. Lidt skuffet besluttede jeg > mig for > at surfe videre. > Jeg forsøgte sidenhen at trace hende, men det var umuligt da hun > åbenbart > brugte dynamisk adressering. Den perfekte kvinde er den som efter et samleje forvandler sig til en pizza og en øl ! > > > En kunde kommer ind i butikken for at købe vaskepulver. > > MH : Hvad skal du vaske ? > > Kunden : Jeg skal vaske gardiner. > > MH : Så skal du vel også have Ajax vinduespuds med ? > > Kunden : Nej, det skal jeg ikke. > > MH : Jo, for når du alligevel har gardinerne nede, kan du > > lige så godt pudse vinduer. > > God ide sagde kunden, købte vinduespuds og gik. > > > > Der kan du bare se sagde MH til sælgeren. På den måde fik jeg > > solgt mere til kunden end hun regnede med, da hun kom. > > Da den næste kunde kom skulle sælgeren prøve. > > Kunden : Jeg vil gerne have en pakke hygiejnebind. > > Sælgeren : Så gerne, skal det være med vinger? > > Kunden : Nej, jeg skal jo ikke ud at flyve. > > Sælgeren : Så skal du vel have en flaske Ajax vinduespuds? > > Kunden : Nej > > Sælgeren : Jo, for når du alligevel ikke kan bolle, kan du lige > > så godt pudse vinduer. > > > > What a woman says: > Cmon...This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. > Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes > if we don't do laundry now! > > What a man hears: > C'MON....blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, > blah ON > THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, > blah, > NOW!! > > > > 50. Act naturally > > 49. Found missing > > 48. Resident alien > > 47. Advanced BASIC > > 46. Genuine imitation > > 45. Airline Food > > 44. Good grief > > 43. Same difference > > 42. Almost exactly > > 41. Government organization > > 40. Sanitary landfill > > 39. Alone together > > 38. Legally drunk > > 37. Silent scream > > 36. American history > > 35. Living dead > > 34. Small crowd > > 33. Business ethics > > 32. Soft rock > > 31. Butt Head > > 30. Military Intelligence > > 29. Software documentation > > 28. New York culture > > 27. New classic > > 26. Sweet sorrow > > 25. Childproof > > 24. "Now, then ..." > > 23. Synthetic natural gas > > 22. Christian Scientists > > 21. Passive aggression > > 20. Taped live > > 19.Clearly misunderstood > > 18. Peace force > > 17. Extinct Life > > 16. Temporary tax increase > > 15. Computer jock > > 14. Plastic glasses > > 13. Terribly pleased > > 12. Computer security > > 11. Political science > > 10. Tight slacks > > 9. Definite maybe > > 8. Pretty ugly > > 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake > > 6. Diet ice cream > > 5. Rap music > > 4. Working vacation > > 3. Exact estimate > > 2. Religious tolerance > > > Og nummer 1 på ranglisten over selvmodsigelser ! > > > 1. Microsoft Works > > THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. > THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. > IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. > IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE > AT > THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS > WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, > FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN > AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND > ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND > LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING > SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN > FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE > SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER > SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING > SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING > LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY > HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, > HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A > DAY, BUT OFTEN (SADLY) MUCH LESS. > WHAT AM I??????? > > > AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS > NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.......... > > > > > > > > > .....TOOTHBRUSH......... > > what were you thinking? > > > hej jan har du hørt den om prinserne over i england. > de er gået under jorden. > det var deres mor tur til at havde dem. > > > Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of > > female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men > > 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, > > talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and > > couldn't drive. No further testing is planned. > > Der var engang en negerlandsby, som i flere år havde haft en misionær > boende. > > Negerhøvdingen lagde mærke til, at flere og flere af de børn som blev > født, > var betænkeligt "blege" og ikke kulsorte som de ellers burde være. > Høvdingen havde sine anelser om hvorledes dette hang sammen, og > indkaldte > missionæren til afhøring. > Foreholdt kendsgerningerne, og direkte spurgt om det var ham der havde > haft > en "finger" med i spillet, svarede han utilpas: > "Som den høje høvding nok ved, er guds veje uransagelige.". "Tænk bare > på > fårene på marken, de er normalt hvide, men engang imellem fødes der et > sort > lam" > > Høvdingen tyggede lidt på den. og sagde så -synligt rystet: > > Hvis missionæren behager at glemme det med fårene - så skal jeg glemme > de > blege børn!. > > > Write in C ("Let it Be") > ------------------------ > > When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to > me, > Speaking words of wisdom: > "Write in C." > > As the deadline fast approaches, > And bugs are all that I can see, > Somewhere, someone whispers: > "Write in C." > > Write in C, Write in C, > Write in C, oh, Write in C. > LOGO's dead and buried, > Write in C. > > I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, > For science it worked flawlessly. > Try using it for graphics! > Write in C. > > If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon > you > will > be > glad to > Write in C. > > Write in C, Write in C, > Write in C, yeah, Write in C. > BASIC's not the answer. > Write in C. > > Write in C, Write in C > Write in C, oh, Write in C. > Pascal won't quite cut it. > Write in C. > > ========================= > > Something > --------- > > Something in the way it fails, > Defies the algorithm's logic! > Something in the way it coredumps... I don't want to leave it now I'll > fix > this > problem somehow > > Somewhere in the memory I know, > A pointer's got to be corrupted. > Stepping in the debugger will show me... I don't want to leave it now > I'm too > close to leave it now > > You're asking me can this code go? > I don't know, I don't know... > What sequence causes it to blow? > I don't know, I don't know... > > Something in the initializing code? > And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will > show > me... > I > don't want to leave it now > I'll fix this tonight I vow! > > ========================= > > Yesterday > --------- > > Yesterday, > All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone > away. > Oh I believe in yesterday. > > Suddenly, > There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone > hanging > over me > The system crashed so suddenly. > > I pushed something wrong > What it was I could not say. > > Now all my data's gone > and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. > > Yesterday, > The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here > to > stay, > Now I believe in yesterday. > > Opfindelsen af køkkenvinduet, så kvinden opdagede at der fandtes en > verden udenfor. > > Hvorfor er lesbiske kvinder , blege og buttede??? > De får for lidt jern og for meget slik! > > > Hvorfor hedder min søster "Blomstrende Valmuemark"? spurgte > indianerdrengen sin far. > > Fordi det skete på en valmuemark, svarede faren. > > Og hvorfor hedder min lillebror "Smukke Måne"? > > Fordi det skete under nattens smukke måne. Men hvorfor bliver du ved > med at spørge om det, Hullede Gummi? > > Lørdagstærte med banan. > > Ingredienser > > 2 stk. smilende øjne > 2 stk. bløde arme > 2 stk. velformede ben > 2 stk. faste mælkebeholdere > 1 stk. bageform foret med pels > > Tilberedning > > 1 - Se dybt i de smilende øjne. > 2 - Spred de velformede ben. > 3 - Klem forsigtigt mælkebeholderne, masser disse til bageformen er > velsmurt. > 4 - Tilsæt bananen og før den forsigtigt frem og tilbage til den er > godt > indsmurt. > 5 - Dekorer med creme. > 6 - Tærten er færdig når bananen er blød > > Husk. > Rengør redskaberne godt efter brug, de skal forhåbentlig snart bruges > igen. > PS: Hvis tærten imod forventning begynder at hæve, så forsvind > hurtigst > muligt fra byen. > > > Motionscenteret > En mand kom til motionscentret: Kan De kombinere god motion med lidt > sjov ? Ja - gå op på 1. sal, første dør på højre hånd. En ganske pæn > brunette bød ham velkommen. Hvis du kan fange mig må du..... Manden > kom tilbage næste dag. Kan jeg få endnu mere motion idag ? Sagtens- > prøv 2. sal, første dør på højre hånd. En væver lille blondine havde > stillet op til lidt forhindringsløb. Hvis du kan fange mig....... > Manden vendte begejstret tilbage den 3. dag. Idag vil jeg gerne have > rigtig meget motion - hvad skal jeg gøre ? Prøv 3. sal, første dør på > højre hånd. En fed neger sad og legede med sin store pik - hvis jeg > kan fange dig. > > Hjælpemidler > En rejsende i sexuelle hjælpemidler sidder i en togkupe', og prøver at > lave orden i sin kuffert med vareprøver. Overfor ham sidder der en > dame, der knap kan styre sin nysgerrighed, han skubber kufferten over > mod hende, idet han siger: Alle disse ting er gratis vareprøver, så du > må selv udvælge 1, som du må få gratis. Damen overvejer længe, så > siger hun, idet hun rækker ud for at tage den, jeg tror, jeg tager den > lange blanke. Den rejsende smækker hende over fingrene, idet han > siger: Jeg sagde en vareprøve! Min thermoflaske holder du dig fra!! > > Det var engang i det vilde vesten.. > Det var engang i det vilde vesten.. Den ensomme cowboy red ensomt > gennem ørkenen, og ligepludselig hopper der en kaktus-fe op af en af > kaktusserne, og siger: "Du må få tre ønsker opfyldt!" Det synes > cowboyen godt om, og han starter med at sige: "For det første... så > skal jeg være udødelig!" Fint, det er ordnet siger kaktusfeen. "Og for > det andet, så skal min hest også være udødelig!" "Fint det er ordnet, > siger ønskefeen" "Og for det tredje, Så skal jeg ha' en ligeså stor en > som min hest!!" hvisker cowboyen til sidst. "Fint så er det ordnet, og > fortsat god dag" Med disse ord fløj kaktusfeen væk. Med disse nye > egenskaber, red cowboyen lynhurtigt ind på den nærmeste saloon. Han > smækker døren op og hopper op på bardisken, og siger: "OK røvhuller > skyd mig" Alle de barske cowbys trækker dermed sine revolvere, og > skyder løs på cowboyen. Han rejser sig op igen, der bliver helt > stille. Bagefter, stiller han sin hest op, og der sker præcist det > samme. "Men hvis i troede at det var noget så se lige her." Han lyner > langsomt op, og en uhyggelig stilhed lå over lokalet. Lidt efter, så > sagde en af de andre: "Ja det er æddermaneme den største kusse jeg > nogensinde har set!!! > > > Det var Jensen der sad i kantinen på sit arbejde, da der bliver kaldt > fra kontoret - "Jensen du skal skynde dig på hospitalet, din kone > skal føde !" > Den næste dag da han kommer på arbejde igen råber alle kollegaerne > "Drengebajer - Drengebajer !". "Det blev ikke en dreng", svarer > Jensen. "Pigebajer - pigebajer !" råber de så. "Det blev heller ikke > en > pige - det blev en dødfødt...". >   > "Kvajebajer - kvajebajer!"... >   > > > > A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy > saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," > his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do > without honey for a week." > Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was > a butterfly," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping > him you will do without butter for a week." > The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate > his plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from > under the stove. His mother stomped it. > The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or > should I?" > > ------------- > After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the > brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. > The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would > like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a > bottle > from theshelf and gives it to him. > The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the > world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives > him > one. > The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky > Mountain > spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from > Tuborg sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little > taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery > presidents > look over at him and ask: "Why aren't you drinking a Tuborg?" and the > Tuborg president replies: "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, > neither will I." > > Are you a man? > > > >X-Authentication-Warning: hercules.dknet.dk: sbs owned process doing > -bs > >Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 09:00:44 +0100 (MET) > >From: Sten Bæk Sørensen > >X-Sender: sbs@hercules.dknet.dk > >To: Nørdernes Himmel > >Subject: Are you a Gentleman? (sex quiz for men) (fwd) > >Organization: DKnet A/S > > > >>HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN.... > >> ----------------------------------------------- > >> > >> 1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to > as: > >> a) Lovemaking > >> b) Screwing > >> c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town > >> > >> 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only > after you've > >> both shared: > >> a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual > relationship > >> b) Your blood-test results > >> c) Five tequila slammers > >> > >> 3. You time your orgasm so that: > >> a) Your partner climaxes first > >> b) You both climax simultaneously > >> c) You don't miss SportsCenter > >> > >> 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: > >> a) Healthy, creative love-play > >> b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever > agree to > >> c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find > out > about > >> > >> 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had > sex > with is: > >> a) The best part of the experience > >> b) The second best part of the experience > >> c) $100 extra > >> > >> 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in > the last > >> month. You tell her that it is: > >> a) No concern of yours > >> b) Not a problem - she can join your gym > >> c) A conservative estimate > >> > >> 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: > >> a) A myth > >> b) An oxymoron > >> c) A moron > >> > >> 8. Foreplay is to sex as: > >> a) Appetiser is to entree > >> b) Priming is to painting > >> c) A queue is to an amusement park ride > >> > >> 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself > saying at > >> the end of a relationship? > >> a) "I hope we can still be friends." > >> b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the > tone...." > >> c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." > >> > >> 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: > >> a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope > with > that sort > >> of intimacy > >> b) Is uptight and a waste of time > >> c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first > place > >> > >> > >> If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make > sure > you > >> really are a man. > >> > >> If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, > you're > still a > >> little confused. > >> > >> If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go > drinking! > > > Lille Per kom brasende ind i sine forældres soveværelse midt om > natten, hvor forældrene var godt i gang. > > - Hvad laver I ? spørger drengen > - Vi laver en lillesøster til dig, svarer faderen > - Kan du så ikke vende mor om, for jeg vil hellere have en hundehvalp > ? > > > A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude > > standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and > > says, "7 feet 2 inches tall, 375 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left > > testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." > > > > The small guy faints, dead away! > > > > The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his > > face > > and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" > > > > The small guy says, "Excuse me, but would you please repeat that? > > > > The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet 2 inches tall, 375 pounds, > > 20 > > inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner > > Brown." > > > > The small guy says, "Oh, thank God! I am so embarrassed, I thought > you > > said 'Turn around!"  > > > > > A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a > > relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to > > their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. > The > > man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." > > So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On > > the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband > > with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little > honey-woney > > fall on her little nosey- wosey?" > > The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate > > sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is returning to her > > bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on > > her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the > > floor and says "Clumsy bitch." > > > Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the weapon-inspections in > Iraq. > As he sits down he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of the chair of > Saddam. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks:' why are > there > three buttons in your arm-rest?' 'You'll see' replies Saddam. > They start the talks, but after 10 minutes Saddam presses the 1st > button, > and 'WHACK' a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face, Clinton grabs his > nose, > while Saddam is laughing himself silly. Clinton remains calm because > he > doesn't want this to affect the talks.  After another 10 minutes, > Saddam > presses the 2nd button and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the > stomach. > While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from > laughing. Clinton gets annoyed by now, but still remains outwardly > calm. > They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final > button, > and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in > the > groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. > 'We'll > continue this talk next week in the White House' says the President. > Saddam, > choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment > stands. > A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam > sits > down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair. As the > meeting goes on, Saddam sees that Clinton presses the first button, > and > ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop > Clinton > from laughing...really loud.  After this, Clinton continues where he > left > off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quick, and > jumps > up.  Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of > his > chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is happening > here? > But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. > After > a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam > stays > sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's is rolling on the floor, doubled up > from > laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his > chair > and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" > (Through > tears of laughter from the floor) > "Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"  > > >From THE WEEKLY UNIX NEWSPAPER > London, February 16-20, 1998 > Issue Number 667 > On Friday the 24th, I was watching the NASA Channel on cable TV to > see how the experiments and Shuttle crew were doing. The men on > board needed to send some adjusting instructions to the automated > setups doing experiments in the cargo bay, and they were using a > laptop to do the sending. As some of you may have heard, there was > a "computer problem" on board as reported by CNN. The dialog > between the crew and the Johnson Space Center (JSC) went something > like this: > Crew: Urgent, Johnson, we can't get a DOS prompt! > JSC: Press "C:". > Crew: Heck, we're not familiar with all this. > JSC: What screen are you looking at? > Crew: It says "My Computer", and, er, various other icons. > JSC: Click on "Start", and then "Shutdown". > Crew: You click the "Start" button to shut down? > JSC: Yeah. Isn't it obvious? > Crew: Somebody get me an aspirin. > JSC: Just hit the damn "Start" button. > Crew: We can't do that. It didn't load a mouse. > JSC: Didn't load any mouse at all? > Crew: Well, yeah, a PS/2 or something. But we don't have one of > those. > JSC: Okay. Press Alt + Esc. > Crew: And what does that do? > JSC: It should help. > Crew: Negative. > JSC: Stand by, will attempt to replicate the problem down here. > Crew: Roger. > > JSC: Okay then. Double-click on the MS-DOS icon. > Crew: I don't have a mouse. > JSC: Go to the backup plan. > Crew: Which is what? > JSC: Dock with the Russians. They have a Unix workstation you can > borrow. > > TOP 11 REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A MALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN > 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. > > 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. > > 9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think > it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. > > 8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a > phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.* > > 7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any > real work done. > > 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit > information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still > think > that's the > only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly > for > fun. > 5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. > > 4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more > difficult to think coherently. > > 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its > actual size and influence warrant. > > 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into > a lot of trouble. > > And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive > organ: > > 1. If you play with it too much, you go blind. > > A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. > These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot > of > testing and background checks involved before you can even be > considered > for the position. After sending some applicants through the background > checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down > to 3 > men, but > only one position was available. > > The day came for the final test to see which man would get the > extremely > secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the > men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you > will > follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they > explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a > chair. > Take > this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and > said > "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!". > "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for > this job then." > > >So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. > "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the > circumstances", > They explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife > sitting In a chair. Take this gun and kill her." > > The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun > < and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the > door > > opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I > tried to > > shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I > guess > I'm not > > the right man for the job." > > "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your > > wife and go the hell home." > > > > Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to > > the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must > be > sure > > that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, > this > is > > your final test.Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. > Take > < this gun and kill her." > > The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door > even > > closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One > > shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the > room. > They > > heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for > several > > minutes, then all went quiet. > > The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. > < He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me > > the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death > with > the chair!" > > > A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. > > > > On his orientation tour he noticed a old, seedy looking camel tied > out > > back > > of the > > enlisted men's barracks. > > > > He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" > > > > The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a way from anywhere, and the > men > > have > > natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." > > > > The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's > > all > > right with me." > > > > After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain > couldn't > > stand it anymore, so he told the Sergeant," > > > > BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!!" > > The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the > Captain's > > quarters. > > > > The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with > > the > > camel. > > As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his > > pants > > he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" > > The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride > into > > town." > > > How Hot Is It In Hell - A True Story... > > A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his > graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives > off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a > proof." > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law > (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or > some variant. > > One student, however, wrote the following: > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, > we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the > rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a > soul > gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As > for how > many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions > that > exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you > are > not a > member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more > than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more > than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to > Hell. > > With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of > souls in Hell to increase exponentially. > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because > Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in > Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are > added. > This gives two possibilities: > > #1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which > souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will > increase until all Hell breaks loose. > > #2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase > of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop > until > Hell freezes over. > > So which is it? > > If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during > my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep > with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not > succeeded > in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so > Hell is exothermic. > > The student got the only A. > > ==================================================== > > > > > A woman was visiting her gynecologist who was very horney. He tells > her to > undress and lie down on the table. Then he takes her wrist and says, > "Do > you know what I'm doing?" "Yeah, you're checking, my pulse" she says. > Then > he grabs her breast and starts rubbing it "Do you know what I'm > doing?" he > asks. "Yeah, you're checking for lumps," she replies. Then he pulls > down > his pants and climbs on top of her and starts to have sex with her. > "Do you > know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes-you're catching what I came > here > to get rid of" > > I det følgende skal vi prøve at skabe og eventuelt udvikle vores > intellektuelle kapacitet. Vi søger således at nærme os svarene på > livets store spørgsmål. Så er du bange for at bevidstgøre din > intelligensmæssige kapacitetsbegrænsning overfor såvel dig selv som > dine omgivelser, skal du ikke læse videre, stop.......NU! > Følgende endnu ubesvarede spørgsmål er efter grundig evaluering > prioriteret som de vigtigste at få besvaret - såfremt den menneskelige > race på sigt skal overleve. Af de fravalgte gåder, kan nævnes: Hvordan > helbredes AIDS, er vi alene i universet og hvordan modvirker vi den > globale opvarmning. De vigtigste spørgsmål er følgende: > a.. Hvis man kvæler en smølf, hvad farve bliver den så i hovedet? > b.. Hvorfor bar kamikaze-piloter flyverhjelm? > c.. Hvis du har været halvdød af skræk 2 gange, hvad sker der så? > d.. Er dyre-shampoo testet på mennesker? > e.. Bliver fisk nogensinde tørstige? > f.. Hvordan smider man en affaldscontainer væk? > g.. Hvorfor har crouton'er en sidste salgsdato? > h.. Hvis teflon sikrer, at ingenting hænger fast, hvordan får man så > teflon'et til at hænge fast i panden? > i.. Hvis en benzinstation har døgnåbent alle årets dage, hvorfor har > den så lås på døren? > j.. Burde krematorier give rabat til brandofre? > k.. Er der et andet ord for synonym? > l.. Opfinder man nogensinde en soldrevet lommelygte? > m..Må amfibiedyr vente med at gå på land indtil en time efter, at de > har spist? > n.. Krymper bomuldsmarker efter regnvejr? > o.. Synes kyllinger, at gummi-mennesker er sjove? > > > A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. > > "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. > > "I want 6 shots of Jägermeister," responded the young man. > > "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" > > "Yeah, - my first blowjob." > > "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." > > "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, > nothing > > will." > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > ----------------------------------------------- > > > > A female journalist goes to Kuwait to do a report on women's > equality > > and > > is stunned to see that the women walk 5 metres behind the men at all > > times. After the Gulf War she decides to go back to follow up on her > > report, and see if anything has changed during the conflict. > > > > When she gets there she is astouned to see that the men now walk 5 > > metres > > behind the women! > > > > "Wow", she says to one of the women, "How did such a social reversal > > take > > place?" > > > > "Oh that's easy", replied the woman, "land mines." > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > ----------------------------------------------- > > > > Some Gangsters think of robbing a bank. They think of the best plan > > that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are > > able to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes. They open > > the > > first safe and the only thing they find in there is a vanilla > pudding. > > The Head Gangster says " OK! At least we can eat it." So they eat > the > > pudding. > > > > They open up the second Safe and there stays another pudding. So > > they devoured it too. This process goes on for the rest of the day > > until > > all the safes were opened. There was no money nor jewelry. "Well," > > they > > say, "at least there is something for us to eat". > > > > The Next day, on the news they heard: "Yesterday the biggest sperm > > bank in the USA was robbed...." > > > Kaere Karl-Einar, > > Jeg skriver langsomt, fordi jeg ved du ikke kan laese saa hurtigt. > > Vi bor ikke laengere hvor vi boede da du tog hjemmefra. Din far > laeste i avisen, at de fleste ulykker sker indenfor 30 km fra hjemmet, > saa > vi flyttede. Jeg kan ikke give dig adressen, da den familie, som boede > her tidligere tog husnummeret med sig, saa de ikke behoevede at > aendre deres adresse. > > Stedet er rigtigt dejligt. Der er endda en vaskemaskine. Jeg tror > ikke den virker ordentligt. Sidste uge puttede jeg en bunke toej i og > trak i snoren, og jeg har ikke set toejet siden. > > Vejret er ikke slemt. Det regnede kun to gange sidste uge. Foerste > gang i tre dage, anden gang i fire dage. > > Frakken du gerne ville have tilsendt, mente din tante ville vaere > lidt for tung at poste med knapperne paa, saa vi skar dem af og > puttede > dem i dine lommer. > > Vi fik endnu en regning fra kirkegaarden. De siger, at hvis vi ikke > betaler det sidste afdrag paa bedstefars gravsted, kommer han op. > > Onkel Svend-Bent laaste sine noegler inde i sin splinternye > station-wagon igaar. Vi var meget bekymrede, for det var en meget > varm dag og det tog ham to timer at faa Gurli-Magrethe og boernene ud. > > Din soester fik en baby i morges. Jeg ved endnu ikke hvad køn den er, > saa jeg ved ikke om du er blevet onkel eller tante. > > Onkel Emanuel faldt i den store braendevinstoende. Nogle maend > proevede at redde ham op, men han slog dem vaek og druknede. Vi > kremerede ham, som han altid har oensket. Han braendte i tre dage. > > Tre af dine venner koerte i havnen i en pick-up forleden. En koerte, > mens de to andre stod bag paa. Ham der koerte rullede vinduet ned og > svoemmede i sikkerhed, men de to bagpaa druknede fordi de ikke kunne > faa aabnet bagklappen. > > Der er ikke meget mere at fortaelle, der er ikke sket saa meget. > > Kaerlig hilsen > Mor > > PS. Jeg taenkte paa at sende dig nogle penge, men da var konvolutten > allerede forseglet. > > Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. > This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a > contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their > computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up > the screen, for several hours straight. > > Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning > strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is > restored, and God announces that the contest is over. > > He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly > upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went > out." > > "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." > > Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, > the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. > > Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, > yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" > > God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves." > > Meget kloge ord i brydningstider. > > Vær opmærksom på dine tanker før de bliver til ord. > Vær opmærksom på dine ord, før de bliver til handlinger. > Vær opmærksom på dine handlinger, før de bliver til dine vaner. > Vær opmærksom på dine vaner, før de bliver til din karakter. > Vær opmærksom på din karakter før den bliver din skæbne. > > > > ---------- > Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen > each other since graduation. > They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. > The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. > And finally gets around to their sex lives. > > Sue says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big > adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since > we got into S&M." > > Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you > would go for that." Oh, sure," says Sally, "he snores while I > masturbate." > > > > her før week-enden: > > > - Hvad er ulempen ved pædofili? > - Man skal meget tidligt i seng. > > - Hvad kalder man en kvinde der har mistet al hjernekapacitet? > - Enke > > -Hvad siger en blondine, når hun har nået karrierens højdepunkt? > -Sonofon, godaften. > > Hvorfor smiler Stevie Wonder? > -Han ved ikke at han er neger. > > - Er du helt sikker ? > - Helt sikker. > - Kun en idiot er helt sikker. > - Er du sikker ? > - Helt sikker... > > Hvorfor har Århus ikke noget ishockeyhold?? - De druknede under > sommertræningen! > > Og så var det blondinen, der var så dum, at hun dumpede til urinprøven > > Hvorfor spillede Elton John da lady Di blev begravet. > Crash Test Dummies kunne ikke komme. > > Hvad kalder man kinesiske rockere?....Gulerødder! > > -Nej, sagde den ene fisk til den anden. jeg låner ikke min kam ud til > nogen > med skæl. > > To bøsser sad i et badekar. > Den ene spørger : "Er sæben oppe i din ende ?" > > Det var 2 døvstumme der stod og snakkede, så fortalte den ene sådan en > god > vits, at den anden brækkede fingerne. > > Hvad kalder man et egerns bagende? - En nødudgang. > > Hvordan standser man et skænderi mellem to døvstumme? - Slukker > lyset... > > Hvad er fordelen ved at være senil? - Man møder nye mennesker hver > dag. > > Hvordan kan man se om ens kæreste er død? > Hun boller som hun plejer, men opvasken bliver større og større > > Hvordan ved man om en blondine er liderlig? > Når man stikker hånden ned i hendes trusser, og det føles som en hest > der > gumler havre. > > Velbekomme > > > Hvorfor er der kun eet monopoltilsyn ? > Hvorfor danser balletdansere på tæerne, Ville det ikke være nemmere at > ansætte nogle højere dansere ? > Hvis en person med personlighedsspaltning truer med at tage livet af > sig, > er det så en gidselsituation ? > Er det en succes, hvis en bog om fiasko ikke sælger godt ? > Hvad ville der stå på skiltemalernes skilte, hvis de strejkede ? > Hvis man forsøger at bevise Murphy's lov, vil det så gå galt ? > Hvorfor er ordet "forkortelse" så langt ? > Hvis majsolie kommer fra majs, hvor kommer babyolie så fra ? > Hvorfor desinficerer de nålen, inden en dødsdømt får sin sprøjte ? > Krymper bomuldsmarker efter regnvejr ? > Opfinder man nogensinde en soldrevet lommelygte ? > Er der et andet ord for synonym ? > Hvordan smider man en affaldscontainer væk ? > Bliver fisk nogensinde tørstige ? > Er dyre-shampoo testet på mennesker ? > Hvis du har været halvdød af skræk 2 gange, hvad sker der så ? > Hvorfor bar kamikaze-piloter flyverhjelm ? > Hvis man kvæler en smølf, hvad farve bliver den så i hovedet ? > > VM'S TI BUD > > 1. Kom TV i hu, at du holder det helligt. > > 2. Der må ikke tales til husherren under kampene, men > gerne > lyttes til hans sagkyndige kommentarer - altså hold > kæft og > lyt. > > 3.Senest et kvarter før kampens start skal småbørn, der > ikke > har forstand på fodbold samt husdyr være affodret og > lagt > til ro. > > 4. Senest 5 minutter før kampens start skal der være > serveret mindst 3 kolde pilsnere eller drinks - de > skiftes > ud i pausen. > > 5. Du må ikke begære din husherre under kampene. > > 6.Du må ej heller gå udfordrende klædt eller på anden > måde > søge at forstyrre eller lede ham i fristelse til at > tage > øjene fra skærmen. > > 7. Familie- og vennebesøg modtages kun, hvis de > pågældende > vil se fodbold - svigermorbesøg er bandlyst. > > 8. Du må ikke forlade huset under transmissionerne, da > husherren i særlige tilfælde kan få brug for ekstra > forplejning, såsom ved straffespark eller omkamp. > > 9. Al mad serveres senest en halv time før kampene. > Omtale > af andet end fodbold er forbudt under spisningen. > > 10. Skulle Danmark helt uventet tabe en enkelt kamp, > skal > alle i huset bære sort armbind og færdes i total > stilhed, > indtil næst sejr er hjemme. > > > > > > > Jesus og Moses var blevet lidt sentimentale og sad og pralede af alt > det, de > kunne dengang de levede på jorden. Der gik pral i det, og de blev > enige om at > tage tilbage til jorden for at se, om de stadig kunne deres tricks. >   > Først tog de til Det Røde Hav, og sandelig; Moses skilte vandene. De > gik frem > og tilbage, og derefter lukkede Moses hullet igen. >   > Så var det Jesus' tur. De tog til Genezerath Sø, roede ud i en jolle, > og > Jesus forsøgte at gå på vandet. Han sank dog omgående i, og da Moses > havde > fået hevet ham ombord igen, sagde han: >   > - Nåeh, det gik jo ikke så godt. >   > - Nææh, sagde Jesus, men nu skal du jo lige tænke på, at sidste gang > jeg > gjorde det, havde jeg ikke huller i fødderne ! > > > Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. > > He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks > when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" > > Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. > > "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. > > The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he > looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in > thecage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said > Jesus is watching me?" > > "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and > asked the parrot: "What's your name?""Clarence," said the bird. > > "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot > named you Clarence?" > > The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." > > En dame skulle giftes og hun var på polterabend med veninderne. De tog > ind på den lokale bar hvor hun mødte en fyr. "Hva' skal vi ikke gå > hjem > til mig for at hygge os?" spørger han hende om. > "Nej jeg skal giftes i morgen", svarede hun. Han fylder lidt mere øl > og > vin på hende og spørger hende igen "Hva' skal vi ikke gå hjem til mig > for at hygge os?" spørger han hende om. > "Nej jeg skal giftes i morgen" svarede hun. > Lidt mere øl og vin, og tredje gang lykkens gang ville hun gerne med > hjem, dog skulle han bruge kondom. Hvor fanden finder man et kondom > midt > om natten? tænker han. Nu er gode råd dyre, men han går ud i køkkenet > og > åbner køleskabet. Her ligger der en spegepølse med skind. Han klemmer > spegepølsen ud af skindet og bruger skindet som kondom. Klokken er > blevet mange og hun skal i kirken for at blive gift, men midt i > forviringen taber han skindet inde i hende. De glemmer alt om hinanden > og hun bliver gift. > På bryllupsnatten efter hendes nye mand har fået hvad han skal, falder > skindet ud af hende. Han samler det op og spørger hende "Hvad er > dette?" > Da han ikke er særlig klog siger hun "Øh..det er min mødom". > Han svarer "Nåh..så var det godt at vi blev gift. Sidst salgsdato > udløber i morgen!" > > > A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple > of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog > so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He > circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel > and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening > in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the > fifth floor > > Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, > where am I?" > > The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot > executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing > on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the > engine coughs and dies from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask > the pilot how he did it. > > "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a > simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely > useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from > there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees." > > > Det skete ved gruppeterapien. Lige i midten sad psykiateren med hele > sin > flok af stakkels seksuelt frustrerede klienter. > - Lad os så snakke åbent om det, sagde den kloge mand. Vi kan jo > begynde > med en ganske simpel prøve...Altså: Alle, der har samleje mere end 4 > gange > om ugen rækker hånden i vejret. Tre glade, smilende og helt afslappede > fyre > rakte poterne i vejret. > - Nu de af jer, der har sex 1 gang om ugen? > Tolv mænd rakte næverne op. > - Og denne gang de stakler, der kun får noget på den lille frække en > gang om > måneden? > Stille og tøvende kom 3 mand op med hænderne. > - Til sidst er der lige dem, der simpelthen må nøjes med et enkelt > knald om > året, hvis der skulle være sådanne blandt os, sagde psykiateren. > Op sprang en lille mand med et jubelskrig og klappede i hænderne. > - Det er der faktisk ikke slet ikke noget at være så begejstret for, > min > gode > herre, sagde psykiateren, og det er netop det, vi skal tale om. > - De tager helt fejl, doktor, jeg synes det er helt skønt! > - Og hvordan vil De så forklare det? > - Det er jo i aften, mand! skreg den lille herre med tårer i øjnene. > > > Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for > a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he > has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. > > > Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her > parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is > outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner > tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a > fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, > but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." > > > Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. > Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is > saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs > his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in > front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her > dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back > down, but no one says a word. > > > A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and > does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad > is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there > is complete silence > at the table. > > > All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to > rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his > jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father > backs away from the table and screams, > > > "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES! > > > [ICL Helpdesk] er mig. > > [Narrøv] Det er kunden. > > > > > [ICL Helpdesk] Helpdesk goddag...... de taler med Flemming > > [Narrøv] Goddag jeg er lige kommet hjem med min nye PC og der er ingen > [Narrøv] lyd på den. > > [ICL Helpdesk] Det var ikke så godt, lad os tage et skridt af gangen. > [ICL Helpdesk] For det første er der et lydkort i deres PC. > > [Narrøv] Jaja det er en multimedie PC og jeg har givet over 15000 for > [Narrøv] og der er ingen lyd på den. > > [ICL Helpdesk] Javel, har de tilsluttet højtalerne til PC'en. ?? > [ICL Helpdesk] Bag på deres PC er der en udgang hvor der står line > [ICL Helpdesk] out. > > [Narrøv] Jaja det ved jeg godt. Jeg har tilsluttet højtalerne til den > [Narrøv] udgang. Jeg syntes godt nok at det er for dårligt jeg har > [Narrøv] givet over 15000 kr for den PC. > > [ICL Helpdesk] Okay, har de tændt for højtalerne. > > [Narrøv] Tændt. ?????????? > > [ICL Helpdesk] Ja der burde følge en strømforsyning med til > [ICL Helpdesk] højtalerne, den skal tilsluttes til henholdsvis > [ICL Helpdesk] en stikkontakt og så den ene højtaler. > > [Narrøv] Nååååå, det er det den er til, det var nemlig det andet jeg > [Narrøv] gerne ville spørge om. Jeg kunne nemlig ikke finde nogen > [Narrøv] indgang bag på PC'en hvortil denne strømforsyning passede. > [Narrøv]lige et øjeblik > > [Narrøv] rode, rode fumle fumle. > > ligepludselig banker lyden ud stuen narrøven har sat PC'en > til at afspille en musik CD og da han sætter strøm til højtalerne er > der skruet helt op for dem. > > [Narrøv] øøøeh det ser vist ud til at det virker nu. Mange tak for > [Narrøv] hjælpen. > > [ICL Helpdesk] Det var så lidt. Farvel igen. > > > BS EDB Bruger Service > HIB Håbløs Intetvidende Bruger > > BS > Hallo! Goddag. Det er EDB Bruger Service. > > HIB > Goddag, mit navn er Hibmayer. Jeg har et problem med min computer. > > BS > Hvad er problemet, Hr. Hibmayer? > > HIB > Der mangler en tast på mit tastatur. > > BS > Hvilken tast? > > HIB > Det ANIKI-tastan. > > BS > Hvad skal den tast bruges til? > > HIB > Det ved jeg ikke. > > BS > Ja, men - hvordan ved De at der mangler en tast? > > HIB > Programmet forlanger det. > > BS > Forlanger hvad? > > HIB > At jeg skal trykke på ANIKI-tasten! > > BS > Åhh!.... Hvad er det for et program? > > HIB > Det ved jeg slet ikke, men programmet vil ha', at jeg trykker på > ANIKI-tasten. Jeg har prøvet at trykke på "Skrive med > Store-Bogstaver-tasten" og på Ins-tasten, men der sker ikke noget, og > man vil jo ikke ødelægge noget, sååååååå...... > > BS > Hvad står der på skærmen, Hr. Hibmayer? > > HIB > Der står en blomstervase. > > BS > Nej, ikke ovenpå skærmen, men på selve skærmen. > > HIB > Nåe - Der står------ NEC. > > BS > Nej, Hr. Hibmayer, hvilken besked står der i vinduet? > > HIB > Et øjeblik, jeg går lige over og kigger. > > BS > Hr.Hibmayer.........Hr. Hibmayer........... Hallo!....... > Halloooooo....... > > HIB > Der er ikke nogen besked i nogle af mine vinduer. > > BS > Hr. Hibmayer, hør nu her - De må ikke gå. Se på glasskærmen foran Dem > og læs højt, hvad der står. > > HIB > Nåe! Du mener...... åh undskyld, ja! Der står "PLIS PRES ANIKI". > > BS > Åååh! De mener "ANY KEY". Computeren giver jo besked på engelsk! > > HIB > Nej, ikke min, når min siger noget, så dytter den bare! > > BS > Prøv at trykke på ENTER-tasten. > > HIB > Ja! OK - JAAAAAH, Nu virker det. Dét er altså ANIKI-tasten. Det ku' de > jo bare ha' skrevet på den! Tusind tak for hjælpen. > > BS > ......... Ingen årsag, Hr. Hibmayer,.......... Ingen årsag. Farvel. > > HIB > Farvel. > > Emne: Bumper Sticker Quotes > > * Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway > * Forget the Whales. Save the Cowboy > * I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You. > * Old Skiers Never Die. They Just Go Downhill. > * Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch > * My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips > * If You Love Jesus Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk > * Black Holes Suck > * This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random > * Don't steal. The government hates the competition. > * Barney is more insidious than Dianetics! > * Very Funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes > * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies > * I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. > * The gene pool could use a little chlorine. > * We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. > * The sex was so good that even the neighbors has a cigarette. > * Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! > * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. > * I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. > * He who laughs last thinks slowest! > * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. > * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. > * More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed. > * A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. > * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. > * There's too much blood in my caffeine system. > * I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. > * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. > * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. > * I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over it. > * What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? > * Assassins do it from behind. > * If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. > * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. > * I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. > * Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. > * I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. > * Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. > * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. > * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? > * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. > * Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. > * Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal. > * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a > vegetarian. > * Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot > * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? > * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. > * Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools. > * According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. > * Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. > * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. > * Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear. > * 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. > * Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? > * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? > * Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!"