On the Road Again
Microsoft marketing strategy
Bill Gates' idea of a car
If Microsoft built cars
Microsoft TV Dinner Instructions
Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East
Is Windows95 a Virus ?
English Translation
More?
Tiresome reading?
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner
Then enter:
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is
Dinners are only available from registered outlets,
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other
No Windows95 is not virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do :
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows95 does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down system as
3. Viruses will, from time to time trash your harddisk -- okay,
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
Until now it seems Windows95 is a virus but there are fundamental
So, Windows95 is not a virus.
WOMEN's ENGLISH:
Yes = No
MEN's ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
More jokes - A pure text dump of things I've recieved on the mail
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He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General
Motors. The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the
past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and
it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an
economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of
gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?
would have to buy a new car.
no reason, and you would just have to accept this,
restart and drive on.
your car to stop, fail and you would have to reinstall the
engine. For some strange reason, you would accept
this too.
unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But, then you
would have to buy more seats.
size butt.
the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive -but would only run on 5 percent of the
roads.
Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make
their cars run much slower.
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
going off.
would have no idea what happend
so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights
to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a
bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may,
however, let others smell and look at your dinner
and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
start. The oven will set itself and cook the
dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter
the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package
label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired
level of cooking and press start. The oven will
calculate the time and heat and cook the diner
exactly to your specification.
which case your oven must be restarted. This is a
simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If
this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having
many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the
tray is too large to fit in your oven you will
need to upgrade your equipment.
and only the chicken variety is currently produced.
If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help
and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you
really need.
smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future
releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but
must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
after '98. However, that version has yet to be
released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
advance.
dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to
self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of
your car.
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
If you will do me the kindness of not harming by appendages I
will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must
have the recipe.
they do so -- okay, Windows95 does that.
Windows95 does that.
valuable programs and systems. Sigh.... Windows95 does that, too.
slow (see 2) and then the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's
with Windows95, too
differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems,
their program code is fast, compact and afficient and they tend to become
more sophisticated as they mature.
QED
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now..
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ..and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it THERE!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?! = [Too late - You're dead!]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep?!
I'M NOT YELLING! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal about this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question..?!
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you to = Okay, I said it.. we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(While shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I really don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
More jokes - An obsecene amount of jokes I recieved in ONE mail (2Mb)