... Till you can > find a rock. > * I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with > sub-atomic particles. > * Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog....Dorothy > * Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. > * Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass. > * I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. > * Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. > * I love cats...they taste just like chicken > * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. > * Cover me. I'm changing lanes. > * As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools > * Happiness is a belt-fed weapon > * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. > * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep > * Montana --- At least our cows are sane! > * It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. > * When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the > IRS. > * Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips." > * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. > * Wink, I'll do the rest! > * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. > * Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? > * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! > * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. > * i souport publik edekasion > * We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. > * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. > * 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. > * Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? > * I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. > * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. > * When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. > * Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. > * Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. > * I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. > * He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. > * She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. > * You have the right to remain silent. > Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. > * I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. > * Honk if you love peace and quiet. > * Pardon my driving, I am reloading. > * Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so > popular? > * Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. > * A day without sun shine is like, you know, night. > * Save the whales. Collect the whole set. > * Atheism is a non-prophet organization. > * On the other hand, youhave different fingers. > * Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. > * I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. > Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. > * Why doesn't Batman have a Batbeeper? > * Horn broken. Watch for finger. > * All generalizations are false. > * I brake for no apparent reason. > * I'm not as think as you drunk I am. > * Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. > * Born free...Taxed to death. > * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. > * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. > * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. > * Work is for people who don't know how to fish. > * If you don't like the news, go out and make some. > * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. > * No radio - Already stolen. > * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. > * Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. > * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. > * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. > * Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? > * How can I miss you if you won't go away? > * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... > > > A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both > > cars > > are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. > > After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a > man, > > that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. > > There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a > > sign > > from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in > peace > > the > > rest of our days." > > The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign > > from > > God! > > The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My > > car is > > completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't > > break. > > Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good > > fortune." > > Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in > > agreement, > > opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it > > back to > > the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back > > on, > > and hands it back to the man. > > The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" > > The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..." > > > > The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin > Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. > "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to > challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical > spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." > The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club > in > his hand. > "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the > leader > of Israel?" > "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, > "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a > devout > Catholic. > We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin > Netanyahu as your personal representative. > In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the > match." > Everyone agreed it was a good idea. > The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. > The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform > the > Pope of the result. > "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the > world-class golfer. > "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. > "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've > played > some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I > have > ever played, by far. > I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my > irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. > With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad > news?" > the Pope asked. > Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes." > > > > 1.Hvorfor er mænd så vilde med kvinder i lak og læder?? > > - Fordi de lugter af ny bil...!!!!! > > > 2.Hvad kan man konstatere, hvis en mand åbner bildøren for sin kone? > > - At enten er konen ny eller også er bilen..... > > A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight > breaks > out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the > hospital. > Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, > though, the > doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to > have > triplets -- but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit > no > vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets > naturally." > The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but > forgotten the incident in the bank. One day, the first child, a > daughter, > comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened > -- I > was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." > The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that > everything is okay. A few weeks later, the second child, also a > daughter, > comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just > happened." The > mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The > mother > goes on to tell the daughter the story. > Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and > says, > "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him > and > says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom -- I was > masturbating and shot the dog!" > > Der findes en teori om, hvem der skabte kvinden. > Gud kan det i hvert fald ikke være. > > - Næææh, det gjorde Teknisk Forvaltning! > - Hvem ellers kan finde på at placere en forlystelsespark klods op af > et > kloakafløb...???? > > > En meget træt kvinde kommer ind til lægen og beklager sig over sin > mand. > Grunden er at han prutter kolonormt i søvne, når de ligger i sengen om > natten, og hun kan ikke tage det længere. > Lægen ordinerer noget medicin til manden, og kvinden går hjem. En uge > efter > kommer hun tilbage og fortæller at medicinen ikke har hjulpet. Hun får > noget > nyt og går hjem igen. Endnu en uge går og kvinden kommer atter en > gang, mere > sortrandet under øjnene end før og fortæller at hun mistror manden for > ikke > at tage medicinen da han egentlig godt kan lide at prutte. Lægen siger > til > hende at hun skal tage nogle kyllingetarme og når så manden prutter > allermest skal hun liste dem ned i hans underbukser...det skal nok > give ham > en forskrækkelse. > Som sagt så gjort. Om natten efter mandens hidtil største prut, > propper hun > forsigtigt de blodige tarme ned i synderens underbukser. Manden ligger > og > småprutter lidt, men pludselig slår han øjnene vidt op, og styrter ud > på > badeværelset. Konen ligger og småfniser lidt, men lidt efter kommer > manden > med et kæmpegrin: "Der var det sgu lige ved at gå galt, men med guds > hjælp > og de her 2 fingre, fik jeg proppet det hele på plads....." > > > 1. <<...>> En skambidt overlæbe er bedre end en overbidt skamlæbe > 2. <<...>> Ferie er; at lave ingenting og have hele dagen til det > 3. <<...>> Spædbørn er naturens måde at vise os på, hvordan verden ser > ud kl. to om natten. > 4. <<...>> Hvis solen skinner fra en skyfri himmel efter 2 kolde dage > med regnvejr, er det sikkert mandag. > 5. <<...>> Myg er som småbørn, i samme øjeblik de holder op med at > støje, ved man, at de er ved at lave ulykker. > 6. <<...>> Mænd er ligeglade med hvad der er i fjernsynet. De er kun > interesseret i hvad der ellers er i fjernsynet. > 7. <<...>> Uanset hvor gammel du er, er du yngre, end du nogensinde > bliver igen. > 8. <<...>> Det er bedre med 1 ryk i bananen end 10 bananer på ryggen. > > Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated with Yawning", describing 4 patients who, while taking the the anti-depressant drug Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the unusual side effect of spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned. The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3 months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred within 10 days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on using the drug, since she had observed that every time she yawned she had an orgasm, and she was able to experience orgasm by deliberate yawning. Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while he found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing, he elected to continue the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he obtained. The awkwardness and embarrassment were overcome by continuously wearing a condom." _________________________________________ A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this" This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid", said the man. The woman says "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house. The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I thought was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then 2 gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But we don't have a pool." A long pause and the man says, "Is this 832-4821?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of > Psychiatry entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated > with Yawning", describing 4 patients who, while taking the the > anti-depressant drug Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the > unusual side effect of spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned. The > first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3 > months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred > within 10 days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on > using the drug, since she had observed that every time she yawned she > had an orgasm, and she was able to experience orgasm by deliberate > yawning. > Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while > he found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing, he elected > to continue the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he > obtained. The awkwardness and embarrassment were overcome by > continuously wearing a condom." > _________________________________________ > A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who > is this" This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a > maid", said the man. The woman says "I was hired this morning by the > lady of the house. > The man says, "Well, this is her husband. > Is she there?" The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom > with someone who I thought was her husband." > The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to > make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The man > tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the > witch and the jerk she's with." > The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then 2 gun > shots. > The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The > man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." > Puzzled, the maid answers, "But we don't have a pool." > A long pause and the man says, "Is this 832-4821?" > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > ---- > > > > Har fået fingre i gårsdagens udgave af Nigerias største avis. > > Et kort uddrag: > > Mbwala okuko ij Laudrup gwala Nigeria 4-1 > Ebbi kwandi oki lelepa binfi oout. Biri Biri kwungo wopo klala > Livingstone > wempa wempa. > Webba Moeller hutilihut ekeke kipketer bedebe 1-0 bonga bonga. Lilele > mbwala 2-0 > Laudrup kakate inolo - kepepa wamba oho oho oho.... > > Og slutter med: > > Belle belle wamamba keke gogola Bosse Bosse. > > > Og så skulle den kamp vist være dækket.... > > > > Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One guy gets > detained > in the clubhouse, so the other three head for the first tee, and began > talking about their children. > > "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the building > industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own construction > and > design firm. He's so successful, in fact, in the last year he was able > to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." > > The second man, not to be outdone, states, "My son began his career as > a > car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so > successful, > in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as > a > gift." > > The third man chimes in. "My son worked his way up in a stock > brokerage > firm, and in the last few weeks gave a good friend a large stock > portfolio as a gift." > > The fourth man finally arrives at the first tee, and the first man > tells > him they have been discussing their progeny, and asks what line of > work > his son is in. > > "To tell the truth, I am not very pleased with how my son has turned > out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and > I've > just recently discovered that he's a homosexual. But, on the bright > side, he must be very good at what he does because his last three > boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile > of > stock certificates." > > > > > > There was this guy who went into a bar with a monkey. The > bartender > > > was > > > talking to the guy while his monkey went over to the pool table > and > > > started playing with the poolballs. The next thing they knew, the > > > monkey > > > was eating the pool balls. > > > > > > The bartender asked the guy why his monkey was eating the pool > > balls. > > > The guy replied that he eats anything and everything - and there > was > > > > > nothing he could do to stop it. > > > > > > Well, a few days later, the guy came back into the bar with his > > > monkey. > > > This time the monkey stayed at the bar with the guy. While the > > > bartender > > > and the guy were talking, the monkey was picking up peanuts, > > sticking > > > them up his butt and then eating them. The bartender asked why the > > > > monkey was doing this. > > > > > > The guy replied, "After those pool balls the other day, he sizes > > > everything before he eats it." > > > < CUT - START > > > Other News > ----- Woo, Microsoft's Little Scheme > Is Sprung! > Andrew Clark, our "sorta a news reporter" guy > has sent us in another really > interesting article. This guy has worked out how to > beat the new Microsoft security > system. * Andrew Clark = smart ass :o) * Here's the > email I received from the > champion today. > > Hey, got some more Other News for you! Ya > remember how i sent you a > message about Win98 a while back? I said that > they have got some new > method of piracy! Well guess what! After a > small conference with my > 'contacts' (hehe, i like using that word)', > there is a very simple and damn > effective way around it. Firstly avoid any > internet contact at the start. Then, > after installing it (installation time took > over an hr on a Pentium MMX 200, > not too different for a Pentium II 266), > delete any cookies in IE! Thats it! > What happens is a cookie is sent to Microscum > displaying registration info > including serial numbers and, get this, an > image of your HDD!! While this is > illegal, it is still done! Of course Microscum > cannot do anything about this, > Geez, Billy sucks! Note: This is what i have > been told...my contacts are > reliable. > > > Eh? Ey? :o) Good stuff huh! Simple once you read > it, but to think of all that, for > the less computer iliterate of us, that's > like...woah *brain...ow...* > > < CUT - END > > > Det var den unge svend som endelig have fået en læreplads i en > grøntsags- > forretning. > Han var blevet valgt fordi han var rimelig kvik - især i replikken. > Han havde arbejdet i forretningen i ca. 1 uges tid, da en herre kommer > ind og > bestiller en HALV grapefrugt. > Knægten studser lidt, og siger så: > - Lige et øjeblik ! >   > Herefter går han ud i baglokalet til sin mester. > - Du mester - der er en idiot der vil gerne have en HALV grapefrugt !! > >   > Hvad lærlingen ikke havde set var, at kunden var gået med ud i > baglokalet. > Da mester kigger over skulderen på lærlingen, fatter han mistanke, > vender > sig om og ser kunden, hvorpå han udbryder: > - Ja - og den herre her vil gerne have den anden halvdel !! >   > Da kunden lidt efter er gået, står mester og lærling og snakker lidt > sammen. >   > MESTER: - Du har da ellers et kvikt hoved - det kunne da være du > skulle tage til > USA - og blive til noget stort derovre ! >   > LÆRLING: - USA - der kommer da ikke andet en ludere og > basketballspillere derovre > fra.. nej tak ! >   > MESTER: - Nååhh.... min kone kommer da ellers fra USA ! >   > LÆRLING: - Nå hvilket hold spiller hun på ?? > > > > > There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting > > together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. > > > > Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style > > train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely > > dark. > > > > Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud > slap. > > When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the > > Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman > > had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. > > > > The Frenchman was thinking: The English fella must have kissed > Claudia > > Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead. > > > > Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to > > kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it. > > > > And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the > > train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap > that > > French bastard again. > > > > > >Once upon a time, a man decided to vacation on a cruise ship > >in the Caribbean. It was wonderful--the experience of his > >life! He was waited upon hand and foot. But, alas, it did > >not last. A hurricane came up suddenly and the ship went > >down. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the > >shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be > >seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. > > > >The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, > >but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to > >make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate > >bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea > >mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. > > > >One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and > >looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of > >his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around > >the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most > >gorgeous woman he had ever seen . . . or at least, within the > >past four months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond > >hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal > >quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and > >yelling and screaming to get her attention), and she rowed her > >boat towards him. > > > >In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did > >you get here?" > > > >She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I > >landed on this island when my cruise ship sank." > > > >"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. > >How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? > >You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with > >you." > > > >"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, > >nothing else did." > > > >"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" > > > >"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the > >island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum > >tree branches, and I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and > >the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." > > > >"But, but...," stuttered the man, "what about tools and > >hardware, how did you do that?" > > > >"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of > >the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock > >exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature > >in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used > >that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware." > > > >"But, enough of that," she said, "where do you live?" At > >last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping > >on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. > >So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. > > The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the > >approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a > >beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and > >around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow > >painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I > >call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" > > > >"No thanks," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I > >will puke." > > > >"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied. "I have a > >still; how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued > >amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to > >talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, > >the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" > > > >"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, > >even on the cruise ship". > > > >"Well if you would like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in > >the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning > >anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a > >razor made from a bone handle, with two shells honed to a > >hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel > >mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down > >stairs. > > > >"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and > >slip into something more comfortable." The man settled in to > >wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, > >the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves > >and smelling faintly of gardenia. > > > >"Tell me something," she said, "We have both been out here > >for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I > >mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you > >really miss? Something that all men and woman need? > >Something that it would be really nice to have right now?" > > > >"Yes there is," the man replied, moving closer to the woman > >while fixing her with a long, intense gaze. > > > >"Tell me... Do you happen to have an internet connection?" > > > > > A true story ... > > THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE > > AGE DRINK > > 17 beer > > 25 beer > > 35 vodka > > 48 double vodka > > 66 Maalox > > > > SEDUCTION LINE > > 17 My parents are away for the weekend. > > 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. > > 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. > > 48 My wife is away for the weekend. > > 66 My second wife is dead. > > > > FAVORITE SPORT > > 17 sex > > 25 sex > > 35 sex > > 48 sex > > 66 napping > > > > DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE > > 17 "tongue" > > 25 "breakfast" > > 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." > > 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." > > 66 "Got home alive." > > > > FAVORITE FANTASY > > 17 getting to third > > 25 airplane sex > > 35 menage a trois > > 48 taking the company public > > 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave > > > > HOUSE PET > > 17 roaches > > 25 stoned-out college roommate > > 35 Irish setter > > 48 children from his first marriage > > 66 Barbi > > > > WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? > > 17 25 > > 25 35 > > 35 48 > > 48 66 > > 66 17 > > > > IDEAL DATE > > 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in > > 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" > > 35 "Just come over." > > 48 "Just come over and cook." > > 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas. > > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > > THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE > > AGE DRINK > > 17 Wine Coolers > > 25 White wine > > 35 Red wine > > 48 Dom Perignon > > 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser > > > > EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES > > 17 Need to wash my hair > > 25 Need to wash and condition my hair > > 35 Need to color my hair > > 48 Need to have Francois color my hair > > 66 Need to have Francois color my wig > > > > FAVORITE SPORT > > 17 shopping > > 25 shopping > > 35 shopping > > 48 shopping > > 66 shopping > > > > DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE > > 17 "Burger King" > > 25 "Free meal" > > 35 "A diamond" > > 48 "A bigger diamond" > > 66 "Home Alone" > > > > FAVORITE FANTASY > > 17 tall, dark and handsome > > 25 tall, dark and handsome with money > > 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain > > 48 a man with hair > > 66 a man > > > > HOUSE PET > > 17 Muffy the cat > > 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat > > 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat > > 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat > > 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the > Cat > > > > WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? > > 17 17 > > 25 25 > > 35 35 > > 48 48 > > 66 66 > > > > IDEAL DATE > > 17 He offers to pay > > 25 He pays > > 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning > > 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids > > 66 He can chew breakfast > > Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse > Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything > absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, > I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. > She gave > him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" > > The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this > week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried > to give him 24 > enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" > > Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down > the hall, the hear: "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just > realized I told > Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" > > Apples for Sale > A farmer was driving down the road one day and seen a sign that said > Apples $10.00 a dozen, so he pulled in and asked the man what was so > special about his apples? The man replied,they taste like peanut > butter and jam! So the farmer asked if he could taste one, the man > said yes so the farmer took a bit and said i can taste the peanut > butter but not the jam. The man said well turn it around. So the > farmer bought a dozen. He drove down the road a little further and > seen another sign Apples $25.00 a dozen so he had to check out this > guy too. He asked the same questions as above and the man replied > that these ones taste like crackers and cheese. So he asked to taste > one and he did and he said i can taste the crackers but not the > cheese, well replied the man turn it around. So, he bought a dozen of > those ones too. He got down the road further and seen another sign > that said Apples $50.00 a dozen, so in he went and asked the same > questions and before and the man replied that the apples taste like > pussy! The farmer asked to taste one and received permission and he > said "This tastes like shit" the man replied Well turn it around. > > ----------------------------------------------------------- > > > A Little Nature Story > There's a lake in the woods and a fly is flying over the water. > There's a fish in the water, and he thinks, if the fly drops two > inches, I can jump out of the water and eat the fly. There's also a > bear beside the river and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the > fish will jump out of the water, and I can eat the fish. > There's a hunter in the woods and he thinks, if that fly drops two > inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the > fish, and I can shoot the bear. There's a mouse behind the hunter, > and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out > the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the > bear, and the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and > cheese sandwich fall out ofhis pocket. There's a cat watching the > mouse, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will > jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will > shoot the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and > cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket, and I can eat the mouse. > So this is what happens: the fly drops two inches, the fish jumps for > the fly, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the > recoil from the hunter's gun knocks the ham and cheese sandwich out of > his pocket, the mouse goes after the sandwich, the cat goes after the > mouse, slips, and falls into the water. The moral of the story? It > takes a lot of foreplay to get a pussy wet. > > Golf er religion > The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin > Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. > "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to > challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical > spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." > The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club > in > his hand. > "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the > leader > of Israel?" > "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, > "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a > devout > Catholic. > We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin > Netanyahu as your personal representative. > In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the > match." > Everyone agreed it was a good idea. > The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. > The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform > the > Pope of the result. > "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the > world-class golfer. > "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. > "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've > played > some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I > have > ever played, by far. > I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my > irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. > With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad > news?" > the Pope asked. > Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes." > > > This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself" These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out? he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practising homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." Her er så en lille én til de morgenkvikke: A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling -Gama Su! Gama Su!-. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su!, Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years I`ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to suprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?" The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!" ----------------------------- A duck walks into a chemist shop, walks up to the counter and says to the assistant, "Got any Duck food?" With this the assistant replies, "No, we don't sell Duck food we are a Chemist, we sell medicine." So the Duck turns around and walks out. The next day the Duck returns to the Chemist and walks up to the assistant and asks the same question. The assistant reacts angrily and shouts, "WE DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD, WE ARE A CHEMIST, AND IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW I WILL NAIL YOUR FEET TO FLOOR AND PLUCK OUT ALL OF YOUR FEATHERS." So the Duck turned around and walked out. The next day the Duck again walks into the Chemist and up to the same assistant who glares at him angrily and says "Got any Nails?" The assistant shouts "NO WE HAVEN'T" So the Duck says "Got any Duck food?" Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.' The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.' The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.' The fourth one said, 'I like to operate on lawyers; they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.' Fifth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...' --- Two rednecks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds and yee hawin' like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months!! "TWO MONTHS?!' cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one redneck. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!!" --- A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving". The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's house. "Hey Batman", he says."Wanna' go out tonight?" "No I can't", replies Batman. The Batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime". "You loser", says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me", he says. "I'd love to, but I can't", replies Spiderman, "My web is broken and I gotta' fix it to fight crime". Superman all disgusted says, "You loser. Stay home on a Friday night and fix your damn web". So he flies away. While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread Eagle. Superman thinks, "Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and fly back out and she won't even feel it." Superman flies down, does his lightning fast deed and flies back out at the speed of light. Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?" The Invisible man says, "I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell." Becoming an Evil Overlord... It seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've heard about invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present... Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord... My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones that can hide the enemy. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. Shooting is not too good for my enemies and should be done ASAP. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say "No" and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my master plan will be carried out. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless --my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out the attacking leader among his army. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?'', I will reply "This.'' and kill the advisor. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well," and kill her. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals -- The flames will be constant! I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the death ray. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering ar ound a corner. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive -- unless he resists." If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to at least 1.45Mb in size so that it won't conveniently fit on a single diskette. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access and, of course, free e-mail! A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"! --- Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two week?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks" the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." Stated the pastor. "That's OK." Said the young man, "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either. --- "Good morning, class. Before we begin today's lecture, I should like to discover how well ye have been tracking the previous material. Miss MacMaster, will ye stand?" {She stands.} "Can you tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10 times its normal size when it is excited?" {She stammers, reddens, says nothing.} "You may sit down. Mr. Campbell, may ye answer that question?" "It is the pupil of the eye, sir." "Very good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not done your homework, two, you have a dirty mind, and three, you're in for a big disappointment." --- A college girl walks into the student health office and says to the doctor, "I have a rash on my chest and I need something to get rid of it." she lifts up her shirt and there's this big red "M" on her chest. The doctor says, "how did you get that?" She says, "My boyfriend goes to Michigan and he likes to make love with his sweater on." He says, "OK, whatever," and gives her a prescription. The next day, another girl comes in with the same thing. She has a big red "M" on her chest. The doctor says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to Michigan and he likes to make love with his sweater on." She says, "No, he goes to Minnesota." He says, "Ok, whatever," and gives her a prescription. The third day, another girl comes in... same thing. She has a big red "M" on her chest. The doctor says, "Let me guess, your boyfriend either goes to Michigan or Minnesota and he likes to make love with his sweater on." She says, "No, my boyfriend goes to Wisconsin." This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job. The owner tells him that he doesn't need any help. The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he'll give him a job. A few minutes later a customer comes in."Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?" The guy says,"I need some grass seed." So the owner goes and gets it.When he gets back he says, "How about a lawn mower to gowith this." "What do I need a lawnmower for?" "Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with.""Yea, OK, I'll take a lawnmower too." After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, "That's how it's done. Can you do that?" The kid said, "Sure."So the next customer comes in and says, "I need someTampax." The kid says, "Yes sir.", and goes after them.When he gets back he says, "Would you like a lawnmower to go with that?" The guy says, "What the hell do I need a lawnmower for?" The kid replies, "You might as well cut the grass. Your weekend is shot, that's for sure....." --- A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible! The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!" --- The Last 10 things any Woman would say 10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way too big. 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again. The Last 10 things any Man would say 10. I think The Village People are some cool motherfuckers. 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her breasts are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody. 4. Maybe I could do the dishes tonight. 3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions. --- Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: _ / \ | | O \ _ / and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......" --- Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm havin trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem stems from the fact that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There is really nothing I can do for you, unless you are willing to undergo an experimental treatment." Sadly, Jack asks, "What is the treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "We are currently working on a procedure in which we remove the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently and then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much. Let's go for it." A few weeks after the successful operation, Jack was given the green light to use his new and improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend, and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner Jack felt a stirring between his legs, which continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack unbuttoned his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was at first stunned, but then with a sly smile said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" Jack replied with eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass." --- Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." --- A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy,and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- - Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said,"Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- - Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngestdaughter walks in. Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter lookspuzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.That's how you get a baby, honey. Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewelry, dear. Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First >Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt and BROWN PANTS!" ----- An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!" --- A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother the bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass is killing me, and dad's runnin' around the house yellin' "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." --- As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path, rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver shouted at them, "You could have been killed!!" The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes!" --- A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day. One day, upon entering the house, he hears awful racket coming from behind his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter on her bed "intimately" involved with a large, studded vibrator. Before he can say a word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have, so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing the door behind him. A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school, enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???!!" The father says, "Oh, just sitting here, having a beer with my Son-in-law." --- In the days when Hillary Clinton was trying to reform the American health care system she decided she needed a tour of a D.C. Hospital. On the tour she came to a room on the male urology ward with the door closed. She opened the door and screamed. On the bed was a nurse giving the patient a hand job. Her doctor tour guide reassured her that everything was O.K. and that the patient had a disease of the testicles which required the collection of a sperm sample twice per day to ensure that the medication was working. Hillary was not pleased but continued on the tour until she came to a second door, also closed which she proceeded to open. What she saw reduced her to hysterics for inside was a nurse giving the patient a blow job. The doctor went over to the bed and read the patients chart. What an amazing coincidence," he said, "this man has the very same disease of the testicles except he has a better medical plan!" The story of a looser..... "When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through." "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." "What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!" "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get." "I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof" "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing." "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide." "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..." "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!" "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!" "A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!" "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest." "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!" --- Joan, a rather well-proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up ther, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day? En mand og en dame er i fuld gang med en fyrrig dans på dansegulvet, da han inspireret af en nuværende tv-rfeklame tager kvinden på de formfuldendte bryster og med et lille glimt i øjet siger: Boller fra Kobergh! Koket slår hun blikket ned - og tager ham i de ædlere dele og hvisker: Miniflütes fra Hatting. USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELLING IN THE MIDDLE EAST: AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe. The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! "Beer Quotes" You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.--David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.--Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.--Homer Simpson Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --"For Whom the Bell Tolls", Ernest Hemmingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Airplane Anecdotes (supposedly true): > > Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks > for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't > the plane's fault. It was the asphalt." > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had > hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a > policy which required the first officer to stand at the door > while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for > flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, > he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking > that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had > gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. > She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, > what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?" > ___________________________________________________ > > "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your > seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. > It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know > how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public > unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, > oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab > the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child > travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with > theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide > now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 > degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them > fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves > you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." > ___________________________________________________ > United Airlines PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now > painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of > us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us > today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins > as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our > so called "touch down." > ___________________________________________________ > About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into > Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could > tell during final that the Captain was really having to fight > it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant > came on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to > Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt > fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to > the gate!" > ___________________________________________________ > Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, > but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose > your luggage." > ___________________________________________________ > Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated > through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that > is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of > miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion > around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it > takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! > Get off my freakin back, man!" > ___________________________________________________ > And a few parting shots: > Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet. > > How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? He'll > tell you. > > What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God > doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.... > > What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig? The > pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk. > > What do fighter pilots use for birth control? Their personality. > > What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? > A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot. ANSOEGNING OM JYDSK INDFOEDSRET Navn:____________________ (kun efternavn) > (_) Svend-Ole (_) Svend-Bendt (_) Svend-Aage (_) Svend-Inge (_) Svend-Birthe (_) Svend-Margrethe (Afkryds venligst fornavn) Alder:______ Kon: M____ K____ Ved ikke____ > Sko Str.Venstre____ Hojre____ Stilling: (_)Landmand (_)Mekaniker (_)Frisor (_)Politi (_)Arbejdslos Aegtefaelles navn:__________________________ > Relation til aegtefaelle: (_)Soster (_)Bror (_)Tante (_)Onkel (_)Faetter (_)Kusine (_)Mor (_)far (_)Soen (_)Datter (_)Husdyr Antal born i husstanden:______ Antal heraf, som er dine:_____ Moders navn:__________________ Faders navn:__________________(udfyld intet, hvis du ikke er sikker) Uddannelse: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 (afkryds afgangsklasse fra Folkeskolen) Antal koretojer ejer: ______ Antal koretojer i forhaven: ______ Antal koretojer i baghaven: ______ Antal heraf der er opklodset:______ Antal skydevaaben du ejer:_____ Hvor opbevare du dem: ____Lastbilen ____Traktoren ____Sovevaerelset ____Daglistuen ____Kokkenet ____Skuret Type og aargang traktor: _________________ aarg. 194_ Aviser/blade du abonnerer paa: (_)B.T (_)Ekstra Bladet (_)Se og Hor (_)Ude og Hjemme Hvor ofte bader du: (_)Ugentlig (_)Maanedligt (_)Sjaeldnere end ovennaevnte Taendernes farve: (_)Gule (_)Gul-brune (_)Brune (_)Sorte (_)Hvilke taender Hvilket maerke skraa foretraekker du: (_)MacBaren's Hvor langt er der fra dit hus til asfalteret vej ? (_)1 KM (_)2 KM (_)Ved ikke If you think your day is bad..... Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by the forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 kilometers away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splattering when he hit the floor. The moral of this story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye-patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook." >> SOFTWARE UPGRADES Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-in-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting Installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, I do like some of the features planned to be included in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release: 'Don't remind me again' button, built-in Anti-virus protection, minimize button, shutdown feature, an uninstall feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose any cache and other objects). Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. There is, of course, a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system - most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of Personal Lawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0v3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine. > >John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army >uniform, >>>and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand >Central >>>Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose >face he >>>didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun >thirteen >>>months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he >>>found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with >the >>>notes penciled in the margin. >>> >>>The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful >mind. >>>In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, >Miss >>>Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She >lived >>>in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and >>>inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas >for >>>service in World War II. >>> >>>During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other >>>through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile >heart. A >>>romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she >refused. >>>She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she >looked >>>like. >>> >>>When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they >scheduled >>>their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New >York. >>>"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing >on my >>>lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose >>>heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. >>> >>>I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: > >>>A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her >>>blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were >blue >>>as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her >pale >>>green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward >her, >>>entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I >>>moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, >>>sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer >to >>>her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost >directly >>>behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked >>>under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet >>>thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was >walking >>>quickly away. >>> >>>I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to >follow >>>her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had >truly >>>companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, >plump >>>face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly >>>twinkle. > >>>I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather >copy >>>of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, >but >>>it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than >love, >>>a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I >squared >>>my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even >though >>>while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. >"I'm >>>Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so >glad >>>you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face >broadened >>>into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she >>>answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, >she >>>begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to >ask >>>me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for >you >>>in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind >of >>>test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's >wisdom. >>>The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the >unattractive. >>> >>>"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who >you >>>are." > A woman goes into a petshop to buy her boyfriend a pet. Upon looking around, she gets a little frustrated because all of the animals in the store are out of her price range. After she complains to a clerk, he tells her not to worry. "We have a bullfrog in the back for $50". "$50 for a fucking frog! Are you kidding?" "It's a special frog. It gives blowjobs". SOLD! She takes said beasty home to its lucky new owner who is, not surprisingly, delighted with his gift. In the middle of the night, the girlfriend is awakened by a commotion in the kitchen. She walks in to find her boyfriend and his new pet looking over a pile of cookbooks at the kitchen table. "What the hell are you two doing in here at this hour?" She inquires. The boyfriend looks up and replies, "If this little guy can cook, your ass is out of here". > MICROSOFT SEX > Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they > made > love. > The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before > we > make love, he brings me flowers and candy. > I like that." > The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes > love a > little rough, I like that." > The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all > he > does is sit on the edge of the bed > and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it." > Grove - men gode Hvordan gør man en blondine gravid? - Sprøjter i hendes sko og lader fluerne klare resten! Hvordan får du en blondine til at gifte sig med dig? - Fortæller hende at hun er gravid! og: Hvad vil hun så spørge dig om? - "Er det mit?" Hvordan får du en blondine til at rejse sig op? - Du kommer! Hvor holder en blondine sine hænder, når hun drikker? - På hans baller! Hvorfor kan blondiner ikke lide analsex? - De bryder sig ikke om, at folk piller ved deres hjerner! Hvorfor kan blondiner ikke stå på vandski? - Fordi de lægger sig ned, hver gang de bliver våde i skridtet! Hvorfor er blondiner så lette at få med i kanen? - Who cares! Hvorfor kan blondiner ikke tælle til 70? - Fordi de i folkeskolen aldrig kom længere end til 69! Hvorfor bliver en blondine forvirret, når hun er på toilet? - Fordi hun selv skal trække bukserne ned! ---------------- Der var engang en mand ovre i Jylland. Han elskede at gå på jagt. En tidlig morgen sprang han med stor lyst ud af sengen, gik ud og smurte en dejlig madpakke, lavede termo-kaffe og pakkede sit jagtudstyr. Derefter gik han ind i sovevaerelset og råbte: "Kone, kone vågn op! Vi skal ud på jagt!" Konen svarede søvnigt at det gad hun ihvertfald ikke så tidligt en søndag morgen. Manden sagde: "Kone, kone, kom nu, du skal med på jagt!!!" Konen spurgte bedende om de ikke nok kunne gøre det en anden dag... Så blev manden sur, og sagde; "Ok, kone - du får tre valg: Enten går du med på jagt, ellers sutter du den af på mig, eller også vil jeg bolle dig i røven" Konen havde ikke rigtig lyst til nogle af delene, men hun valgte modstridende at sutte den af på ham. Manden knappede bukserne op, og hun gik i gang. Efter få sekunder udbrød hun; "Fy for fanden, den smager jo af lort!!!" "Ja, det tror da fanden", sagde manden "Hunden ville heller ikke med på jagt!" ---------------- Pernille og Poul møder hinanden til en fest, og som aftenen skrider frem, bliver de enige om at tage hjem til Pernille for at dyrke noget sex. Hjemme hos Pernille siger hun, at hun lige vil advare om, at hun er flad som et strygebræt, ja næsten som et spædbarn på overkroppen, hvorpå Poul svarer at så passer de meget godt sammen, da han er som en nyfødt under bæltestedet. Pernille tager trøjen af, og ganske rigtigt, flad som et strygebræt med to små gajoler. Men da Poul tager bukserne af, taber hun både næse og mund, hvorpå Poul siger: Det er det jeg siger, som et spædbarn: 52 cm og 3500 gram ---------------- Hvorfor har Pinochio intet sexliv? Svar: Fordi Haribo har solgt hans kugler. **************** 3 drenge diskuterer hvis mor der har den største mund. Den første fortæller "min mor kan have 5 golfbolde i munden på een gang" 2. dreng "min mor kan have 4 tennisbolde!" Den sidste siger "det er da ikke noget særligt. En aften hørte jeg min mor sige til min far. Hvis du slukker lampen så tager jeg den i munden.......!" **************** Poul Thomsen har lavet en pornofilm !!!! Gæt hvad den hedder "frem med dyret" **************** Hvad er definitionen af 'træls'? Det er når man sidder og malker sin ko og koen så begynder at sparke med benet. Så rejser man sig op og binder benet fast til en stolpe. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men så begynder koen at sparke med det andet ben. Så rejser man sig op og binder det andet ben fast til en stolpe. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men så begynder koen at vifte med halen. Så rejser man sig op og binder halen fast på ryggen af koen. Så sætter man sig ned og malker videre, men i det samme skal man tisse. Så rejser man sig op, går om bag ved koen og begynder at hive bukserne ned. I det samme kommer konen ind... DET ER TRÆLS!!! ---------------- Det var en mand der en dag besøgte en skønhedsklinik fordi han ville se lidt bedre/yngre ud. Da operationen var lykkedes gik han glad og tilfreds hjem. Da han skulle i byen, gik han lige ind til købmanden først. Han spurgte købmanden: "hvor gammel tror du jeg er". Købmanden svarede "35 år". Manden blev utrolig glad og sagde "det er jeg glad for, fordi jeg er 47 år." Så gik han videre i byen, og efter et stykke tid kom han ind på Mc Donalds, her stod der en ung pige. Her spurgte han også: "hvor gammel tror du jeg er" Pige svarede: "Jeg tror du er 29 år." Han blev ovenud lykkelig, og sagde stolt og lykkelig "JEG ER 47 ÅR" Han kom derefter ned på stationen til regional-toget. Her stod en gammel dame og ventede på toget. Han skyndte sig hen til hende, for at prøve en gang til. Og han spurgte: "Undskyld, men hvor gammel tror De jeg er." Damen svarede med grødet stemme: "Det kan jeg godt fortælle dem, men først skal jeg mærke på dine ædlere dele i ca. 10 minutter" Han blev meget forundret, men alligevel interesseret i hvordan og om hun kunne det, så han åbnede bukserne og tog dem ned. Der stod hun så og masserede hans ædlere dele i et stykke tid, hvorefter hun svarede: "De er 47 år gammel" Der stod han nedtrykt og måbende, og fik fremstammet "hvordan gjorde De det" Damen svarede: "Jeg stod bagved dem på McDonalds" ---------------- >> A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. >> She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he >> arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to >> hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is >> full and bushy. >> "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both >> hands. >> "Actually, no," he replies. >> "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running >> her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. >> "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there >> anything I can do?" >> "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues >> huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck >> them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." -------------- I forrige uge opgraderede en af mine gode venner Girlfriend 1.0 til Wife 1.0. Han opdagede at programmet kræver så store ressourcer, at det næsten er umuligt at køre andre programmer samtidigt med Wife 1.0. Ydermere erfarede han, at programmet genererer en såkaldt Child-process, som vil kræve endnu flere ressourcer i fremtiden. Ingen af disse problemer var nævnt i manualen eller i produkt informationen, men andre brugere af Wife 1.0 har berettet om lignende problemer. Problemerne var imidlertid ikke slut hermed. Wife 1.0 installerede sig selv på en sådan måde, at det altid er aktivt og overvåger alle andre system-aktiviteter. Han har opdaget, at visse andre programmer som Pokernight 10.3, Beerdrink 2.5 og Pubnight 7.0 ikke kan køres. Der kommer en melding fra systemet: "Programmet har udført en ulovlig handling". Ved installationen får man desuden uønskede ekstraprogrammer; som for eksempel det frygtede Motherinlaw 57.6, samt Brotherinlaw i en betaversion. Programmet er ikke imponerende og jeg håber da også at der i Wife 2.0 vil komme følgende forbedringer: En "mind mig ikke om det igen"-knap. Minimeringsknap. Installationsguide som effektivt kan afinstallere Wife 1.0, dog uden at fjerne funktionaliteterne fra dette program Der går dog rygter om et afinstallationsprogram til Wife 1.0 med navnet Lawyer 6.66, problemet kan dog være, at Wife 1.0 kan lave et lignende kald til samme type program. Lawyer 6.66 er dog et meget dyrt program og der udstedes ingen sikkerhed for resultatet, da Lawyer 6.66 er afhængig af et "remote procedure call" til det højst ustabile program DivorceCourt 2.0. En mere risikabel og makaber måde at slippe af med wife 1.0 på, er at installere Arsenik 0.05 på dit system. Wife 1.0 skal nok forsvinde for bestandigt, men du kan risikere at dit system havner i protected mode og bliver der adskillige år frem i tiden. Jeg har selv besluttet at undgå ovennævnte problemer ved at holde mig til Girlfriend 2.0, men selv her er der problemer. Det største er at man først skal afinstallere Girlfriend 1.0 Dette er en kompliceret proces som giver problemer i RAM-allokeringen idet begge programmer forsøger at anvende størst mulige ressourcer med det problem at ingen af dem fungerer optimalt. Afinstalleringen af Girlfriend 1.0 er ikke uproblematisk idet det ikke reelt kan slettes fra computeren og af og til virker forstyrrende på afviklingen af Girlfriend 2.0. En meget generende funktion i Girlfriend programmerne er, at der meget hyppigt kommer en pop-up menu som omtaler fordelene ved en opgradering til Wife 1.0. Wife 1.0 har også en udokumenteret fejl som bevirker at hver gang du prøver at afvikle Freedom 3.4 sletter Wife 1.0 alle MS-money filerne og geninstallerer sig selv. -------------- > En københavner var kommet en tur til Jylland og hos en bondemand blev han vist rundt på gården, da københavneren peger på en ko og siger: "Hva? fan? er det for et dyr?". Hvortil bondemanden svarer: "Det er en ko og derfra får vi mælk". Lidt efter fik københavneren øje på en gris og siger: "Hva? fan? er det for et dyr?". Hvortil bondemanden svarer: "Det er en gris og derfra får vi kød". Efter lidt tid får københavneren øje på en stork og siger: "Hva? fan? er det for et dyr?". Bondemanden svarer: "Det er en stork og det er den som kommer med de små børn". Hvortil københavneren siger: "Hva? fan? får I ingen fisse herovre??". < --------------- Jeg var lige stået af bussen, da jeg fik øje på et virkeligt velkonfigureret objekt, med nogle ordentlige attributter og en meget brugervenlig grænseflade. Hun lignede ikke en, der havde gået i cluster, snarere en fra bad sector. Pludselig vendte hun sig om og oprettede en forbindelse mellem vores øjne. Jeg stod som linket til jorden - jeg var hendes slave. Jeg spurgte, om der var noget jeg kunne serve hende med og hun svarede, at hun gerne ville være host for mig - bare OS/2, så der ingen interrupts ville være. Min clockfrekvens steg voldsomt og jeg følte mig som en mac-mand i en pc-konference. Kort efter sad jeg i hendes kabinet og scannede environmentet, mens hun calibrerede sig til optimal ydeevne. Jeg gik over til window'et og udenfor var luften tyk af bugs. I karmen stod et billede af hende og hendes mand. Så var hun jo til multiprocessing??? Nå, pludselig kom hun ind i stuen og jeg slog over i chat-mode. Efter ca. 6 minutter var hun klar til en opkobling og jeg trak kablet ud. Hun så spørgende på det og spurgte, om det ikke var lidt lille af et joystick at være. Jeg svarede hende, at den bare var komprimeret når den var inaktiv, så den skulle bare lige varm bootes lidt op. Derefter tog jeg min virusbeskyttelse på og førte vores interfaces sammen. 7 timer efter kom jeg med et upload og disconnectede. Men hun ville have mere, så hun hev et nyt gummidyr frem og sagde, at hun var vild med mænd, som ville køre i protected mode. Jeg svarede, at sådan var jeg bare installeret i den nye opgradering. Efter endnu 7 timer måtte jeg sende en time-out pga. overflow i hendes gate. Jeg disablede min spooler funktion og gik i dvale-mode. Jeg vågnede pludselig til en kold bootning og kunne mærke, at jeg trængte til en total rekompilering. Samtidig opdagede jeg, at jeg var blevet smidt ud af hendes system og jeg kunne ikke komme ind igen, uanset hvor mange pakker jeg sendte mod alle hendes porte. Lidt skuffet besluttede jeg mig for at surfe videre. Jeg forsøgte sidenhen at trace hende, men det var umuligt da hun åbenbart brugte dynamisk adressering. Så var der den med de to venner som var i svømmehallen, og de havde besluttet sig for at de skulle springe fra 10 meter vippen, så de kravler der op og den første går hen til kanten og kigger ned, og han bliver straks så bange at han går hen til trappen og begynder at gå ned, den anden som har stået bagved og kigget, går nu også hen til kanten for at se ned, han bliver også bange og vil ned igen, men da han vender sig mod trappen så står der pludselig en stor neger foran ham og negeren siger "spring eller jeg røvpuler dig", den første gut som er på vej ned af trappen hører dette og springer det sidste stykke ned, og farer ud af svømmehallen, En uge senere mødes de 2 kammerater igen og ham som var faret ud af svømmehallen spørger straks den anden "sprang du sprang du", hvorefter han svarer "NEJ ikke mere end det kunne sys". > En Russisk ubåd stiger op til overfladen i Atlanten. Kaptajnen åbner > lugen > og stikker hovedet op AAAAAEE udbryder han det var sgu dejligt med > noget > friskt luft. > Han når knapt nok at fuldføre sætningen før en Amerikansk ubåd stiger > op > ganske få meter fra ham. > Den Amerikanske kaptajn gør det samme. Åbner lugen og stikker hovedet > op. Her får han så øje på russeren. Det er forbandet dejligt at > indhalere > frisk luft når man har været neddykket i 3 mdr. siger Amerikaneren. > Jeg vil > gi' dem fuldstændig ret gode kammerat. Vi har været nede i et ½ år så > dette > øjeblik er ubeskriveligt siger russeren. > I det samme stiger der en lille ubåd op lugen bliver åbnet et hoved > kommer > frem og siger, Sieg Hiel..Haben sie diesel. > > > Her er en autetisk historie. I sidste uge var jeg på et DSB-toilet. Jeg var lige færdig med at tisse. Ind kommer en mand, som må være lettere handicappet, da hans fingre er fuldstændig krumbøjede. Han spørger mig om jeg vil hjælpe ham med at tisse, da han ikke selv er i stand til det. Jeg har ondt af manden, så jeg siger OK. Jeg lyner ned og holder gøjen. Da han er færdig med at tisse, spørger jeg ham, om jeg skal hjælpe ham med at få den ind i underbukserne igen. Han svarede "nej tak, det kan jeg godt selv, for nu er neglelakken tør." Vandmanden : 20-1 - 18-2 Du har en opfindsom forstand og er tilbøjelig til at være fremskridtsvenlig. Du lyver dog en del. I øvrigt er du temmelig skødeløs og upraktisk, hvorfor du laver de samme fejl gang efter gang. Folk synes du er dum i låget. Vandmænd er ofte gode til, at hente øl samt drikke dem. Fiskene 19-2 - 20-3 Du har en livlig fantasi og tror, du bliver forfulgt af politi og efterretningstjenesten. Du har ingen indflydelse på dine omgivelser og er helt uden charme. Dog er du meget pralende. Fiskene mangler selvtillid og er store kujoner. Fiskene er ofte blottere. Vædderen 21-3 - 19-4 Du er en foregangsmand og nærer foragt for andre mennesker. Du er hidsig, utålmodig og hånlig overfor andre, men er til gengæld helt uden humoristisk sans. Du er ikke særlig rar, faktisk er du et røvhul, og ingen kan lide dig. Tyren 20-4 - 19-5 Du er praktisk og ihærdig. Du har en stadig udholdenhed og arbejder som bar helvede. De fleste mennesker synes, du er ensidig, tykhovedet og intolerant. Tyren har dårlig ende, armsved samt lugter og fiser meget. Tvillingerne 21-5 - 20-6 Du er en hurtig og intelligent tænker. Folk kan lide dig, fordi du er biseksuel. Du nærer helt overdrevne forventninger af alle situationer og betragtes som en psykisk afviger. Du er meget behagesyg, altså billig. Forresten er tvillingerne kendt for at begå blodskam. Krebsen 21-6 - 22-7 Du er sympatisk og forstående overfor andre folks problemer. Du betragtes som et naivt fæhoved. Du udsætter altid alting og laver aldrig noget af dig selv. Andre prøver normalt at undgå dig, da du betragtes som meget kedelig. De fleste modtagere af socialhjælp er krebse. Løven 23-7 - 22-8 Du anser dig selv for den fødte leder. Andre synes, du er påtrængende. De fleste løver er blærerøve og skrub-hysteriske. Du er forfængelig og meget selvglad. På den anden side er du også nærig og har en stærk hang til alkohol. Løver er altid uhæderlige og begår ofte underslæb. Jomfruen 23-8 - 22-9 Du er den logiske type og hader uorden. Denne irriterende pernittengrynholdning er utålelig for dine venner, hvis du har nogen venner. Du er en kold skid og falder tit i søvn, mens du elsker. Jomfruer kan ikke skelne stort fra småt, men de kan være gode buschaffører Vægten 23-9 - 22-10 Du er den kunstneriske type og ikke særlig realistisk. Hvis du er en mand, hører du til den meget tvivlsomme slags. De kvindelige vægte er som regel fede og ulækre. Dine chancer for arbejdsmæssige og økonomiske vindinger er lig nul. Dog kan vægte af begge køn være gode prostituerede. Alle vægte har kønssygdomme. Skorpionen 23-10 - 21-11 Du er skarpsindig i forretningsanliggender og i det hele taget ikke til at stole på. Din moral er særdeles anløben. Seksuelt er du et nul, men du savler meget. De fleste skorpioner bliver myrdet før eller siden. Skorpioner kan tit løbe meget hurtigt, hvis politiet er efter dem. Skytten 22-11 - 21-12 Du er optimistisk og blåøjet. Du satser dumdristigt på dit held, mest fordi du mangler talent. Skytternes hjerne er meget passende at sammenligne med visse fortidsøglers. De fleste skytter er fordrukne, liderlige eller narkomaner. Du er ufrivillig komisk og folk griner meget af dig. Dine forsøg på at være morsom er derimod altid højst pinlige. Stenbukken 22-12 - 19-1 Du er stokkonservativ og bange for at tage en chance. Du laver sjældent fejl, da du faktisk aldrig laver noget som helst. Du er doven og betragtes som et hul i jorden. Der er ingen der lægger mærke til dig, og du kunne egenlig lige se godt være død. Der er aldrig, og vil aldrig eksistere en stenbuk af blot den ringeste betydning. Stenbukke bør undgå at stå stille længere tid, da hundene eller tror du er et træ og pisser på dig. ----- >A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. >Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of >the clerics is hurt. >After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's >collar and says,; " So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look >at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign >from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and >live together in peace the rest of our days. " >The priest replies, " I agree with you completely. This must be >a sign from God. " >The rabbi continues, " And look at this. Here's another miracle. >My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David >wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate >our >good fortune. " >Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, >takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The >rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it >back to the priest. The priest asks, " Aren't you having any? " >The rabbi replies, " No...I think I'll wait for the police. " > >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > >A guy is at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted, while >St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is >worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several >times,furrows his brow, and says to the guy, " You know, I can't see >that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did >anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good >deed that you did in your life, you're in. " The guy thinks for a >moment and says, " Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down >the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists >assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, >and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this >chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my >trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with >a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his >ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed >a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and >smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around >and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl >Alone! >You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you >all a lesson in pain!' " St. Peter, impressed, says " Really? When did >this happen? " " Oh, about two minutes ago. " > >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > >Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on >heaven's golf course. The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. >Moses, the first to tee off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives >right for the water. He instantly spreads his arms, the water >parts, and the ball rolls across the bottom of the lake and up on to >the green. The others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus >steps up for his turn. Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the >water, but when it gets there, it just rolls across the surface >of the lake, continuing until it gets across and rolls up onto the >green. After showering him with complements, the old man steps up to take >his shot. >His ball also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a >turtle and on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the >ball and heads for the woods. As the others begin to laugh, a hawk >swoops down and picks up the squirrel. As the hawk flies over the >green, it squeezes the squirrel. The ball falls out of the squirrels >mouth, >bounces once on the green, and then rolls into the cup. Jesus turns to >the man and says, " Nice shot dad! Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... Now it's June ... when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.What cold weather? It's summer, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent theives $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warratny? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this, " she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh , Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?" =========== An anonymous girl lets call her jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado, like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her but off designing computer programs and installing software. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. she was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. she was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line. So jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it. over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as jeremy, she started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was "katie" and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. he responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. soon they were having cybersex. this went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with jeremy again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. at the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. they became close, exchanging their lives, jen didnt' tell jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. she felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a year. bye the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. they were afraid of ruining the mystery. they had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together. they finally decided they had had enough. they wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. they didn't care about age or looks or anything but each other. jeremy told jen he thought she could be his next wife. jen was weary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. so...they planned a trip to meet in vale, colorado. they were going to spend the weekend together and finally meet. jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said, why don't you just get the room and we'll meet in the room that way there will be no mistake. jeremy agreed. jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went into the room. she wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some music. she stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to surprise jeremy when he got there. the time soon came the lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone walk in and around the corner, and she whispered, "jeremy", jeremy said, "katie?" (this was the false name she had given him.) yes she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see jen on the bed naked before him. then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliating voice said, "dad?" and jeremy said, "JEN!!!" think of what you would do in this situation... now realize this really did happen. their lives will never be the same. _________ Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't: 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first ! _____________________________________________________________ Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off? _____________________________________________________________ Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't: 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there! >> >>Her er nogle spørgsmål, som får en til at tænke en ekstra gang på, >>hvordan verden er skruet sammen. >> >>Hvorfor er der redningsveste under flystolene, når det havde været >>bedre med faldskærme ? >> >>Hvordan kommer fyren der kører sneploven til arbejdet om morgenen? >> >>Er sterilitet arveligt ? >> >>Hvis Seven/Eleven har åbent døgnet rundt, 365 dage om året, >>hvorfor er der så lås på dørene ? >> >>Hvis der ikke er noget der klæber på teflon, hvordan får de så >>teflon til at sidde fast på panderne ? >> >>Hvis du kører med lysets hastighed, hvad sker der så når du tænder >>forlygterne ? >> >>Hvorfor laver de ikke fly af samme materiale som den sorte boks, >>den holder jo altid ? >> >>Hvorfor skruer man ned for lyden, når man sidder i bilen og ikke >>kan finde vej ? >> >>Hvis du binder et stykke smørrebrød fast på ryggen af en kat, og >>slipper den fra høj højde, hvad sker der så ? >> >>Hvorfor er det så svært at huske hvordan "MNEMONIC" staves ? >> >>Hvis man forsøger at bevise Murphy's lov, vil tingene så stadig gå >>galt? >> >>Hvorfor har kamikaze-piloter hjelm på ? >> >>Hvorfor stopper fodgængere altid i døråbninger, for enden af >>rulletrapper og på de smalleste steder på fortovet, hvor de er >>mest i vejen? >> >>Hvordan smider man en skraldespand væk ? >> >>Hvorfor steriliserer de nålen, inden en dødsdømt får sin sprøjte ? >> >>Hvordan ved man at det er på tide at stemme sin sækkepibe ? >> >>Hvis du kvæler en Smølf, hvad farve får han så i ansigtet ? >> >>Hvad gør man hvis man ser et udrydningstruet dyr, som spiser en >>udrydningstruet plante ? >> >>Hvorfor skriver man dødsattesten på genbrugspapir ? >> >>Tager en mand stadig fejl, hvis han står i en skov og der ikke er >>en kvinde i nærheden ? >> >>Hvis en døvstum bander, vasker mor så hans hænder med sæbe ? >> >>Hvis en person med personlighedsspaltning, truer med at tage livet >>af sig, er det så en gidselsituation ? >> >>Hvad ville der stå på skiltemalernes skilte, hvis de strejkede ? >> >>Hvorfor krymper får ikke når det regner ? The CIA had a position open for a new intelligence person. After extensive testing and screening they narrowed the possible choices down to three people; two men and a woman. For the final test they took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man was shocked and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the man for this job." They took the second man to the same door and handed him the gun, with the same instructions. The man looked somewhat nervous but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for five minutes and the man returned with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the man for the job." It was now the woman's turn. She was lead to the same door to the same room and the same gun was placed in her hand. "We must be sure you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", the CIA man said. "Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." Without hesitation the woman entered the room. Before the door was fully closed the CIA heard the gun firing....one shot after another until it was empty. Then all hell broke loose. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls for several minutes.....then all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said................. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son-of-a-bitch to death with the chair." 101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. You don't sweat much for a fat person. 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Was what good for me? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate people who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 79. You can cook too, right? 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85. Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Sun". 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? Der var engang en perfekt mand, som mødte den perfekte kvinde. Efter et perfekt forhold, blev de gift ved et perfekt bryllup. Deres liv sammen var * selvfølgelig * - perfekt. En snefuld, stormende Juleaften, kørte dette perfekte par i deres perfekte bil, på en snoet vej, da de bemærker en opgivende person stå i vejkanten. Og da de jo var et perfekt par, stoppede de selvfølgelig for at hjælpe. Og der stod Julemanden, med en kæmpe bunke legetøj. For ikke at skuffe alle børnene på en Juleaften, flyttede det perfekte par alt legetøjet over i deres bil og tog Julemanden med. Kort efter kørte parret rundt og udleverede alle gaverne. Uheldigvis, sigtbarheden blev mindre og mindre, og det perfekte par og Julemanden kom ud for en drabelig ulykke med bilen. Kun een af de 3 overlevede...hvem?? RUL NED!!! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * SVAR: - * Den perfekte kvinde. Hun var den eneste som i virkeligheden eksisterede. Alle og enhver ved jo, at hverken Julemanden eller den perfekte mand findes.... - For et mandligt modbevis...RUL NED!! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Altså: hvis den perfekte mand og Julemanden ikke findes, må det have været den perfekte kvinde som kørte bilen. Det forklarer jo det biluheld... > Or what? > A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to > have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to > bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the > doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't > she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, > "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have > any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or > what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss > asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so > I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't > have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to > pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc > when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The > doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So > are we going to tell your husband or what?" > > Frisky night > A man, feeling a bit frisky one night, rolls over and gives his wife a > soft tickle, to signal his intents and desires. His wife turns and > says, " not tonight, sweetheart. I have an appointment at my ob/gyn in > the morning and want to feel fresh for it." Feeling dejected, he rolls > over and tries to sleep...then he turns back to her and asks "You're > not going to the dentist, are you?" > > Understanding acronyms at a glance is a crucial skill in today's > fast-paced, high-tech world, hence this list: > > ISDN - It Still Does Nothing > APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity > SCSI - System Can't See It > DOS - Defective Operating System > BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control > IBM - I Blame Microsoft > DEC - Do Expect Cuts > CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly > OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too. > WWW - World Wide Wait > MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System > Hangs > PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding > of Math > COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language > AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction > LISP - Lots of Infuriating Silly Parentheses > MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed > WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System > MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools > Teenagers (Editor's note: Hey!!! :-)) > > Are you the manager? > A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She > gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he > arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close > to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which > is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking > his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him > for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up > beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the > barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. > I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a > couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. > "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." > A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, > and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones > at the back that are killed first. > This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, > because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps > improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members. > In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast > as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we > all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the > slowest and weakest brain cells first. > In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker > brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. > That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!!!! > > > Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this really > big, > deep hole. > "Wow.. that looks deep!" "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and > see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles, throw them in, and > wait.....no noise. "Doggone, that is REALLY deep... here throw one > these big rocks and see how long it takes." Again, there was no > noise after throwing in the rock. > "Look over here, there's a railroad tie in the weeds. Lets throw it > in, > its gotta make a noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole > and > heave it in. Not a sound from the hole. > The two stand there, amazed, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat > appears, running like the wind. > It rushes straight toward the two men and then past them, running as > fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and > into > the hole. The two men are astonished by what they've just seen. > Then out of the wood comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. > "Hey .. you two guys seen my goat out here?" > "You bet we did! The darndest thing we've ever seen. Came running > outta nowhere like crazy and just jumped right into this hole!" > "Nah", says the farmer, " Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was > chained to a railroad tie." > > > A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes > one > look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. > Right > away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to > stroke > her thigh. > As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" > "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological > abnormalities." > "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her > breasts. > "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. > "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast > cancer." > "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual > intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm > doing > now?" > "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." > > > A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out > his > twelve inch dick and says with > a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks > over and > says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?" > > > It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about > what > they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid > replies, > "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a > Walkie > -Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I > just > got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty > rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not > dying > of cancer." > > > There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long > business > trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try > to > get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he > didn't > much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, > let's > ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) > So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. > He > thought about a life-sized sex doll but that was too close to another > man > for him. > He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to > please > his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He > explained his situation. > The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do > the > trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but > I > don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except > -- " > and he stopped. > "Except what?" the man asked. > "Nothing, nothing." > "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" > "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo > dick.'" > "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. > The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden > box, > carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very > ordinary-looking dildo. > The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like > every > other dildo in this shop!" > The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He > pointed > to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out > of > its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. > The > whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the > middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, > get > back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box > and > lay there, quiescent once more. > "I'll take it!" said the businessman. > The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally > surrendered > to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a > special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo > dick, > my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine > while > he was gone. > After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She > thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then > she > remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my > pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It > was > great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three > orgasms, > she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was > stuck in > her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing > worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she > decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her > clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, > quivering > with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly > made her > swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked > for > her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and > twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a > voodoo > dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. > The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. > Voodoo > dick, my ass!" > > > /* > TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code > Project: Chicago(tm) > > Project release-date: Summer 1994 Spring 1995 > */ > #include > #include > #include > #include "win31.h" > #include "evenmore.h" > #include "oldstuff.h" > #include "billrulz.h" > > void mail() > { > while (!CRASHED) > { > display_copyright_message(); > display_bill_rules_message(); > do_nothing_loop(); > if (first_time_installation) > { > make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); > do_nothing_loop(); > totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); > search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); > hang_system(); > } > write_something(anything); > display_copyright_message(); > do_nothing_loop(); > do_some_stuff(); > if (still_not_crashed) > { > display_copyright_message(); > do_nothing_loop(); > basically_run_windows_3.1(); > do_nothing_loop(); > do_nothing_loop(); > } > } > if (still_not_crashed) > { > write_cheer(); > finished(); > } > create_general_protection_fault(); > } > Presidential Most Memorables: JFK: "Ich bin ein Berliner!" Nixon: "I am not a crook!" Reagan: "Tear down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev!" Bush: "Read my lips!" Clinton: "Suck my dick!" Instructions for life: 1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. 2. Memorize your favorite poem. 3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. 4. When you say, "I love you", mean it. 5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye. 6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. 7. Believe in love at first sight. 8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. 9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. 10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. 11. Don't judge people by their relatives. 12. Talk slow but think quick. 13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?". 14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 15. Call your mom. 16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. 17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions. 19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. 22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other. 23. Spend some time alone. 24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 26. Read more books and watch less TV. 27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. 28. Trust in God but lock your car. 29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. 30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 31. Read between the lines. 32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 33. Be gentle with the earth. 34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it. 35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. 36. Mind your own business. 37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him. 38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. 40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. 41. Learn the rules, then break some. 42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. 43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 44. Remember that your character is your destiny. 45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon > Det banker på døren, og den hjemmegående husmor lukker op. Udenfor står > der en mand, som forsigtigt siger > > "Det kan godt være det lyder skørt, meeeen hvis jeg nu giver dig 1.000 > kr må jeg så ikke se dine bryster - ikke noget med at tage på dem, bare > se dem?" > > Hun tænker lidt over det - det er jo lettjente penge, så hun hiver op i > blusen, og hendes bryster står flot foran manden. Han giver hende de > 1.000 kr og vender sig om for at gå - men lige før hun lukker døren > siger han: > > "Undskyld - Det kan godt være det lyder underligt, men hvis jeg nu giver > dig 5.000 kr. må jeg så ikke se dig helt nøgen - ikke noget med at røre, > bare se på din krop?" > > Hun tænker lidt over det - han gjorde jo ikke noget før, og 5.000 kr. er > jo mange penge, så hun springer til, smider tøjet og står i hele sin > yndighed foran manden. Han er meget betaget - giver hende de 5.000 kr. > og siger pænt farvel. Husmoren lukker glad døren, men lidt efter banker > det på igen - det er manden fra før der spørger: > > "Ja undskyld men det kan godt være det lyder underligt, men jeg er > virkelig blevet så betaget af din krop, så hvis jeg nu giver dig 10.000 > kr. vil du så elske med mig?" > > Hun tænker lidt over det - 16.000 kr. ialt for ½ times arbejde - og hvad > hendes mand ikke ved, har han jo ikke ondt af. Så hun siger ok. - lukker > manden ind, og han får en tur i karusellen, hvorefter han går igen. > > Om aftenen kommer hendes mand hjem fra arbejde "Nå lille kone hvordan er > din dag gået?" > > Hun svarer "Joooo den er gået mægtig godt, hvordan er din dag gået > lille mand?" > > Han svarer: > "Den er gået over al forventning - en rigtig god dag. ......... > > Forresten har Leif været her for at aflevere mine feriepenge?". > DECAF POOPACINO Specialty coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup on my way to catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering mutant beverages with names like "mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette lattespressacino," beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and complex process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy products and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor. Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those of us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will start working and we can remember what our full names are and why we are catching an airplane. We want to strike the lattespressacino people with our carry-on baggage and scream "GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!" But of course we couldn't do anything that active until we've had ourcoffee. It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles. The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which makes us alert. Of course it is very important to remember that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun. No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids. I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20s, when, as a "cub" reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had to stay awake while writing phenomenally boring stories about municipal government. I got my coffee from a vending machine that also sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids squirted out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. But I came to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before I've had several cups. (I can't do anything useful afterward, either; that's why I'm a columnist.) But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I say this in light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo Bishop. He sent me an invitation he received from a local company to a "private tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee," which "at $300 a pound... is one of the most expensive drinks in the world." The invitation states that this coffee is named for the luwak, a "member of the weasel family" that lives on the Island of Java and eats coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a "natural fermentation" takes place, and the berry seeds -- the coffee beans -- come out of the luwak intact. The beans are then gathered, washed, roasted and sold to coffee connoisseurs. The invitation states: "We wish to pass along this once in a lifetime opportunity to taste such a rarity." Or, as Bo Bishop put it: "They're selling processed weasel doodoo for$300 a pound." I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company in Atlanta. I paid $37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting the beans to look exotic, considering where they'd been, but they looked like regular coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid that they were just regular beans, and that I was being ripped off. Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT pooped out by a weasel? So anyway, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank some. You know how sometimes, when you're really skeptical about something, but then you finally try it, you discover that it's really good, way better than you would have thought possible? This is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my opinion, tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it. But I predict it's going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive. One of these days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee place are going to be ordering decaf poopacino. I'm thinking of switching to heroin. > A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a > specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the > foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished > to fashion them into a souvenir. > > So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked > him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can > do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." > > The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent > article the leathersmith had made for him. But the leathersmith presented > to him only a wallet. "All those foreskins and you make for me only a > wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. > > The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a > briefcase." More Darwin Awards For the uninitiated, the Darwin Awards are given are given each year to the person who does the gene pool a big favor by getting himself killed in a creative way. These are the latest nominees: Subject: DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES * BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. "You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said. * In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor. * According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. * Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. * In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. * In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. * In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. * In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990. DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S * In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. * In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. * Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. More..... The Lone Ranger and Tonto were in a west Texas saloon when an old cowboy came in and asked, "Whose white horse is that outside?" The Lone Ranger said that that was his horse Silver and said "Why do you ask?" The old cowboy said that the horse looked pretty hot out there standing in the sun and all. So the Lone Ranger told Tonto to go outside and run around Silver to create a breeze and cool him off . Well, it wasn't too much later that a second old cowboy came in and asked "Whose white horse is that outside?" Again the Lone Ranger said that that was his horse Silver and said "Why do you ask?" The old cowboy replied, "Just thought you might like to know that you left your injun runnin." Engineers -- Take One In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." ************************** Comprehending Engineers -- Take Two There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace. ************************** Comprehending Engineers -- Take Three The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach 10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 1. Dilbert is a documentary. ************************** Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you may be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six semesters you too, can become a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception MEN 113 Get a Life, Learn to Cook Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Russel Wong- Especially Naked Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud." "Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four on that highway to Hawaii?" Here are quotes by some notable people that surely wish they hadn't said these things: "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' "And they said, 'No.' "So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" notepads. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. Friends - Here are the 1997 Darwin Awards...(can't wait for '98!) The Darwin Award is made each year to the person who has managed to kill themselves (and therefore prevent the survival of their genes - hence the Darwin Awards) in the most bizarre way imaginable. Previous winners have included the man killed when the vending machine he was trying to extract a can of Coke from fell on him, the aviator who strapped a JATO module to his car and lit the blue touch paper, and last years lawn chair aviator that tied 45 helium balloons to his lawn chair and cut himself loose.. NOMINATIONS: #1 - [AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. #2 - [AP,St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. #3 - [UPI, Spain] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. #4 - [Associated Press,Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off. "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. #5 - [UPI,Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. #6 - [AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay? " The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in! #7 - From a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan, USA. A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... Under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments. AND THE WINNER: John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John -- 100 pounds heavier than Sal -- to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, drops 30 feet landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air. A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street." SOFTWARE UPGRADES Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-in-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting Installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, I do like some of the features planned to be included in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release: 'Don't remind me again' button, built-in Anti-virus protection, minimize button, shutdown feature, an uninstall feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose any cache and other objects). Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. There is, of course, a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system - most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of Personal Lawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0v3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine. Two blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrr Kiiiinnnnnnggg!" A story from a guy named Cameron: Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a Chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the Chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of Children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse Chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless Chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chili. CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. CAMERON: Momma... Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries." ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.........By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I'd be twins!" He was a unique restaurant manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.' " Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark? "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." 1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 3. How is it possible to have a civil war? 4. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 8. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 9. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 10. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 11. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? 12. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a planecrash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? 13. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 14. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 15. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 16. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 17. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 18. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a"S" in it Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a onetime fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk." Joan, the well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." How stupid is (s)he? 1. A few clowns short of a circus. 2. A few fries short of a happy meal. 3. A few beers short of a six-pack. 4. One taco short of a combination plate. 5. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. 6. He doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box. 7. She couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 8. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 9. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 10. Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 11. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 12. It takes her an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes". 13. His gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 14. If she had another brain it would be lonely. 15. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. 16. He's about as bright as Alaska in December. 17. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 18. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 19. His skylight leaks a little. And finally........... 20. He should wear a T-shirt that says "I'm with sutpid...."and no arrow! - A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... - If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP? - I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film. - I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. - How come you never hear about gruntled employees? - How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? - If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what exactly is a fog horn made out of? - I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? - What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" Great truths about life that little children have learned: * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. * School lunches stick to the wall. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. * The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. THINGS TO THINK ABOUT - Submitted by Mike Whalan 1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? 7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. 8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once. 9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway. 13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. 14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know. 15) Do unto others, then run..................... Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." > > A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight > > from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like > > to play a fun game to make the time go by faster. > > > > The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls > > over to the window to catch a few winks. > > > > The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot > > of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the > > answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." > > > > Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, > > now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't > > know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will > > pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde (and assuming all > > those stories about blondes are true) that he will easily win the > > contest. > > > > This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no > > end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to > > the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance > > from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't > > say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and > > hands it to the lawyer. > > > > Now, it's her turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with > > three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a > > puzzled look. He takes out his lap top computer and searches all his > > references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the > > Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all > > his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an > > hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. > > > > The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. > > The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, > > wakes her back up and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" With out a > > word, she reaches into her purse, hands the > > lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. > > Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car > begins to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's > going to stall. > The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be > something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and > maybe that will take care of the problem." > The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be > something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the > distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem." > The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It > could be that we've too many windows open. Let's close all the > windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the > windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem." > > An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one." The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?" Q: What do you call a hundred lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A: A doberman. Certain Californian lawyers have tried to have jokes like these restricted as hate speech, and they have a point. Most lawyers - well some - are splendid people, so it is perhaps unfair to suggest that scientists have decided to experiment on lawyers instead of rats because there are some things even a rat won't do. A South Korean, a North Korean and a Japanese are sitting in a restaurant. The waiter comes up and says: "Excuse me, but I'm afraid we have no more meat." Perplexed, the North Korean asks: "What's meat?" Even more puzzled, the Japanese asks: "What's 'no more'?" Most puzzled of all, the South Korean asks: "What's 'excuse me'?" Hvad kaldes 15 blondiner, der står øre til øre???? Selvfølgelig: En vindtunnel You don't want to hear this during surgery: - Better save that. We'll need it for autopsy. - Bo! Bo!!! Come back with that.... Bad dog! - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! - Could you stop that from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!" - What's this doing there? - Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. - Anyone see where I left the scalpel? - Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough. - What do you mean "You want a divorce"! Ode to a Spell Checker I have a spelling checker I disk covered four my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot see. Eye ran this poem threw it. Your sure real glad two no. Its very polished in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a blessing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays comes posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule. Thecker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore wee rote with checkers Hour spelling was inn deck line, Butt now when wee dew have a laps, Wee are not maid too wine. And now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, There are know faults in awl this peace, Of nun eye am a wear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. That's why eye brake in two averse Caws Eye dew want too please. Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye This soft wear four pea seas. (Author Unknown) Spådommen Der var engang en lille pige, som plejede at sige en aftenbøn. Denne sluttede hun med; "Godnat mor, godnat far, godnat bedstefar, godnat bedstemor". En aften da hendes far sagde godnat til hende, sluttede hun med; "Godnat mor, godnat far, godnat bedstefar, farvel bedstemor". Faderen syntes at det var mærkeligt, men sagde ikke noget. Næste morgen ringede telefonen og en stemme sagde, at bedstemor var død. Et par aftener senere sagde pigen bønnen og sluttede med; "Godnat mor, godnat far, farvel bedstefar". Faderen hørte hende, men sagde igen ikke noget. Den næste dag ringede telefonen, og en doktor fra det lokale hospital sagde at bedstefar lige var død. Faderen syntes at det var mærkeligt, men at det måtte være et tilfælde. Et par dage senere sagde pigen aftenbønnen og sluttede; "Godnat mor, FARVEL far". Nu blev faderen virkelig bekymret. Den næste morgen vågnede han og spiste ingenting, drak kun vand og tog på arbejde. Han tog ikke bilen, men gik i stedet. Han kiggede hele tiden op, for at sikre sig, at han ikke fik noget i hovedet. Så snart han så kontoret, løb han resten af vejen, ind på kontoret og lukkede døren. Han modtog ikke besøg, spiste ikke i kantinen eller drak kaffe. Til sidst kunne han ikke klare mere, tog jakken på og løb hele vejen hjem; hele tiden kiggende op i luften. Endelig nåede han hjem og sagde til konen; "Hvilken dag jeg har haft, hvis du bare vidste". "Har du haft en dårlig dag" sagde konen. Hvad så med mig. Da jeg åbnede døren i morges, fandt jeg postbudet liggende død ved siden af postkassen. Herunder følger en del spørgsmål som du kan gruble lidt over: Hvorfor er der redningsveste under flystolene, når det havde været bedre med faldskærme ? Hvordan kommer fyren der kører sneploven til arbejdet om morgenen ? Har du nogensinde forestillet dig en verden uden hypotetiske situationer? Er sterilitet arveligt ? Hvis der ikke er noget der klæber på teflon, hvordan får de så teflon til at sidde fast på panderne ? Hvis du kører med lysets hastighed, hvad sker der så når du tænder forlygterne ? Hvorfor laver de ikke fly af samme materiale som den sorte boks, den holder jo altid ? Hvorfor skruer man ned for lyden, når man sidder i bilen og ikke kan finde vej ? Hvis du binder et stykke smørrebrød fast på ryggen af en kat, og slipper den fra høj højde, hvad sker der så ? Hvorfor staves palindrom ikke ens forfra og bagfra ? Hvorfor er det så svært at huske hvordan "MNEMONIC" staves ? Hvis man forsøger at bevise Murphy's lov, vil tingene så stadig gå galt? Hvorfor er ordet "forkortelse" så langt ? Hvorfor har kamikaze-piloter hjelm på ? Findes der et andet ord for synonym ? Hvorfor stopper fodgængere altid i døråbninger, for enden af rulletrapper og på de smalleste steder på fortovet, hvor de er mest i vejen ? Hvordan smider man en skraldespand væk ? Hvis majsolie kommer fra majs, hvor kommer babyolie så fra ? Hvorfor steriliserer de nålen, inden en dødsdømt får sin sprøjte ? Hvordan ved man at det er på tide at stemme sin sækkepibe ? Hvis du kvæler en Smølf, hvad farve får han så i ansigtet ? Hvad gør man hvis man ser et udrydningstruet dyr, som spiser en udrydningstruet plante ? Hvorfor skriver man dødsattester på genbrugspapir ? Tager en mand stadig fejl, hvis han står i en skov og der ikke er en kvinde i nærheden ? Hvis en døvstum bander, vasker mor så hans hænder med sæbe ? Hvis en person med personlighedsspaltning, truer med at tage livet af sig, er det så en gidselsituation ? Hvad ville der stå på skiltemalernes skilte, hvis de strejkede ? Hvorfor krymper får ikke når det regner ? Hvis 7-11 har åbent døgnet rundt, 365 dage om året, hvorfor er der så lås på dørene ? > >Regler for soveværelses golf > >1. Spilleren skal anvende eget udstyr, normalt en kølle og to kugler. > >2. Spil på banen skal godkendes af hullets ejer. > >3. I modsætning til udendørs golf, skal man her > forsøge at få køllen i hul og holde kuglerne udenfor. > >4. Banens ejer har eventuelt ret til at begrænse > køllens længde, såfremt dette kan forhindre skader i hullet > >5. Spillets formål er at støde så mange gange som > muligt, og indtil banens ejer er tilfreds. > Herefter dømmes spillet som fuldbyrdet. > Lykkes det ikke, kan spilleren nægtes videre adgang til banen. > >6. Det betragtes som dårlig opførsel, hvis man > straks begynder på hul-spillet. > Kultiverede spillere giver sig først tid til at beundre banen,og > specielt være opmærksom på de forskellige kurver. > >7. Under spillet må spilleren ikke nævne navne på > andre baner, der regelmæssigt bliver spillet på, > overfor ejeren af den aktuelle bane. > Flere baneejere har i den anledning inddraget videre > adgang til afbenyttelse af banen, og i ekstreme tilfælde > beskadiget spillerens udstyr. > >8. For en sikkerheds skyld anbefales det spilleren > at medbringe ordentligt godkendt regntøj > >9. Spilleren bør sikre sig, at matchen er bestilt > ordentligt, specielt ved førstegangsspil. > Tidligere spillere er blevet tossede, når de har opdaget, at > andre benytter den bane, de betragter som deres hjemmebane > >10. Spilleren må ikke tage det for givet, at banen > altid er tilgængelig. > Visse spillere føler sig snydt, når de opdager, at > banen er under reparation for øjeblikket. > I sådanne situationer må spilleren være yderst taktfuld. > Den rutinerede spiller finder alternative spillemåder, når > dette sker. > >11. Der startes normalt på det forreste hul. Ønskes > start eller senere spil på bageste hul, skal der forinden > hentes tilladelse hos banens ejer. > >12. Spilleren opfordres til langsomt spil, men må > være forberedt på forceret tempo, såfremt baneejeren ønsker dette > >13. Det betragtes som en stor præstation, hvis man > kan spille på samme hul flere gange under samme match. > > >Regler for soveværelses golf > >1. Spilleren skal anvende eget udstyr, normalt en kølle og to kugler. > >2. Spil på banen skal godkendes af hullets ejer. > >3. I modsætning til udendørs golf, skal man her > forsøge at få køllen i hul og holde kuglerne udenfor. > >4. Banens ejer har eventuelt ret til at begrænse > køllens længde, såfremt dette kan forhindre skader i hullet > >5. Spillets formål er at støde så mange gange som > muligt, og indtil banens ejer er tilfreds. > Herefter dømmes spillet som fuldbyrdet. > Lykkes det ikke, kan spilleren nægtes videre adgang til banen. > >6. Det betragtes som dårlig opførsel, hvis man > straks begynder på hul-spillet. > Kultiverede spillere giver sig først tid til at beundre banen,og > specielt være opmærksom på de forskellige kurver. > >7. Under spillet må spilleren ikke nævne navne på > andre baner, der regelmæssigt bliver spillet på, > overfor ejeren af den aktuelle bane. > Flere baneejere har i den anledning inddraget videre > adgang til afbenyttelse af banen, og i ekstreme tilfælde > beskadiget spillerens udstyr. > >8. For en sikkerheds skyld anbefales det spilleren > at medbringe ordentligt godkendt regntøj > >9. Spilleren bør sikre sig, at matchen er bestilt > ordentligt, specielt ved førstegangsspil. > Tidligere spillere er blevet tossede, når de har opdaget, at > andre benytter den bane, de betragter som deres hjemmebane > >10. Spilleren må ikke tage det for givet, at banen > altid er tilgængelig. > Visse spillere føler sig snydt, når de opdager, at > banen er under reparation for øjeblikket. > I sådanne situationer må spilleren være yderst taktfuld. > Den rutinerede spiller finder alternative spillemåder, når > dette sker. > >11. Der startes normalt på det forreste hul. Ønskes > start eller senere spil på bageste hul, skal der forinden > hentes tilladelse hos banens ejer. > >12. Spilleren opfordres til langsomt spil, men må > være forberedt på forceret tempo, såfremt baneejeren ønsker dette > >13. Det betragtes som en stor præstation, hvis man > kan spille på samme hul flere gange under samme match. > Ned med kapitalismen! Død over magthaverne!. Ud med industrialiseringen! Flere hundelorte på gaderne! Øl er en menneskeret! Nutella på cykelstierne! Kan jeg ikke få nok i løn må DU heller ikke arbejde!!!! Slås for fred! Nu skal der spares... koste hvad det vil!! Dem der uenige de kan bare skrubbe ads helvedes tils, ikk? Three men came across a female genie who promised to grant each one a wish. The first man said, "I wish I were twenty-five percent smarter." The genie blinked, and the man said, "Hey, I feel smarter already." The second man said, "I wish I were fifty percent smarter." The genie blinked, and the man exclaimed, "That's wonderful! I think I know things now that I didn't know before." The third man said, "I'd like to be one hundred percent smarter." So the genie blinked, and the man changed into a woman. A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his wife gets two of. "How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "You now have $3,000,000 in your joint account" said the genie. "I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?" "In addition to a new three car garage, you have three Mercedes Benz. For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?" Redneck Bill var blevet gift med Sue, som jo nok også var en redneck og ganske godt skruet sammen af en sådan at være. Da Sue og Bill får smidt kludene og skal fuldbyrde deres ægteskab, bliver Sue stiv som en pind (og det var jo egentligt Bill, som skulle tage den rolle), og fortæller Bill at hun er jomfru. "Nå," siger Bill "jamen jeg tror altså slet ikke på det der med stjernetegn og så'n". "Nej, nej" siger Sue; "Jeg mener, at det er første gang jeg er i seng med en mand". "GANSKE OG ALDELES ÆGTE JOMFRU" råber Bill - nu fuldstændigt ude af sig selv. "Ja, søde Bill" siger Sue. "DU HAR TAGET RØVEN PÅ MIG KÆLLING", siger Bill (næh undskyld, han råber stadig). Bill tager sit tøj (på, formoder jeg), spæner ud af døren og tager næste tog hjem til sin familie, som jo i sagens natur også er en samling rednecks. Da Bill vækker sin far klokken 4:07 om morgenen (Han kom ind med firetoget forstås), spørger faren hvad dælen han laver hjemme på sin bryllupsnat. Bill forklarer den rette sammenhæng, hvorpå den gamle med al sin snusfornuft svarer; "Helt rigtigt gjort sønnikke. Er hun ikke god nok til sin egen familie, så er hun heller ikke god nok til vores!". >> Take some time to ponder this: >> >> Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with >> $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it >> deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the >> day. >> >> What would you do? >> Draw out every cent, of course!!!! >> >> Each of us has such a bank. >> >> It's name is TIME. >> >> Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. >> Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed >> to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows >> no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. >> Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use >> the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. >> There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live >> in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from >> it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is >> running. Make the most of today. >> >> To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. >> >> To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a >> pre-mature baby. >> >> To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly >> newspaper. >> >> To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to >> meet. >> >> To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the >> train. >> >> To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an >> accident. >> >> To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who >> won a silver medal in the Olympics. >> >> Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because >> you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. >> >> And remember that time waits for no one. >> >> Yesterday is history >> Tomorrow is mystery >> Today is a gift >> That's why it's called the present!! >> An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking ass." Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape but, that she was pregnant! When she told the doctor there was no way, he insisted that she was most definitely a month pregnant. She immediately stormed out of the office, to the eceptionist's desk and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. When Bill answered in the oval office Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten SOB? You got me pregnant!!!" The President remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN SOB? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!" Finally Bill answered : "Who is this???" 8.Hvad er forskellen på en brødrister og et kollektiv? På en brødrister vender man bollerne - på kollektivet boller man vennerne. 9.Hvad er ligheden mellem at ornanere og spille lotto? Pludselig står man med ti millioner i hånden!!! 10.Hvad er ligheden mellem en bøsse og en tandstik? De flytter begge to madrester! 11.Hvad er ligheden mellem en jomfru og en telefax? Når man hører en hyletone, ved man at man er kommet i gennem. 12.Hvad er ligheden mellem en jomfru og en telefonsvarer? De hyler begge når man er igennem! 13.Hvad er ligheden mellem en julefrokost og en eksamen? Man er sikker på at få sex, men man ved ikke hvad man kommer op i. 14.Hvad er ligheden mellem et jagtgevær og en blondine? De skal begge knækkes på midten og lades bagfra. 15.Hvad er ulempen ved at være pædofil? Man skal så fandens tidligt i seng! 16.Hvad forskel er der på en fryser og en kvinde ? En fryser prutter ikke når du tager kødet ud! 17.Hvad gør du hvis din kone begynder at ryge ? Sætter farten ned og bruger glidecreme. 18.Hvad gør rigtige mænd når de har slikket glatbarberet fisse? De lægger bleen på igen. 19.Hvad har en kvinde og et par vinduesviskere til fælles? De skriger begge to når de er tørre! 21.Hvad sagde Bill Gates's kone til ham på deres bryllupsnat? Nu ved jeg hvorfor du kaldte dit firma Microsoft. 26.Hvorfor er lebber altid så blege? De får ikke nok jern 27.Hvorfor er mænd vilde med piger i læder? De lugter af ny bil. 28.Hvorfor har julemanden så store nosser? Han kommer kun én gang om året! 29.Hvorfor har sædceller haler???? For at man kan fe dem ud af sine tænder. 35.Lille Ida var en tur i skoven.Så kom der en røver og sagde:"træk dine trusser af." Men lille Ida grinede bare for hun vidste godt at han ikke kunne passe dem 37.Lilleper er lige kommet hjem fra skole, og spørger sin storesøster: - Storesøster vil du ikke tage dine bukser af? - Nej, siger storesøsteren. - Jamen bare et lille øjeblik, siger Lilleper så. Til sidst tager storesøsteren bukserne af, og Lilleper siger: - Øøv! De store drenge henne i skolen sagde ellers, at du havde fået tissemand! 48.To veninder sidder og diskuterer deres sexliv, hvorpå den ene klager sig over mandens (Flemmings) impotens. "Hvordan klarer du dog det" spørger den anden. "Jeg bliver nødt til at bruge en agurk". "Bruger du en ny agurk hver gang?" - "Ja faktisk !". "Hvad i alverden gør du så med alle de brugte agurker?" "Jeg bruger dem til Flemmings madpakke....han skal jo have fisse på én eller anden måde !!!" 50.Tre sædceller snakker sammen: Den 1. siger: Jeg vil lave en dreng! Den 2. siger: Jeg vil lave en pige! Den 3. siger: Slap af, vi er kun i spiserøret! 1.Hvorfor får døve aldrig sex? De har aldrig hørt om det 2.Hvorfor er jomfru maria stadig jomfru? Fordi de tre vise mænd gik efter stjernen! 3.Hvad er ligheden mellem en svensker og en pædofil...? De kan begge to godt lide en lille en før de går i seng. 7.Læreren: Der sidder 4 fugle på en gren i et træ. Så kommer der en jæger og skyder den ene. Hvor mange er der så tilbage? Peter: Ingen, for de andre flyver væk. Læreren: Nu har vi altså matematik, her er det rigtige svar altså, at der er tre fugle tilbage. Men jeg kan lide den måde du tænker på! Peter: Ok. Må jeg også stille dig et spørgsmål? Læreren: Ja? Peter: Tre damer gør ind i en iskiosk og køber en is hver. Den første slikker på sin is, den anden sutter på isen, og den tredje bider af sin. Hvilken af de tre damer er gift? Læreren: Hmmm ... Det er hende der sutter på isen? Peter: Det rigtige svar er hende med vielsesringen. Men jeg kan lide den måde du tænker på! 10.Hvad er ligheden mellem sex og fisk: Man lægger benene til side og nyder resten. 11.Lille Lise går tur på stranden, hvor der ligger en mand med jern på. Lise går hen og spørg hvad det er og manden siger det er min fugl og lille lise spørg om hun må nusse den og manden siger selvfølgelig ja. Ligepludselig vågner manden og ser at han ligger på en lang gang hvor lille Lise kommer forbi og manden spørg:"lille Lise hvor er jeg og hvad laver jeg her. Lille Lise siger at han er på sygehuset og siger at grunden er at din fugl vågnede og begyndte at spytte mig i hovedet hvorefter jeg knækkede halsen på den, knuste ægene og brændte reden af. 13.To saedceller instrueres af deres mor: 'Når I snart i jeres liv skal stifte familie, gør I følgende: Svøm som bare fanden, så jeres kammerater sakker agterud, svøm omkring, til I støder panden mod aegget, gennembryd cellevaeggen og nyd, at jeres formål her i livet er opfyldt.' Kort tid efter var tiden inde; alt rystede og hoppede omkring de to små fyre, og pludselig blev de skyllet afsted sammen med alle deres kammerater. Da farten er taget lidt af, begynder de to fyre at svømme det bedste, de har laert. Det er mørkt, og konstant støder de hovederne mod noget hårdt, men det er ikke aegget. Faret vild, forvirrede og halvt modløse svømmer de rundt på må og få, indtil de møder to andre fyre. 'Hej', råber de glade, 'vi er to små saedceller, der hedder Per og Bjarne, - vi leder efter aegget, - kender I vejen?', 'Naeaeaeh', svarer de andre, 'vi hedder Karius og Baktus, og vi arbejder her bare.....' 14.Hvad vil det sige at dyrke økologisk sex? At slikke den af på en der har svamp! 15.Fire nonner står foran Skt. Peters perleport og vil gerne ind. Skt. Peter tilspørger Nonne 1 om hun har nogen synder at bekende. "Mjøøhh", siger hun, "Jeg har faktisk engang berørt det mandlige lem med min højre hånd". Uh-ha-da-da, siger Skt. Peter, men det går nu nok. Smut du over og vask din hånd i det hellige vievand, og så ind med dig. Nonne 2 siger: "Jeg må bekende, at jeg vistnok engang er kommet til at berøre et mandligt lem med begge hænder". Skt. Peter siger: lad nåde gå for ret, og smut over og vask dine hænder i det hellige vand, hvorefter også du får adgang til paradiset. Da Skt. Peter vender sig mod de to sidste, ser han, at de slås helt vildt. Skt. Peter adskiller de to hellige kvinder og ser spørgende på dem, hvorefter Nonne 4 svarer "Jeg vil altså have lov til at gurgle, før hende der skal skylle røv i vandet!" 18.Det var den 15 årige bror der lå i sengen med sin 14 årige søster og bollede.....da søsteren siger ahhh hvor er du god...du er bedre end far Ja svare broderen det siger mor også. 19.Lærerindenspørger lille Peter: Hvad er 2+2? Peter som tæller på fingrene, svarer: 2+2 er... øh... 4! Hvad er 3+3? Peter tæller igen på fingrene: 3+3 er... øh... 6! Lærerinden siger, at Peter ikke må tælle på fingre, og at han skal putte hænderne i lommerne. Så spørger hun: Hvad er 5+5? 5+5 er... er... 11! 24.Lille lise kommer løbense ind til sin mor og spørger: "Mor kan små piger få børn?" Lille Lises mor svarer:"Nej selvfølgelig kan de ikke det" lille Lise løber ud og siger : " OK drenge så kan vi godt lege videre" 27.Den handelsrejsende havde været væk hjemmefra i 14 dage, da han kom til en storby. han sprang ind på det lokale bordel, og skreg til bordelmutter: Kom med den dummeste, grimmeste og dårligste luder du har! Bordelmutter så lidt nedladende på ham og sagde: Der er nok lavvande i kassen makker, hvortil han svarede: Gu' er der ej, jeg har hjemve!! 29.Hvordan for man en kvinde til at skrige to gange?? Først boller man hende i røven og bag efter tørre man den af i hendes gardin! 34.En hvid og en sort møder hinanden i et damp bad i Kenya. Den sorte sidder og kigger lidt, så spøger han: Hvorfor står der "WY" på din pik? Den hvide: "Jo, nogle gange så bliver den jo længere, også står der "WENDY", det hedder min kæreste. Så sidder de lidt og kikker, også siger den hvide "men der står jo også "WY" på din pik. Den sorte: Ja, nogle gange så bliver den jo længere, også står der "WELCOME TO KENYA AND HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY" 35.2 små drenge og en lille pige leger sammen. Dreng 1: "Min tissemand den står.." Dreng 2: "Min tissemand den står også" Pigen : "Min tissekone den står også" Drengene: "Det kan den da ikke" Pigen: "Jo, på klem" 36.2 veninder sidder og snakker sammen og den ene spørger: "Ryger du efter at du har haft sex"? hvorefter den anden svarer: Det ved jeg ikke, jeg har aldrig set efter". 38.Den ene patient til den anden: "Ta'r du nogen sinde din kone i det 'forkerte' hul?" "Nej da, hun skulle jo nødig blive gravid!" 39.Den unge mand lå med sved på panden efter at være blevet færdig med nattens erobring: Undskyld, sagde han, hvis jeg havde vist at du var jomfru, havde jeg brugt længere tid. Hvorefter hun svarer: Hvis jeg viste at du havde god tid, havde jeg taget strømpebukserne af først. 40.Det var 3 drenge der sad og snakkede om hvad de ville være når de blev voksne. Den første sagde "jeg vil være revisor, for så får jeg råd til at købe den Mercedes der holdt lige derovre". Den anden sagde "Jeg vil være advokat, for så får jeg råd til at købe den Posche der holdt der ved siden af Mercedesen" Den tredje sagde "Jeg vil sutte PIK" De to andre "Vil du sutte PIK" "Ja", svarede han "Det gør min søster og der er hendes biler" 41.Direktøren var bekymret over firmaets faldende indtægter, og tænkte at han nok hellere måtte være forudseende, og skærer ned på sine private udgifter. Han henvender sig derfor til konen: - Skat, hvis du nu lærte at vaske og gøre rent, så kunne vi jo spare hushjælpen! Konen: - Ja, og hvis du lærte at kneppe mig rigtigt, kunne vi spare gartneren..! har ondt i røven, og vores hund tør ikke komme hjem..! 44.En dag havde læreren seksualundervisning med sin 5.klasse. Et stykke ind i timen spurgte han ud over klassen: "Hvad får man, hvis man får en tømrers tissemand ind i munden?" - tavshed. "Så får man tømrer" forklarede læreren. "Hvad får man så hvis man får en murers tissemand i munden?" spurgte læreren - igen tavshed. "Så får man murer". Igen spurgte læreren: "Hvad får man så hvis man får en folkeskolelærers tissemand i munden?" Lille Søren havde taget mod til sig: "Så får man folkeskolelærer." "Ja - og gode karakterer" 1 Familien var ude at køre en tur i skoven. Pludselig så faderen en hare i vejkanten. Han gav gas, kørte den ned og lavede hjulspind i den. Hele familien grinede over dette. Pludselig standsede han vognen - Der må være noget galt med det hjul, der sidder ovre i den side, sagde han til moderen, der sad ved siden af ham.- Lige idet hun kiggede ud af døren. skubbede han hende ud. Han gav gas, og lavede hjulspind i hende. Så begyndte lille Peter at græde. - Hvad er der? spurgte de andre. - Jeg så det ikke !!! 2 Og så var der den med manden, som sad og ventede på fødestuen, da hans kone var ved at føde. Lidt efter kom sygeplejsken ud med barnet og sagde: Se, det er en lille pige. Manden var meget glad og sad og kælede for sin lille nye datter. Pludselig tog sygeplejesken pigen, kylede hende ind i væggen, klaskede hende ned i fliserne og trampede på hende. Det kunne manden ikke klare at se på, så han besvimede. Lidt efter vækkede sygeplejesken ham og sagde: -Åh, kan du ikke tage en spøg? - Det var dødfødt!!!!! 3 To cowboys, Bill og Tom, står foran salonen og småsnakker. Bill får øje på en gruppe mænd på den anden side af gaden og siger: - Kan du se ham, der står derovre? - Hvem af dem ? Der er jo fire! - Ham med hatten. - Jamen, de har jo allesammen hat på! Nåh, ja, ham med støvlerne. - De har da også allesammen støvler på! - Okay, men ham jeg snakker om er hjulbenet ! - Det er de da allesammen! Så trækker Bill sin revolver og skyder koldblodigt de tre af mændene ned. - Det er ham, der står op! Ham kan jeg ikke lide.!!! 4 En sommer var der mesterskaber i surfing ude på Kattegat. En af surferne forsvandt i bølgerne og folk kom ud og fik ham reddet ind igen. Da de skulle give ham kunstigt åndedræt var der en der sagde: - Han lugter af helvede til! Så var der en anden, der sagde: - Det er også en forkert, I har fået fat i. Ham her har skøjter på !!!! 5 Jens ligger på dødslejet. - Og forsager du djævelen og alle hans gerninger? spørger præsten. - Næh, siger Jens. Man skal vel ikke til at skabe sig uvenner lige nu....... 6 Olsen havde en mistanke om, at hans kone var ham utro. Så en dag ringede han hjem fra sit arbejde og spurgte sønnen, om hans mor var hjemme. - Ja, det er hun. - Hvor? - I soveværelset. - er hun alene? - Nej der ligger også en mand derinde. - Godt min dreng. Tag nu jagtgeværet og gå ind og skyd dem. Ja, det skulle drengen nok. Efter skuddene gik han tilbage til telefonen og sagde: - Nu har jeg gjort det. - Det var godt Søren. - Jeg hedder da ikke Søren, jeg hedder Kim. - Nå, det må du undskylde. Så har jeg fået forkert nummer. 7 -Far, far, råbte lille Per. - Ja, hvad er der nu? - Mor har hængt sig oppe på loftet! Faren kommer styrtende op på loftet, hvor lille Per står og venter. -Aprilsnar, udbryder han med et smil. - Hun hænger nede i kælderen. 8 Per er en fremmelig knægt. Står lænet op ad husmuren. Med en rygende cigaret i munden og en guldbajer i hånden. - Hør min lille ven, hvorfor er du ikke i skole i dag, spørger en gammel kone. - Hvad pokker dame, jeg kan da ikke komme i skole, før jeg er fyldt syv....................... 9 Tror du på det der med djævelen? - Nej, egentlig ikke. Det er garanteret lige som med julemanden, det er sikkert bare ens far! 10 En dame kommer ind på en restaurant, hvor hun ser en mand sidde med den lækreste skål gule ærter foran sig. Eftersom manden sidder, og læser avis, beslutter hun sig for at spise maden for ham. Så hun sætter sig overfor ham, hiver skålen til sig, og guffer den i sig. Da hun når bunden opdager hun, at der ligger en redekam i skålen. Hun bliver forfærdet, at hun straks brækker det hele op i skålen. Da sænker manden overfor avisen, og spørger tørt: "Nå, har du også fundet den?" 11 Hvordan kan en blind faldskærmsudspringer vide, hovrnår han er ved at nå jorden ???? Når linen til førehunden bliver slap!!!! 12 Hvorfor køber blinde mennesker altid franskbrød med birkes??? Fordi der står sådan nogle gode historier på ....... 13 Hvorfor har Stevie Wonder gule ben???? Hans førerhund er også blind. 14 Hvorfor vikler man gaffa-tape rundt om en hamster???? Så sprænger den ikke når man røvpuler den. 15 Hvorfor vikler man IKKE gaffa-tape rundet om en hot dog??? Fordi der allerede er plads til pølsen. 16 Hvorfor vikler man gaffa-tape rundt om en albatros???? For at se den lide 17 En munk går tur gennem en skov. Pludselig ser han en ung pige, der er bundet til et træ. -Hvad laver du her? spørger munken. - Nogle røvere har overfaldet og voldtaget mig, græder den unge pige. -Har du råbt om hjælp? - Ja, mange gange. - Og ingen har hørt det? - Nej. -Ja, min engel, siger munken grinende og trækker bukserne ned, - det er sandelig ikke din dag idag. 18 Hvem var den ondeste mand i verden ???? Det var manden, der voldtog den døvstumme pige og derefter huggede hendes fingre af så hun ikke kunne råbe efter hjælp. 19 Den 18-årige søn har noget at meddele sin far. "Far, jeg vil giftes med naboens søn, Jørgen". "Er du rigtig klog knægt, han er kommunist"!!!! 20 Hej mor, kan du se noget forandret ved mig? Du har fået ny trøje? Nej se nu ordenlig efter! Øhm, du har fået nye briller? Nej, tag dig nu sammen! Du er blevet klippet! Mor, kan du slet ikke se, at jeg har gasmaske på? 21 Moderen, som eferhånden var lidt træt af, at faderen ikke hjalp til med pasningen af babyen, tog sig en dag sammen og bad ham om at bade babyen. "Helt i orden", lød svaret. Efter et stykke tid ville hun lige se efter, hvordan det gik. Da hun gik ind i badeværelset, fik hun et chok, da hun så faderen hive babyen i armene og benene frem og tilbage gennem vandet. "Nej, nej, nej", råbte hun. "Du skal tage blidt på babyen, og langsomt sænke ham ned i vandet!". "Er du rigtig klog", lød svaret. Tror du, jeg skal have skoldet mine hænder?"...... 22 Hvad er forskellen mellem en nekrofil og en alkoholiker??? De vil begge to gerne have en kold fra kassen!!! 23 Hvordan kan man se om ens kæreste er død??? Hun boller som hun plejer, men opvasken bliver større og større. 24 Jeg kender en pige som slet ikke ryger, hun drikker ikke, hun bander ikke, hun går tidligt i seng og hun tænker ikke på sex dagen lang. -Hey, det er fedt! - Ja, hun fylder 5 i morgen!!!! 25 To kontrollører står og snakker sammen under en fodboldkamp: "Jeg kom til at køre en dejlig dame ned sidste weekend". "Nej, hvad skete der"? "Efter uheldet farede jeg ud af bilen, hvor jeg kunne konstatere, at hun var død.Men hun var nu lækker, så jeg tog hende på kryds og tværs". "Tog du hende på kryds og tværs, - også i munden"? "Nej, ikke i munden. Jeg kunne ikke finde hovedet....." 26 Det ringede på døren ved bordellet, og bordelmutter lukker døren op. Udenfor er der en mand uden arme og ben. Bordelmutter: Du kan da vist ikke noget! Manden: Jeg ringede da på, gjorde jeg ikke!!!! 27 9 månder efter bryllupet fik Jensens en baby. Desværre blev det født uden arme og ben - endda uden krop. Det var kun et hoved. Alligevel var Jensens glade for deres eneste barn. Endelig efter 20 års ægteskab tog de en velfortjent ferie og mødte en doktor på færgen, som påstod, at han kunne sætte arme og ben på deres søn. Jensens vendte øjeblikkelig hjem og skyndte sig ind i værelset, hvor hovedet lå i sin seng og sagde jublende: - Skat, mor og far har den mest vidunderlige overraskelse til dig! -Åh nej, ikke en hat igen!!!!! 28 2 pædofile sidder på en bænk i parken. Lille Anne-Marie på 11 år kommer cyklende forbi. De ser på hinanden, og den ene siger: "det er nu synd. Hun var et godt skår engang". 29 Lille Per er lige kommet hjem fra skole, og spørger sin storesøster: - Storsøster vil du ikke tage dine bukser af? - Nej siger storesøsteren. - Jamen bare et lille øjeblik siger lille Per så. Til sidst tager storesøsteren bukserne af, og lille Per siger: --Øøv! De store drenge henne i skolen sagde ellers, at du havde fået tissemand!!!!! 30 Familen Hansen er på skovtur: - Far, jeg er så træt af at slæbe på lillesøster. Kan jeg ikke bære snapsflaskerne lidt? - ER du gal knægt, du kunne jo tabe dem!!!! 31 Lille Gert havde været blind siden hans fødsel. En dag da han skulle i seng kom hans mor ind i værelset og sagde:- Hvis du beder ekstra hårdt i aften, så vil du kunne se imorgen, Lille Gert blev så henrykt og begyndte straks med at bede. Næste morgen da moderen kom ind i Gert`s værelse for at vække ham, hørte hun Gert græde voldsomt. - Mor,du sagde jeg kunne se idag! - Jeg ved det, skat APRILSNAR!!!!!! 32 Hvorfor smiler Tordenskjold altid på tænstikæskerne???? Han kan få den rykket af 60 gange for 1,50!!!! 33 Hvad er ligheden mellem, at gå til en luder og gå til eksamen ???? Du kan få "6" begge steder uden at vide, hvad du kommer op i!!!!! 34 Hansen har lige fået et barn med sin kone. Da han nogle dage senere kommer ind på sit lokale værtshus, sidder alle hans kammerater ved baren og begynder at skrige: Drenge bajer, drenge bajer..... Desværre, sagde Hansen. Det blev ikke en dreng. -Pige bajer, pige bajer...... - Det blev desværre heller ikke en pige - det var dødfødt! -Kvaje bajer, Kvaje bajer !!! 35 Hvorfor var jomfru Maria jomfru????? Fordi de tre visemænd gik efter stjernen!!!!! 36 Hvad har en kvinde og et par vinduesviskere til fælles????? De skriger begge to når de er tørre!!!!!! 37 Tre sædceller snakker sammen: Den 1. siger: - Jeg vil lave en dreng! Den 2. siger: - Jeg vil lave en pige! Den 3. siger - Slap af, vi er kun i spiserøret!!!! 38 Hvad er det, der er af hunkøn, har 100 ben og er uden kønsbehåring????? 1. række til en Thomas Helvig koncert!!!!! THE END